written by David Kuijt

"Jimmy! Can ya hear me? Dis connection is terrible! No, no, still in Mega-Tokyo. Da tour ain't over until tonight. Yeah, sure. But I can't wait to get back, I tell ya! No, nuttin' like dat. But dis place is crazy! Ya wouldn't believe what happened!

I was asleep. No, in my hotel room. What? No, stupid, alone. So, I was asleep, right? Den dere is a shaking, right? Like an explosion? Da whole building shook. I jump out of bed. No, no, not at all. Yeah. So, like I said, I jump out of bed and open da door, and dere are a bunch of udder people, too, all running around jabbering. No, no, Japanese, ya idiot. No, of course I couldn't understand what dey were saying, I don't SPEAK Japanese.

So anyway, dey all start down da stairs, right? But da stairs are full of people, all crowded, and I had enough of dat in da subway, huh? Ha ha ha. Anyway, like, I tink to myself--I'm only on da second floor. I can climb out of my window. Dat's me, always tinking in a crisis. Shaddap. Anyway, so I runs to my window, right? Yeah, in my hotel room, whaddya tink, in da penthouse? So I runs to my window and opens it. But I tinks again about jumping out, lemme tell ya! Dere's some sort of gang rumble going on below me, in da parking lot! Only wierd, right? No, wierd! No, not like dat, just wierd. Well lemme tell ya, den, and you won't have to be so stupid!

So anyway, dere's dis kid out in da parking lot. Just some jap punk, like. And dis guy... No, not a jap, just a guy... yeah, just a guy. Who's telling dis story anyway? Shaddap. So dere's dis guy running out dere and he picks up a car. Yeah, a car! Wid his hands, he picks up a car! Yeah, over his head. Yeah, some sort of borg. Anyway, he picks up dis car and he pitches it at da kid! And waddya tink, dis kid is a pancake? No way! Da car, it BOUNCES! It doesn't even touch da kid, or knock him down, or nuttin! Den da kid, he flips da guy da boid, and da car flies BACK AT DA GUY! Canya believe it? Yeah! No! Yeah! Unbelievable! And da guy, he trows up his arms, like to block da wind, and da car, it bends around his arms like dey was a steel bar!! Da car, it hits him, and he doesn't break, oh, no, da CAR breaks! Yeah! Da stinking car! No, a little jap car, what does it matter what kinda car, stupid! No, yeah, jap cars are smaller, but da car BENT! OK, so YOU try to bend a flimsy jap car, den! Shaddap, already. So dat ain't all, either. Next ting I know dere are more dere. Two more jap kids, and da guy in da parking lot is firing a gun at da first one. Yeah, da one dat pitched da car back. No, not a jap gun, a BIG gun. A fuggin cannon! Ya coulda driven a jap car down da muzzle of dis gun! And da bullets, dey BOUNCE! Ya hadda be dere!

Den da really wierd stuff started. No, da udder stuff wid da bouncing cars, dat wasn't wierd enough. Da ground started ripping up, in a line from one kid to dis guy, like nuttin you ever seen! No, not like dat. Like someone was pulling up a buried wire, but dere was no wire, and da pavement was ripping up! But it missed dis guy, see, and SMASH! It broke a light pole! Smashed it in two, like ya hit it wid a car. Den it gets worse! I start hearing gunfire, machine guns, coming from right underneat me! Somebody is a friend of dat guy in da parking lot, and is trying to shoot dese tree jap kids, but da bullets are bouncing off like dey was nuttin! Yeah, like dat! Amazing! Unbelievable!

So den it gets even worse! One of da kids... no, not dat one... Yeah, one of da udder kids, he trows a car right at me! Well, yeah, not at me, at da guy below me, but it coulda been at me--whaddif he missed, huh? See? Yeah! I coulda been killed! Da car hit de hotel right below me, wid a crash like you never heard! And here I yam, standing in a window right above it! I coulda been killed! I tell ya, I nearly pissed my pants! Yeah! No! Yeah! So now I don't know WHAT'S going on, and somebody hits one of dose kids wid someting so hard dat da kid flies back into a car and da car breaks! No, da kid don't break, da car breaks! Like it got hit wid a big hammer, it breaks! Da kid don't move again, I can tell you dat much.

Da udder kid, da one dat had been out dere from da start, he has been grabbed by da guy now. No, not dat guy, he musta been crushed by da car. Da guy dat pitched da car earlier. Yeah, dat guy. So dis guy, who picked up a car and trew it, he's shaking da kid now. Da kid looks tough for a minute, but den he screams and passes out, just as anudder kid... No a fourth kid... yeah, anudder kid is running out into da parking lot. Yeah, just like de udders, a jap kid. Young. No, not dat young. You know, dey all look da same. Yeah. Anyway, dis is da wierdest ting yet. Dis kid, he disappears!! He yells someting, den he disappears! Like he was never dere! Dere was explosions, gunfire, all sorts a noise, but dere was nobody near him, and he just up and disappears! Fuggin unbelievable. Yeah.

No, I dunno what happened to da udder kid. No, dat kid got shook by da guy. No, dat kid got knocked into a car. Yeah, broke da car. Look, I dunno what happened to dat kid, allright? I was busy! I had a car pitched at me, I coulda died! Shaddap already! So yeah, dat was about it, but I ain't told ya da worst part. Anudder guy and a girl--real cute, too, an' young, a real looker. No, not a jap girl, an american girl. Yeah, da guys wasn't japs. Anyway, dey runs out and grabs da two jap kids dat was left, dey hadda be dead, yeah, dey grabs dese two kids and breaks into a car and drives off! Yeah!

And da worst part, da worst part of all, after all dis, is dat dey stole my car! No, a rental, stupid. But I've had it wid Tokyo. Da streets ain't safe here. I gotta get back to NY. Yeah. Yeah.

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