[SCENE: A well-lit room. All that can be seen is a large plush couch, a big screen TV and a VCR. Marta, Noriko and Shion are sitting on the couch glaring at the TV screen.] NORIKO : Okay, how long to we have to wait here? SHION: I don't know... the contract doesn't cover Magic Voice's failure to appear. MARTA: Can I go home? NORIKO & SHION: NO! MARTA: Meanies. [The lights go out.] SHION: What in the hell? MARTA: Good, *now* we can go home. NORIKO: Hold it a moment. [The TV swtches on] NORIKO: What is this? TV: HERE IS THE INFORMATION YOU REQUESTED SHION: A video virus? TV: PLEASE READ THE FOLLOWING MESSAGE MARTA: It's... it's... it's video spam! NORIKO And the door is still locked! SHION: Then come over here and sit down and suffer like the rest of us. TV: WE ARE GOING TO GIVE YOU THE POWER NORIKO : This is such a waste of time. MARTA: And spam means *no* chance of a sex scene. WE ARE GOING TO GIVE YOU THE POWER MiSTed by Michael Surbrook with Marta Nys, Noriko Kobayashi and Shion Nys >Subject: we are going to give you the power MARTA : "We gotta power!" >Date: Sun, 13 Jun 1999 09:03:04 -0500 >From: "Carol" NORIKO: Ahh, yes, 'hotbot', home of spammers the world wide. SHION: Poytt? What the hell is a 'poytt'? MARTA: The sound Pinky makes? >To: powernow MARTA: Yeah! Power now! Power to the people! >20s@dedaana.otd.com >OK, we are going to give you the power! MARTA: Great! I want an Aura of Smooth! SHION: I think you already have one of those... >You have worked with other >companies or heard the sad tales of woe from frustrated networkers. SHION: Yes, the dread curse of Windows NT. NORIKO: Or Novell... >What if you could put together the ideal network marketing company? NORIKO: And send spam to millions? >What characteristics would you build into your company? MARTA: A desire for serious casual sex with the boss. SHION: This is a networking company, not a porn studio. >How would you treat your distributors? NORIKO: Like the second class scum they are. >Let's see... >1) First you'd need products that people want, MARTA: Viagra. >need, SHION: Air. >can afford, NORIKO: Virtually nothing. >give results, SHION: OS 8.6. and are in demand. MARTA: Beenie Babies. >This is a must. (What if you had products with9 years NORIKO: ... for breaking and entering. >of extensive double blind studies, SHION: Meaning the research group had no idea what they were testing or why. >worked in seconds or minutes, MARTA: Bonds instantly! New Krazy glue can repair anything and everything! >and affordable! NORIKO : Now how much would you pay. >What if you could add products SHION: ... to your already dead inventory? >announced on CNN and weight loss products that really work! MARTA: Oh, this must be a work of fiction! SHION: Wonderful, will there be the required Self Insertion character? >Naw!! Really?? SHION: Nope, we've been pulling your leg. Boy, do you look stupid. >This is only a dream, right?!) NORIKO: Nightmare is more like it. >2) What if in addition to other products IN DEMAND, you had an >absolutely DELICIOUS nutritional snack bar. MARTA: WHAT if I said I DON'T care? SHION: How did you do that? MARTA : Oh, it's EASY! >(What if this nutritional bar had 3 NORIKO : 5 sir. >major medical health benefits and it contained: MARTA: Lark's vomit? Where on the package does it say 'lark's vomit'? SHION : Right there after the cockroach cluster. >1) Live enzymes NORIKO: 'Live enzymes'? MARTA: Well, if they were dead it just wouldn't taste the same. >with digestive capabilities SHION: Translation? It will eat your stomach lining. >and studies to prove that it aids in the prevention MARTA: ... of people voting Republican. >and the reversal of any degenerative disease including cancer, ALL: ... NORIKO: I think that line speaks for itself. >2) Micro nutrients MARTA : Micronutrients! Proven to reduce engine wear and increase gas milage! >that have been proven to prevent and reduce the SHION: ... chances that you will ever reproduce. >risk of cancer dramatically and actually has the >endorsement of The National Cancer Foundation, NORIKO: As a product you should never, ever think about eating. >3) The only nutritional snack bar in the industry SHION: To be made out of heat-pressed sawdust. >to be registered with the FDA NORIKO: As a controlled substance. >and have a drug code right on the label. MARTA : Wow, mine says 'cocaine'. > All this and still be amazingly delicious and filling! SHION: Considering it's 100 percent sugar. >This couldn't possibly be for real, could it?!?) NORIKO: Of course not, this is only a theroretical prototype. >3) Then, you would want a company who would be willing to expose MARTA: ... itself on national TV. SHION: Ahhh... FOX must be having sweeps week. >these products thru the media, at their cost: NORIKO: A dollar ninty-five. >TV and radio commercials, newspapers, talk shows, etc., >to help you get the word out. MARTA: To avoid this offer like the plague! >Offer people the chance to purchase SHION: ... more worthless products. >products thru an 800 number NORIKO : I can only presume operators are standing by. MARTA: I'd prefer a 900 number. SHION: Speakling of which, I'd like to talk to you about my last phone bill... MARTA: eep! >while viewing or listening to the advertisement. >(I haven't seen anything like this before! MARTA: The lameness of this scam is just mind boggling! >Could you just imagine!) NORIKO: Yes, but I can imagine an awful lot. >4) Then you would want your ideal company to let you share in the >sales generated from this media exposure. >Imagine what kind of volume this national exposure would generate. MARTA: Wow, this company goes up to '11'! >(What company would do this? NORIKO: None of them? >We had nothing to do with these sales! SHION: It was just a fluke of marketing, honest! MARTA: If they had nothing to do with the sales figures, why are they taking all the credit? NORIKO: The wonders of spindoctors. >This would be radical!) MARTA : Wooooaaaahhhh... radical dude! >5) Wouldn't it be great if we were given the names and addresses of SHION: ... the people that *really* piss us off? MARTA: Uhm... getting a bit dark there, sis. >the people who ordered product this way, so that we could NORIKO: ... laugh at them? >follow-up with the customer to either sell more SHION: ... useless... >product as needed or >introduce him or her to our MARTA: ... idea of the perfect mate! NORIKO: And for you that would be Mai Shuranui with a lobotomy, right? SHION: Either that or Melon and Non. MARTA: ... > ideal business opportunity. That would take care of our MARTA: ... special needs. SHION: Yes and you are 'special' all right. >distributors having to constantly be finding their own qualified >leads. (Companies now let us find our own leads, they follow-up with NORIKO: An airstrike I hope. >these people and THEY pocket the proceeds!) MARTA: NOW how much would YOU pay! SHION: Ow! Stop doing that! >6) You would want your company's compensation plan structured in >such a way that NORIKO: You could strip it for all it was worth and leave nothing for your investors? SHION: I see you did some business investigation at one point. NORIKO: Four years worth. >we wouldn't need hundreds or even thousands in our downline >before we start earning a decent check. >Most people cannot do this. MARTA : This is something you cannot do! >(True, but who's going to tell you this when you start?) SHION: Why, the nice and grandfatherly CEO, of course! MARTA: Oh, like Chairman Quincy? >7) Wouldn't it be great if we could share in the successes of other NORIKO: And take all the credit for it? >distributors, and not just those that are in our downline. >We would want everybody to be successful, not just some. NORIKO: This is starting to sound like Socialism. MARTA: Aha! I knew this was a commie plot! >(Nope - all we can do is admire the others' success!) SHION: And stew in our own envy. >Yes, wouldn't it be great if a company like this existed? NORIKO: Yes... but too bad it doesn't. >One that confronted all the major drawbacks in this industry SHION: I presume they start by killing all the pointy-haired managers? MARTA: Lawyers, Shee. First thing we do is kill all the lawyers. >and actually solved them....a company that was built by distributors, for >distributors.... a company that would want it's distributors to be >successful....wouldn't it be great? MARTA : Why do happy movies always make me cry? SHION: Great, this is the spam version of "It's a Wonderful Life". >Introducing the nation's first and only Wave5 company, a company that >has done all that and more! For more information about this >unprecedented business opportunity -- please email: SHION: spam@morespam.com. NORIKO: I'm thinking: sucker@ripoff.com. MARTA: fooledyou@noway.com? > mailto:powerwave@iname.com?subject=more_info >or mailto:powerwave@writmail.com?subject=more_info >now for complete details. You now have the power to achieve your >goals! MARTA: I do? Cool, I want to seduce anyone I want! SHION : Get way from me, do you hear me? >******************************************************** MARTA: Wow, that snowfall was quite sudden. >To be removed from our mailing list, SHION: Click your heels together and say 'There's no place like home' three times. >please send an email to NORIKO: getreal@notachance.com. >mailto:takeoff MARTA: Oh, like take off eh? SHION: A Canadian spammer? >@dbzmail.com?subject=remove MARTA: DBZ mail? You're kidding me, right? SHION: Well, it would be kind of nice to see some of the characters from Dragonball come by and removed these people. NORIKO : ... dbzmail.com. Right. SHION: Going to send Lebia after them? NORIKO: What do you think? >******************************************************** MARTA: Must be Canada, look at all that snow. SHION: Give it a rest, these jokes have been done to death. [The TV swtches off] NORIKO: That was very pointless. And very confusing. MARTA: Why us? SHION : Spammers are eveywhere. [The lights go on] NORIKO: Right, I'm, leaving. SHION: Yes, I'm right behind you. MARTA: Funny, all of a sudden I have the urge for a candy bar. \ / \ / -- O -- FFIIIIISSHHHH / \ / \ SHION: And I have the sudden urge to through you through a wall, your point? Shion Nys & Marta Nys (c) 1997 Michael Surbrook Noriko Kobayashi created by Jeff Mueller, used with permission. MSTed by Michael Surbrook susano@otd.com Visit Surbrook's Stuff! A Hero System/Champions source (especially for anime and manga material) at http://www.otd.com/~susano/index.html >2) What if in addition to other products IN DEMAND, you had an >absolutely DELICIOUS nutritional snack bar.