[SCENE: A dimly lit room. There is a large plush couch, a big screen TV and a VCR. We see Noriko Kobayashi sitting alone on the couch, periodically checking her watch and fuming.] NORIKO: Where *are* they? [The door opens and in walk Ling Ling Li, Marta Nys and Shion Nys. Ling Ling is wearing black trousers and a jacket similar to that typically worn by kung fu artists; Marta is wearing her trademark black jumpsuit; Shion is wearing an expensive-looking, ankle-length black dress with a high collar. All three look very depressed and have puffy red-rimed eyes (as if they have been crying).] NORIKO: Where have you been? And why are you all dressed like that? MARTA: We got canceled! LING LING: Our campaign's been shut down! SHION: It would seem that the current incarnation of 'Kazei Five' is no more. NORIKO: That's terrible! MARTA: Yeah, and I hear your campaign is on hold too. NORIKO : No... MAGIC VOICE: Yes. ALL: NORIKO : Oh, it's you, again. MAGIC VOICE: You still have a few minutes, please continue. NORIKO: Well... what happens now? SHION : I guess we are going to hold still until Michael decides what to do with us. MARTA: Well, at least he's going to wrap a few things up first. NORIKO: Like what? MARTA: Well, after rescuing my big sister from the clutches of Genom, we take of to New Zealand for some R&R. While there, Genom blows up the shuttle Robert deVice is piloting (he's Shion's 'boyfriend' y'see)... SHION: Lover. MARTA: Whatever. And Genom kills my ex-lover Chiffon, who's still in the hospital. So, Shion ends up hanging out with Takeda Johnson and I move to Hong Kong to become Ling Ling's new bodyguard and occasional bedmate. LING LING: Hey! MARTA : What? LING LING: Why don't you just tell everyone? MARTA : I think I just did. LING LING: Grrrr... NORIKO: Uh... how could Robert deVice be piloting a shuttle? He's a MegaTokyo police officer. SHION: In your universe he is, in mine he's was a shuttle pilot. Actually, I could care less what his job was, I just liked the fact that he was big, broad and blond. NORIKO: Errr... right. LING LING: Well, at the very least it will probably be three to four months before there is even a chance of us finding work again. MAGIC VOICE: Not true. There is always fan fiction to review. SHION: That's not a job, it's more like torture. NORIKO: Especially considering that last one you stuck us with! "Go, AMP, Go!" was disgusting! MARTA: I liked it... sorta. LING LING: Keep it up and you'll be looking for another body to guard. MARTA : Oh, Ling Ling, that's not what you said last night. SHION: Ahem. Perhaps we should just get this over with? NORIKO: Agreed. What are we getting stuck with today? MAGIC VOICE: Two very short Bubblegum Crisis fics written by someone called 'Koopa'. Don't worry, these stories don't contain a trace of lemon in them. SHION: Will wonders never cease. [The four ladies take thier seats on the couch. The order from L to R is Noriko, Ling Ling, Marta and Shion. A moment later the VCR starts up.] LING LING: Hey! I don't have to run the VCR anymore, I like this! BABY SITTING AND TESTS OF FEAR MiSTed by Michael Surbrook with Noriko Kobayashi, Ling Ling Li, Marta Nys and Shion Nys Baby Sitting NORIKO: Hmm... exactly what would 'babysitting' have to do with the BGC universe? SHION: One of the Knight Sabers spends the day looking after Mackie? LING LING: I thought this *wasn't* a lemon story? By Koopa--Sorry this is so small and badly made. MARTA: Hey Noriko, aren't you supposed to say "we're doomed" right about now? NORIKO: Not this time, I feel a headache coming on. At AD police HQ Nene walks into the chief's office once he called her there. NORIKO : Uh... what? SHION : Oh this is going to be good. Nene: Reporting as ordered sir. Chief: Good. Since you were so good with watching over my niece, I want you to watch over my grand child. My mother and law dropped him here at the last moment. Can you please watch over him. ALL: SHION: So good watching the chief's niece? Should we mention that Lisa almost got killed in that episode? NORIKO: I want to know what a 'mother and law' is. MARTA: Uh, since when was the AD Police chief married? LING LING: Oh, since about two sentences ago. Nene: Yes Sir. SHION: What? Nene would probably explode if asked something like that! MARTA: Or whine at least. NORIKO: Well, if you've been paying attention, so far Nene's had all the emotional range of a rock. LING LING: Be nice, all she's said is six words. SHION: And she's sounded like Steven Wright for all of them. Chief: Good. He is 4 years old. I'll bring him to you at the end of the day. MARTA: Yuck, small children. LING LING: What? You hate kids? MARTA: Damn straight! Small kids are cute and I hate cute! LING LING : Oh, Marta, that's not what you said last night. SHION: I wonder if Nene's is getting overtime for this? NORIKO: I want to know when 'babysitting' was made part of the ADP job description. SHION: I think it's right after 'die messily at the hands of boomers'. Nene: Yes sir. MARTA : I have no freewill, sir. Nene leaves. At the end of the day the Chief drops Mike off. ALL: Mike? LING LING: So, what's worse, reading this fic, or seeing our writer starring in it? NORIKO: Get real, there is no way our Michael and Mike are one and the same. LING LING: I know that, but it sure makes for a funny mental image, doesn't it? Nene: So your Mike? MARTA : No, you're Nene, he's Mike, me Marta. Mike: I want some food. SHION: Hey... it *is* our writer! LING LING: Only if he asks to be taken to a Chinese resturant. NORIKIO: Or a sushi place. Nene: OK. MARTA : I have no freewill. SHION : I am Nene of Borg, I have been assimilated. They leave and go out to get some food. They go to a food stand out side. While Nene is buying food Mike runs off chasing a cat. LING LING: Great, now it's turning into crossover between either Nuku-Nuku or Sailor Moon. MARTA: Whoa, kid's only four years old and already he's chasing pus- SHION : Don't. You. Dare. MARTA: Mmrmph! Nene looks for him but has no luck. She finds a note in a back ally way. LING LING: Dear Nene: hate you, hate grandad, am leaving this fanfic. Love, Mike. Note: If you ever want to see the chief's grand son again you will deliver 1000 dollars to us at Tinsel City. We will find you. SHION: A grand? All they want is a grand? These guys are pathetic! NORIKO: Tinsel City? Do you suppose that Koopa knows that Tinsel City isn't a place, but the name for *all* of MegaTokyo District Three? MARTA: Anyone dumb enough to ask for only a thousand dollars in ransom money deserves what they get. Nene races home and tells the other Night Sabers off this. NORIKO : That's 'Knight' Sabers! They form a plan. SHION: Okay Nene, you're this piece of glass. MARTA: I don't wanna be the piece of glass. SHION: Okay, what do you wanna to be? MARTA: I wanna be the coke bottle top. Nene goes to Tinsel City and waits for the people who wrote the note. 4 Boomers approach her. One has Mike. Suddenly Priss, Sylia, and Linna drop down on the 4 and attack them. The Boomers shed their skin and attack back. While they fight Nene grabs Mike and rushes away. The Night Sabers beat the Boomers. ALL: NORIKO: What...? LING LING: ... the hell...? MARTA: ... was that? SHION: Did I blink and miss something? MAGIC VOICE: Would you like to see that part again? NORIKO: Yes. Nene goes to Tinsel City and waits for the people who wrote the note. 4 Boomers approach her. One has Mike. Suddenly Priss, Sylia, and Linna drop down on the 4 and attack them. The Boomers shed their skin and attack back. While they fight Nene grabs Mike and rushes away. The Night Sabers beat the Boomers. ALL: SHION: This is a joke, right? LING LING: What? Has Koopa taken hints from Ratliff on how to write action scenes? MARTA : I don't get it. When Michael wrote the story where I first met Ling Ling, he took six *pages* to describe a gunfight. This guy sums up a battle between the 'Sabers and four boomers in six *words*! NORIKO: Run that again! Nene goes to Tinsel City and waits for the people who wrote the note. 4 Boomers approach her. One has Mike. Suddenly Priss, Sylia, and Linna drop down on the 4 and attack them. The Boomers shed their skin and attack back. While they fight Nene grabs Mike and rushes away. The Night Sabers beat the Boomers. NORIKO: I... I... I really don't know what to say. SHION: Hey, how does Nene know that four boomers are approaching her in line two? NORIKO: Umm... if she's wearing her hardsuit it would be no problem. LING LING: Where does is say she's wearing a hardsuit? MARTA: Look, trying to apply any sense of logic to this is going to give us all headaches, give it a rest. NORIKO: Agreed. Later the next day Nene returns Mike to the Chief and says she will never baby sit for him again. ALL: NORIKO: I'm not even going to bother. The End SHION: Right! I'm out of here MAGIC VOICE: There is still a second story. MARTA : Yeah, get down here! Tests of Fear LING LING: This sounds promising. By Koopa SHION: Who ranks up there with Dr. Thinker and Ratliff on the goofiness scale. Nene's friend races over to Nene's desk at AD police HQ. MARTA : Hey, do you like kids? Wanna watch one? Nene: Did you get the tickets? LING LING: Yeah, you wanted to see Marilyn Manson, right? Friend: Yea, I sure did! NORIKO: Yet another amazing characterization by Koopa. SHION: I always like it when the script describes someone as 'Friend', or 'Man' or 'Soldier number 2', it really gives one a feel for the character. Nene: Wow, I heard all were gone. You some times work mericles! Thanks! Oh, I have to go. Wanted to get some shopping done. MARTA: Has anyone tried reading that out loud? Does anyone *really* talk like that? NORIKO: I think someone needs to teach Koopa how to use contractions. Friend: OK, meet me at the concert tonight. Nene: Wouldn't miss it for the world. Nene gets up and leaves. As she leaves the building she gets on her scooter and takes off. She stops and shops at the market. SHION: This reads like a 1st grade reading primer. MARTA: Yeah, I can see it now, "See Nene shop". LING LING: "See Nene panic when attacked by boomers." NORIKO: "See Nene get ribbed about her weight again." SHION: "See Nene eat cheesecake to make up for it." As she shops she passes a pay phone. The phone rings. Nene wonders who may be calling a pay phone so she answers it. NORIKO : Shouldn't you be at work now? Nene: Hello? SHION: Hello! MARTA: Hello! LING LING: Hello! NORIKO: Hello! ALL: Hellooooo!!! Voice: Listen very carefully. MARTA: Do you have Prince Albert in a can? Don't look behind your self or I'll kill you. I have a gun straight at your back and if you don't do as I say I will kill you. SHION: Take a breath and I will kill you... No, wait, that's not right... Meet me tonight behind the concert and come alone. Tell no one of this. I will be watching you, Nene. LING LING: Oh, and have a nice day. They hang up NORIKO: 'They'... exactly how many phones did Nene answer? and Nene is left scared. She decides to go home. She sits at home like a scared rat. ALL: Okay... I see... unhunh... What? She watches the door non stop hoping no one will come to kill her. Suddenly the phone rings and Nene falls down ducking in fear. MARTA: What do you do when you hear the phone ring? ALL: Duck and cover!!! She looks up at the phone and realizes it is just the phone ringing. ALL: Wanh, wanh, wanh... Nene: Hello? MARTA & LING LING : Hellooo! Hellooo! Voice: Remember! SHION : The needs of the few out weigh the needs of the one... Nene: What do you want?! NORIKO: Plot, characterization, action, sensible dialogue... ANYTHING! SHION: Whoa, easy there little seaweed girl... *Click* They hang up. Nene hangs up in more fear than ever. Suddenly the phone rings again. Nene ducks down again SHION : Remember kids, what do you do when you see the flash? LING LING & MARTA: Duck and cover! in fear then gets up and picks up the phone. NORIKO : I don't care who you are! Just shoot me and get me out of this fanfic! Nene: He, he, hello? SHION: Yes, this is the reader, have you seen the plot? MARTA: : N - n - no. SHION: I see, sorry to have bothered you. Priss: Do you remember our lunch? LING LING: No, but if you hum a few bars I can fake it. Nene: Oh I forgot all about lunch. I'll be there as soon as possible. Nene hangs up and rushes out the door. She gets to the restaurant and goes in. Priss is still waiting for her. She sits down with her. NORIKO: Does any here besides me detect a slight flaw in this scene? MARTA: Besides the fact that Nene is having lunch with the one member of the Knight Sabers that she argues with all the time? No... Nene: Sorry, I'm late. LING LING : Darn, you're still here... oops, spoke out loud! Priss: What did some one kidnap you? NORIKO : Use-a-comma-Koopa! Nene: No, wh you say that? SHION : Darn! A hundred bucks wasted! Priss: I'm just kidding. Now lets order so we can eat. MARTA: This could be trouble... Nene eats like a horse when she's upset. LING LING: No cheesecake in the city will be safe. Nene thinking: Can tell Priss or we may be shot. SHION : Yes, you too can help decide the outcome! Call 555-1212 and place your votes to help Nene decide! Tell Priss, or be shot? You make the call! That guy could be watching us at this very moment. LING LING : I wonder if he's cute? Suddenly Linna walks in and says hi. As she says hi MARTA : Hi! SHION : Hi! MARTA : Hi! LING LING: Oh, cut that out. Nene ducks down surprised again. NORIKO: Compound sentences! Conjunctions! Contractions! Use some of them, Koopa! LING LING : Uh... guys? I think Noriko is about to go postal... That night Nene decides to not hide in fear for tonight. NORIKO: Arrrgggggghhhh!!! LING LING: Uh... guys? SHION: Oh, ignore her, she's just trying to draw attention to herself. [Ling Ling stops watching the fanfic in order to make Noriko more comfotable on the couch (loosens her tie and jacket, etc).] She gets in her Hard suit with out the others knowing MARTA & SHION: SHION: Okay, I'll buy Mackie pulling this trick in "Tales", but *not* Nene. and heads out to the concert. She flies to the back and looks around for the guy. MARTA: Sis? How the hell is Nene going to know who to look for? SHION: Just smile and nod. He shows up and Nene drops down and attacks him. He falls to the ground. MARTA: Uh... SHION: Nene? Attack? Get real! Nene: Your the guy that called Nene, right! Why? MARTA: Why ask why? Guy: I just wanted to get some one here so I could steal their tickets. How did you know I called Nene? SHION: Correction, how did *you* know to call Nene in the first place? MARTA: Remember, Shee, just smile and nod. Nene: Uh... Kight Sabers know every thing. MARTA: W-w-what? First it's 'Night Sabers' and now it's 'Kight Sabers'? SHION: Kite Sabers? What, they have strings attached? I'll be going now. Don't do this again. MARTA: There you go Nene, put the fear of God into them! Nene runs off thinking there was nothing to fear. Then she relisises she has to go to the concert. She flies home gets dressed and races back to see the concert. MARTA & SHION: ... SHION: I give up... this fic is so dull that I can't find anything amusing to say about it. MARTA: You ain't the only one. The End MARTA & SHION : Yay... MAGIC VOICE: Now that you've viewed the fanfics, what comments do you have to make? LING LING : They were pointless! NORIKO : I had jello today... MARTA : Well, since Noriko is out for the count, I'll sum it up: nothing happened. Zip, zero, nada. SHION: Noriko was right, these fics have nothing in the way of setting, plot, characterization, action or dialogue. These flaws are further compounded by the author's use of script format, which means you don't get any sort of emotional inflection to the dialogue. LING LING: Not to mention they were mindlessly dull and boring. NORIKO: Please, mom, just five more minutes. MARTA: And any potential action scenes are reduced to just a few words of drivel. "The Knight Sabers beat the boomers." C'mon, get real, who would want to read or watch something like that? LING LING: Not me... hey, can we go now? MAGIC VOICE: Your comments have been noted. You are free to leave. SHION: Oh thank you so very much. MAGIC VOICE: By the way, does anyone here know the name David Gonterman? ALL: No... why? MAGIC VOICE: Just asking. Oh, and have a nice day. \ / \ / -- O -- FFIIIIISSHHHH / \ / \ SHION: Now *I'm* having a bad feeling about this. "Baby Sitting" and "Tests of Fear" written by 'Koopa'. No copyright infringement indended by this MSTing, which is for amusement purposes only. Shion Nys & Marta Nys (c) 1997 Michael Surbrook Noriko Kobayashi created by Jeff Mueller, used with permission. Ling Ling Li Copyright (c) 1987-97 by Yuzo Takada. This version was used without permission. MSTed by Michael Surbrook susano@otd.com Visit Surbrook's Stuff! A Hero System/Champions source (especially for anime and manga material) at http://www.otd.com/~susano/index.html The Night Sabers beat the Boomers.