[SCENE: A dimly lit room. There is a large plush couch, a big screen TV and a VCR. Shion is sound asleep on the couch, far too many cans of Sapporo laying on the carpet around her. The door opens and in walks a six-foot tall redhead. She an athletic frame and a medium build. Dressed in a form fitting black suit, she has a foot-long tanto strapped to her right thigh and a katana scabbarded across her back. A mask hangs around her neck. Seeing that Shion asleep, she walks over and gently shakes the other woman awake.] SAMANTHA: Uh... Excuse me... I think it's time to wake up. SHION: Ummm... no more Gonterman... SAMANTHA: Shion? The Empress I presume? SHION : Yes... SAMANTHA: It is an honor and a privilege to meet you! SHION: Of course it is. Thank you. SAMANTHA: Well, anyone that kills David Kintobor is A-OK in my list! Say... Where's Marta? And what's with all the empty cans of Sapporo? SHION: Oh these? I had to do something to try and forget Gonterman and his "American Kitsune" stories. Why are you asking about Marta? SAMANTHA: Oh, she owes me *big*! SHION : Really... Care to explain *why*? SAMANTHA: Just ask her about "The Coming of Munihausen Part 2" and you'll know why. SHION: I see. I take it, then, you're one of the 'guests'? SAMANTHA: Yes I am. Say, is there going to be another one? [SCENE: The door opens and Sara enters the room, or rather, the doorway. To see what she looks like, go to and go right down to the very last picture.] SARA: Am I in the right room? SHION: If you're my other guest reviewer for today's fan-fiction, yes. But, all things considered, you'll wish you weren't by the end of this. SARA: Don't worry. If I can handle being blown up by half a kilogram of C4 without suffering more than a few scratches, I can handle this. SAMANTHA: Handle what? SARA: My player was a nitwit and forgot to check for traps on a door. The next thing I know, I see this shadow of an extremely evil grin in my vision the moment after it was too late not to kick the door and then I'm flying through the air. SAMANTHA: Oh. SHION: I've had worse days. SAMANTHA: Anyway, I can't wait to MST that Ranma fanfic! SHION: Ranma fanfic? Sorry, we're getting Part 10 of American Kitsune. [The room is silent as the news is absorbed by Samantha. Then, in a scream of rage, her eyes flash white and she punches her fist into a wall] SAMANTHA: God Dammit!!! Jamie said we were gonna riff "Ranma: Chocolates, chocolates, and more chocolates"!!! SHION : Well, if it was up to me, I'd take that one. Anything's better then Gonterman. [Sara is holding her gun at the TV. On close inspection, we can see that the gun is a CZ75 Model One - the same kind that Rally Vincent carries in Gunsmith Cats. ] SARA: NO! I draw the line at hideously overpowered self-insertion fanfics! GET ME OUT OF HERE OR I WILL SHOOT! SAMANTHA : When I get my hands on Michael and Jamie... MAGIC VOICE: Please look towards the camera and give a detailed description of yourself. SAMANTHA: The hell!? SHION MAGIC VOICE: Please look towards the camera and give a detailed description of yourself. SAMANTHA: What is this? An interrogation. MAGIC VOICE: Please look towards... SHION: It's best to just get it over with. SAMANTHA: All right. Hello, my name is Samantha Jones. I'm also known as the vigilante, Silhouette. I'm about six feet tall, have a medium athletic build, gray eyes, and flaming red hair. Whenever I tap into my powers, my eyes turn completely white. The source of my powers is a warrior's soul within my own that I can call on to enhance all of my physical attributes - agility, strength, speed, senses, endurance, and healing - to superhuman levels and sometimes beyond. SHION: SAMANTHA: However, even though it's quite easy to enhance my senses to a superhuman level, increasing either my strength or speed seriously accelerates my metabolism. The end result is that that all my body fat goes to fuel my powers. These powers also require an immense amount of concentration. How was that? MAGIC VOICE: Excellent. What stories have you been in? SAMANTHA: Well, there was the "Surprises All Around" storyline with the cast of Tenchi from the OVA series, and pretty soon, I'll be starring alongside Noriko in some Silent Mobius Zeta stories. SHION: I'm sure Noriko will be *thrilled* to hear that. MAGIC VOICE: Now you, Sara. SARA: Well, as I'm sure Mark mentioned way back up there when I came in, a picture of me is available at that URL up above. I haven't been in any published stories, yet, but my character sheet is currently being converted by Mark and Michael for Hero System - the original stats are in Interlock System - and I may show up in a Kazei Five story or two somewhere along the line. In the mean time, Mark is planning to convert my stats to Fuzion and have me guest-star in a couple of episodes of Rock Seven, his new science-fantasy/space opera/cyberpunk story. MAGIC VOICE: Yes, but what do you *look* like? SARA: Okay: I'm five-foot-ten, I look like I weigh somewhere around 135-150 pounds but in fact I'm somewhere around one-eighty or one-ninety from the muscle-and-bone enhancements that have been built into me, and I'm a "catgirl," with cat's eye cyberoptics and grafted cat-style ears, plus I have blonde fur and a catlike nose. Also, I have a carbide razor implanted in each finger in place of a nail, which can extend from my hands on a mental command. My hair is strawberry- blonde and my eyes are, of course, green. My build, probably needless to say, is very athletic without sacrificing femininity. Much like that of about 90% of the female population of most cyberpunk games and novels. MAGIC VOICE: We have movie sign. SARA: Well, since somebody's gotta say it, WE'VE GOT FANFIC-SIIIIIGN! [The TV turns on] AMERICAN KITSUNE 10 MiSTed by Jamie Jeans, Mark Berger and Michael Surbrook with Samantha Jones, Sara Hunter and Shion Nys > FoxFire Studios Presents: [http://users.aol.com/dgonterman] SHION: More right-wing rants. SAMANTHA: Absolutely nothing! Goodnight! > Sailor Moon: American Kitsune SAMANTHA: Damn. SARA: Just for trivia's sake, Sailor Moon is at least partially a self-portrait of her creator, Naoko Takeuchi. SAMANTHA: Really?! SARA: Oh yeah! Not a visual self-portrait, mind you, but Naoko has said, in more than one interview, that Usagi is the character in Sailor Moon that's most like her. SHION: What, cries buckets and can't cook? SAMANTHA: Scary. And who's least like her? SHION: David Gonterman. SARA : Sailor Neptune. > Installment # 10 SAMANTHA: Audience: 0. SHION: Readers? Zero! SARA: Readers, still zilch. SAMANTHA: I think we did this joke to death. > Story by David Gonterman [dgonterman@aol.com] SHION: Such as it is... SAMANTHA: Crap by David Gonterman. SARA: All Out Losers? > Sailor Moon by Toei Animation of Japan, brought to the USA by DIC > Animation SARA: Thank God that Saban didn't get the rights to do Sailor Moon. SAMANTHA: You should see Piccoo rant on about that whole deal when he's drunk. SARA: I know - all that 'alternate dimension' crap. I'm still a little sore about DiC's totally transparent censoring of the Senshi's deaths in "Day of Destiny." > Support Our Sailors: SHION: Send 'em back! SAMANTHA: Support our Sailors by getting rid of Kintobor. SHION: Been there. Done that. SARA: Cool! I've gotta read that fanfic. > http://loony.physics.sunnysb.edu/~daffy/sos/index > "In the name of Cartoons that Don't Suck, I shall punish all who > cancel our favorite Meatball Head! And does that mean you? SAMANTHA: You're asking us? Oh, this is the sign of a good start. > Hmmm?" SAMANTHA: Jolt does taste better then Coke. SARA: This quote would have been cool if I could just figure out who's supposed to be speaking. I think it's Beavis, then Serena, then Darien, then Yoda. SHION: Don't try to make sense of it, you'll only hurt yourself. >_________________________________________________________ > ________ SARA: This fanfic. It's dead, Jim. > TOKYO: > On top of one of the tallest skyscrapers in Inner City Japan, a SHION: Umm... didn't he just say this was Tokyo? SARA: Inner City Japan!? What gives? Japan's a country, not a damned metro area. > tall, dark, and handsome figure looks out his office window. SHION: Largo? SAMANTHA: Quincy Jones was pondering how to get rid of the Knight Sabers... SARA: Jones? You mean Quincy has a last name? > One of his aids just handed him SAMANTHA: His medicine. SARA: A bottle of Black Label. > the evening report and left for the > night, but he wasn't interested in it right now. He had other > things pressed on his mind. SHION: "How do I get out of this fanfic?" SAMANTHA: Let's see here, I've got laundry to do, supper to cook, and kids to pick up... SARA: Like... No, I can't, it's too early in the fic to get that hentai. > Like having been killed by the Negaverse. SHION: Hey, death is just natures way of telling you to slow down. SARA: WHAT? Since when has somebody who was killed by the Negaverse ever come back, other than the Sailor Scouts? SAMANTHA: This reeks of Marvel... SARA: ...or Image. > He died protecting the > one girl that he could say that he loved; SAMANTHA: Uh... Who is this? > the girl that put some > humanity in this person. SARA: I'm not liking the picture I'm putting together here. . . > Humanity, of course, because he himself > came from that Negaverse. SAMANTHA: Strange, we should be hitting the elaboration pretty soon. SARA: Please let it not be him. I liked him but he's dead and bringing him back would just cheapen that death. > His name is Maxfield Stanton. Better known as the former > heaviest-hitting Negaverse General, Nephrite. SAMANTHA: And the World Boxing Champion!!! SARA: Bringing back Nephrite, and thus cheapening one of the best death scenes ever seen in an anime - not even Mary Long's terrible voicing of Molly could ruin that scene. God, this one's going to go down hard. SHION: I take it, then, that you *really* like "Sailor Moon"? SARA: Yeah, so? > Shortly after dying in that girl's arms--Molly, for those who > want to know-- SAMANTHA: Not really since it means dragging this story on even more. SARA: And those who didn't, as well. > he disappeared into the cosmos, where the stars he > used for guidance enveloped all around him. SARA : Everything is ruled by the stars. Damn, that hurts. > NEPHRITE.....IT IS NOT YOUR TIME..... SAMANTHA: PREPARE FOR FINAL COMBAT!!! SHION : gahh... SARA: Don't the Stars have a volume control? > The stars speak to him. SAMANTHA: Makes you wonder what *he's* been smoking. SHION : Please deposit 50 cents for the first minute and 25 cents for every minute thereafter. > *What?... Excuse me for a moment, Stars, but is this supposed to > happen when I die?* SAMANTHA: Don't ask me, I've only come back from the edge of death, not *right* from it. SHION : Well, no, but we had a little extra in the effects budget and decided to go all out for once. SARA : I come back for a crappy self-sert fanfic!? After all we've meant to each other, you bring me back for a Davey-fic!? How dare you! SAMANTHA: Calm down! Man, you think she was Noriko or something. SHION: No, if she was Noriko, she'd be pointing out every misspelled word. > NO. THERE HAS BEEN A REQUEST MADE ON YOUR BEHALF. YOU WERE > DESTINED TO BE SOMETHING OTHER THAN JUST AN NEGAVERSE > GENERAL. SAMANTHA : Ow!!! Someone want to tell this guy to tone it down a bit? SHION : I never wanted to be a Negaverse General... I always wanted to be... a lumberjack! SARA: Someone asked the stars to save Nephrite? Oh god, please don't let it be that Gonterman guy. SHION: Bets? > *I don't understand....why me? >Why not any other Joe Average Yoma?....* SARA: That's spelled, "Y - o - u - m - a," you dunce. SHION: I stand corrected. > THEY DON'T HAVE THE POTENTIAL YOU DO. REACH FORTH AND RECEIVE > WHAT IS DESTINED FOR YOU. SAMANTHA : Ah!!! SHION: Season tickets for the Chicago Cubs! SARA: Or the Minnesota Twins. > Nephrite felt a sudden unexplainable surge of power through his > body. SAMANTHA: SURGE!!! > A glowing orb appeared in front of him. He reached out and > grabbed it. He felt a warm pulse of energy flow through him. It > felt like one of his old energy drains, only in reverse. SHION: Right... 10d6 Aid to BODY, END and STUN, Useable at Range. SAMANTHA: Huh? SARA: It's Hero System terminology. > *My body....what..what's happening to me?* SAMANTHA: I believe it's called puberty. SHION: You're having an origin story... deal. SARA : Ahhhh. Better than acupuncture. > He felt another pulse. He looked and saw the shards Zoicite > threw at him expel from his body. Another pulse. And another. > His torso completely heals. SHION: Whoa! Out of control tense change again! SARA: Those weren't "Shards," they were big-ass tree-root things from one of Zoicite's youma that drained him totally dry and turned him into "Negadust." > Another pulse. His whole body > strengthened and reformed. With a final pulse, he began to glow > and the orb in his hand vanished. SARA: Nobody will be seated during the suspenseful healing and coming back- to-life scene! SAMANTHA: Hold on here! He didn't even *have* a body to heal! SARA: I thought you didn't watch the show that much. SAMANTHA: Not that much, but I did see the show where he kicked the bucket. >Then he heard it. SHION: Nephrite! What are you doing in the bathroom! SAMANTHA: Nothing, mom! SARA: Then turn down that noise! > A heartbeat. > He had a heartbeat. SAMANTHA: Yes, we all have heartbeats, so what makes you so special? SARA: Which puts him one ahead of this fanfic. > He ended up back on Earth. Exactly the place where he died. He > was human now, to his surprise, but he still had his powers. > Just out on the street, his Fararri slowed into a parking spot, SHION: Well, since Noriko isn't here, I'll say it; that's Ferrari, Gonterman! SARA: Hey! Don't steal my lines! And besides, those thinhgs make my Shelby look like the very model of responsible, fuel-efficient design. Yeah, I drive a Shelby. The GM gave me a plot hook based on it. What's that dust there? Oh, it's what's left of the fourth wall. Sorry. SHION: Well considering my BMW 9018s can blow your Shelby off the road, it doesn't matter much to me. SAMANTHA: Why drive a car when you can fly? SARA: Because most of us can't. SHION: And I can't fly at 225 mph in air-conditioned luxury with the radio turned up to 'eleven'. SARA: I *could.* I'd just need an AV-9 - and before somebody asks, that's an aerodyne, not an Ingram. > engine purring. SAMANTHA: All right!!! This has to be the *lamest* resurrection I've ever seen! SARA: I take it you've never seen "The Sailor Scouts meet Chris Caldwell" then? > "Why?" SARA: Because Gonterman likes you. You lucky bastard. SHION: Why ask why? SAMANTHA: Bud Dry. Although I prefer Molson. SARA: Product Endorsement # 1. SAMANTHA: Hey! SARA: It's the truth. > IT WAS NOT YET YOUR TIME TO DIE, ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU HAVE JUST > FOUND A HUMAN HEART. SAMANTHA: Ow!!! Damnit, he's doing it again! SHION : Now put that back where you found it! You don't know where that's been! > "A human heart? Come now, I'm an alien being from another > phracking dimension. What could quite possibly give me a human > heart?" SHION: The same people that gave Davey-kins a website loaded into his left arm. SAMANTHA: So a strong and poetic villan-turned-hero can only describe his home dimension as *phracking*. SARA: Swear or don't swear, don't cheat like this. SAMANTHA: And here I thought the earlier chapters of AK were screwed up. SHION: You just keeping thinking that, I've got some wonderful land in Florida that I'd like to sell you. SARA: I'll trade you some ocean front property in Kansas for it. > Their last one word answered his question: SAMANTHA: TRANSPLANT. SHION: ROSEBUD. SARA: ACME. > MOLLY SARA: If this weren't Davey-kins writing, I would probably now be a bit more interested. SHION: So what? Resurrecting dead villans always make for a bad story. SAMANTHA: I know. You ever read any Marvel comics? SARA: Not since I turned 13. There are actually a few writers who can get away with resurrecting Jadeite, since he technically never died. The trick is to leave the general in the *background.* >_________________________________________________________ >___________________ SAMANTHA: It's a bridge too far. SARA: It's the tension level in this piece. > Maxfield SARA: That's "Nephlite." Maxfield Stanton is what we call an "alias," Gonterman. > walked into his chateau in the woods fully knowing what > to do with this new life, SHION: Go to Disneyland? > with his trademark confidence returning: SHION: I'm smart, I'm successful and doggone it, people like me. > Find Molly and make the Negaverse pay for killing > him, especially Zoicite, the trigger man. SAMANTHA: Yup! Revenge! God, that sounds like a good idea. SARA: Naru... Zoicite male. Molly... Zoicite female. Zoicite is the Ranma of the Sailor Moon universe. >He preformed the star-gazing ritual SARA: Into the shape of a crescent moon. . . Oh, you mean "Performed." >he always done, but the first time as a human. >"The Movement of the Stars controls everything." SARA: Except for a werewolf's changes - the phases of the moon control that. SHION: Thank you, Aughra. MAGIC VOICE: No one is going to get that. SHION: So? >A mini-model of the cosmos appeared in the spacious ceiling above >him. SAMANTHA: Took him five years and a crapload of model glue to make it, but he did it. SHION : Billions and billions of bright burning points of star-stuff. >"Great Powers of the universe, guide me to the one you sent me to." SARA : This is God. Your mission, whether or not you want to accept it, is to kill David Kintobor. Oh good! >The stars converge into a beam of light, that strikes Maxfield in SARA: ... erm, Nephlite... >the forehead, burning an image in his short term memory. SHION : Your mission, should you choose to accept it... SARA: I said that already... SAMANTHA: Uh oh! It's the mind melt! >An image of Molly running for her life. And of the one chasing >her. >"Zoicite! Get away from her you f--" SHION: What? No 'phracking'? SAMANTHA: Okay, just to be sure, but we're still stuck in a flashback, right? SHION & SARA: SAMANTHA: No? Whoa, could've fooled me. >_________________________________________________________ >____________________ SARA: Zoicite's figure. SAMANTHA: I guess that double lane highway hasn't been completed yet. >"--rack!! I guess they're right about when the Cats' away the >Mice will play!" SARA: Hahahahaha... When the rat's away the cats will play, and the queen rat is back! SHION: That made about as much sense as Gonterman's orginal sentence. >Molly said to herself while booking it from the >Yoma of the day. "Only in this case, it's the Sailor Scouts and >the Negaverse!! HEEEEELLP!!" SARA : Originality. Ooh. SAMANTHA: Molly: Power source for the Negaverse. >Molly rounded a corner and thought she dodged her tormentors >enough to catch her breath, but gets a plasma blast set on stun >bounce off her head. "OW!!!" SHION: First, I doubt plasma blasts will bounce. Second, getting hit in the head should put someone down and out. Third, even a stun bolt should have enough kinetic energy to knock someone down. SARA: Yeah, this isn't Star Trek, they can't set for stun! SAMANTHA: you know, I knew Molly wasn't the smartest around, but I didn't know she was *that* thick-headed. >"You can run, Molly," Zoicite, with one of his arms heavily >bandaged , appeared over her. "Bet you can't hiiiiiide . . . " SHION: Pardon? Isn't this the same Zoicite that Davey-boy reduced to a liquid HIV virus a few episodes back? SAMANTHA: Oh, now what good movie is being ripping off here? Can't be a Gonterman fanfic without a few shows and movies being ripped off. SARA: So come on out of there you mangy fat fleabag, aah... It's warm... very warm. AAAH, IT'S A WALL OF RATS! AAAAAHHH, RAAAAAAAAATS!!! SHION : What the *hell* are you talking about? >Molly: "Go away. l-l-leave me alone . . ." SHION: Sorry, Gonterman is here to stay. SAMANTHA: What the...? Oh, I had completely forgotten about how David switches from story to script format in the blink of an eye. >Zoicite: "Oh? and miss out on your Weekly Energy Drain?" SARA: We're getting ours. SAMANTHA: Like I said, Molly *is* the official power source for the Negaverse. SHION: That has to be the dumbest Adjustment power I've ever heard of. >He grabs Molly by the neck and begins to try to drain her SHION: Great, White Wolf goth and angst. Just when I thought this couldn't get any worse. >"Maybe you can be of use to me after I suck you dry! Come on, >GIVE!!" SAMANTHA: This is starting to sound like a *really* bad porno movie. SHION : "Give it to me!" SARA: The sexual connotations of this are just *wrong.* And this is a Playbeing talking. >The choice word if try, because nothing can be siphoned from >Molly's limb, quivering body. >"What is the MATTER with you?!" >She had no energy to give. Not after Nephrite died in her arms. >She practically wilted afterward, SAMANTHA: Then maybe she shouldn't have stayed in the sun for so long. >not saying, doing, or being much in the weeks afterward, SARA: She became a creature with no life, much like this fanfic. And also, for what it's worth (in this fanfic, not much), he's called "Nephlite" in the dub. >and secluding herself in her room >when she wasn't in school. Her mother is getting her treated for >depression, which was the one thing keeping her from suicide. SARA: Uhh, exsqueeze me? Somebody *obviously* hasn't watched the Zoicite story arc in Sailor Moon. Melvin gave Molly a reason to come back to the world of the living again, thus proving that the little dink has *some* good traits. SHION: You know, I really wish Gonterman would find a tense he likes and stick with it. >"BAH! You're not even worth a good screw!" SAMANTHA: oh man, this *is* turning into a bad porno film! SARA: Neither version of Zoicite would *ever* stoop to saying something that stupid. Especially the cool, psychotic and *FEMALE* North American version. >Zoicite throws her down at her feet, out cold. The general >motions his arm to deliver a killing blow, but-- SAMANTHA: It falls off? SARA: The Playbeing motions her arm to deliver a killing blow to the TV set. SHION: Won't work. >AQUARIUS ARROW!! SAMANTHA: Ah! Someone shouts an attack. >Zoey's striking bandaged arm receives another injury as a shaft >of light flies straight and true through it. SAMANTHA: What caused the first injury? SARA: I won't. I can't. It's too easy. >"GAAAAAH!! What is this; homophobe's week?" Zoicite grimaces as >he pulls the shaft out. SHION: Unhunh. Gonterman? How do you pull a shaft of light *out* of your arm? Especially after you stated it flew 'straight and true through it'? SAMANTHA: But I thought the arrow went *through* it? SARA: Sara grimaces as she pulls her gun out. MAGIC VOICE: It won't work. >Then he ears an all too familiar voice >that makes the hairs in the back of his neck stand straight up. >His arm is in agony, but he thinks he has one more shot in it. SAMANTHA: Should have loaded up before you went out. >Nephrite: "Something wrong with that arm, Zoicite, or did your >political activism back in the eighties return to haunt you >sometime?" SARA: Why don't you come over here and find out, big boy? SAMANTHA: Uh... okay... >Zoicite: "YOU! W-Whoever you are . . . you move and--" SAMANTHA: Hah! Your Kung-fu good! But lack displine! SHION: Ling Ling does that *way* better. >Nephrite, in his old Negaverse General uniform, stepped into the >light: "And *what*, Zoey?" SHION: I'll make sure you star in the *next* Gonterman fanfic! SARA: "Zoey!?" Nephlyte *NEVER* called Zoicite that - he always called her "Zoacite." SHION: Hey? Will you find a gender for this guy and stick with it? >Zoicite was as white as a ghost: SARA: The reviewer was red as a beet. As should the writer have been. >"C-C-C-C-C-Can't be . . . >you're dead . . . I've killed you . . . " He fires. >"YAAAAAAAHH!" SAMANTHA: He's on fire? I would scream too. >The magic missile flies toward Nephrite, who caught it by one hand. SARA: Shall we dance? SAMANTHA: Damn! All those bonus Dexterity points sure are coming in handy! SHION: Can magic missles be deflected? >"I GOT--" SAMANTHA: "...you babe..." SARA: ...good tone! I got good tone! >And throws it back at Zoicite. SARA: Cosmic Moon Power! >"*BETTER!!*" SAMANTHA: I'm not dead, but I'm getting better. SHION : No you're not; you'll be stone-cold dead in a minute. SARA: Nephlyte went to the James T. Kirk School of Acting. >The bolt slams Zoicite back 25 feet into a brick wall: SHION: Impressive knockback for a first level spell. >"ohmigodohmigodohmidoghomi--" SAMANTHA: Zoicite is stuck on run-on! SARA: Nobody's going... anywhere. >Nephrite powers up for a shot of his own: Do you think I would >stay dead? With murdering scum like you and the rat-biting >bitches and bastards you call your masters are still sucking >breath!? SHION : Uh, yeah? >GET REAL!!" SHION : Dude. SAMANTHA: Alas dear Nephrite, we knew your character well... >He fires a *huge* comet at Zoey who barely had time to teleport >back to Beryl screaming before the shot demolishing the condemned >building behind. SARA: How convenient. The Maxfield Stanton Wrecking Company. SAMANTHA: This reads like a bad... Actually, I can't find any author who could make as bad a story as David does. SHION: You ever heard of Koopa? >"BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!! Queen Beryl will be most pissed, and >that's just the way I like it!" SAMANTHA: Excellent!!! SHION: I take it Nephy-boy here is none too stable? >_________________________________________________________ >____________________ SARA: Where am I and what am I doing in this handbasket? >"uuuuuh . . . . . M-Maxfield?" >"Molly?" >"It's . . . It's you, Nephrite . . . Am I . . . Dead?" SARA: No, it's far worse - you're in an episode of "Sailor Moon: American Kitsune." SHION: Make up your mind! Is it Maxfield of Nephrite? SAMANTHA: Sorry... about Shatner... speech... >"No, Molly . . . You're Alive . . . and so am I." SARA: No, "Alive" is a *great* fanfic, by Ivana B. Anonymous. This story has nothing to do with "Alive." >"Y-you're alive? . . . You're . . . alive . . . nnnnnnnnnnn . . ." SHION: But, but... that's means my life insurance policy is *useless*! SARA: And this makes him special how? >_________________________________________________________ >____________________ SAMANTHA: Hmmm, I wonder if that hot dog stands still has those foot longs for sale? >Maxfield cleaned Molly off, changed her clothes for a Sailor >Scout uniform, SAMANTHA: Which would make her into cannon fodder. > and let her recover in the guest room of his chateau. SHION: Ooohhh... I just love it when the boss speaks French! >Imagine Molly's surprise when she woke up to see the >one she thought had lost and the long caress thereafter. SARA: Somehow, this whole sexual innuendo seems wrong. SAMANTHA: Uh... no... Please don't let this degenerate into a Gonterman-styled sex scene. Neprite will probably turn into a dog or something... >Molly: "So, if you're not from the Negaverse anymore? What are >you going to do?" SARA : Well, first we get cozy in front of a fire and then. . . SAMANTHA: Get you some proper grammar lessons. SHION : And I'm going to Disneyland! >Maxfield: "To be honest, after finding you and the occasional >exacting some revenge on the Negaverse, I don't know. SARA: Sounds like your typical CyberPunk player to me. SHION: Or Feng Shui. >What >happened to me reeks too much like 'The Crow,' SAMANTHA: And we have movie ripoff! SARA: A moment of silence in honor of the late Brandon Lee. He died as he was just beginning to step out of his father's shadow and create a legend all his own. Who knows what he could have done if he hadn't died while making "The Crow?" SHION: Agreed. In "Legacy of Rage" and "Rapid Fire" we only saw brief glimpses of Brandon's possible greatness. <30 seconds pass> SARA:Well, back to the torture. >and the thought of >me siding with the Scouts . . . just plain irks me a bit." SARA: Could that be because they were trying to kill you for a while? Hey, the Negaverse really did kill you. SHION: Well, just the thought of the Scouts irks me too, so I can sympathize Nephrite there. >Molly: "Oh, it's just that you're a solo player. Do you think >that Queen Beryl might go against you?" SARA: Hmm, let's see, I kicked her general's ass and besides that she already killed me once. . . yep >Maxfield: "I can count on it, with the message I gave Zoicite. >I don't know if you will be safe with me, Molly. And then >there's the part with your parents . . . " SAMANTHA: Yeah, they might object to their daughter falling in love with a guy who's over a thousand years old for some reason. SARA: They won't be happy that you're sleeping with me. >Maxfield was quieted by Molly coming in close to him. She only >goes up to his chest, SHION: Has a flat head, no front teeth, extra large ears and *no* gag reflex..., in other words, Dave's dream woman. >but there's the look in her eyes that she SAMANTHA: Uh... >could take on the Negaverse herself just to protect him: SAMANTHA: Whew! Had me worried for a moment there. SARA: Ha! The Official Energy Source of the Negaverse!? Get real! >"Y'now, >I wish this Sailor Suit you gave me were real . . . " SARA: Oh no you can't. That requires a Star Seed, and Darien's got the Earth Star Seed. >Maxfield: "Maybe I can work on that before the night is done." SARA: Next on Plot Convenience Theater. SAMANTHA: Ding ding ding!!! Plot point! Plot point! >Molly: "And for my Mom, let's take it one day at a time . . . >Oh, are you going to show me that Astronomy trick of yours?" SHION : 'Nuthin up my sleeve! Presto! >Maxfield: "Sure. I believe in that the fates of every living >people are governed by the stars and their movement. SARA: So do about fifty million Americans. This makes you special how? > For example, there's your star, Molly. SHION: It's the one that just went out... oops, too bad... >And you see that path? That >path leads to a great power and energy." SHION: It's called the Dark Side of the Force. SAMANTHA: What path? What star? I don't see anything! >Molly: "Humph! No wonder I've been designated the official >battery of the Negaverse!! Hey, what's it doing?" SHION: Going nova? SAMANTHA: Why is it heading that fast toward my forehead? SARA: There's even a picture running around the Internet to that effect. SHION: >Molly's star separated from the cosmos and lowered toward her. SAMANTHA: >She started to back away but Maxfield held her. >Maxfield: "Don't be afraid, Molly. The stars want to help you >in the same way they raised me from the dead. They wish to give >you your more heartfelt dream you wished on them." SHION: A bigger bust line? SAMANTHA: They're going to get Molly out of this fanfic? >Molly: "You mean . . ." She turns to the star. "You can make >me . . . a real Sailor Scout?" SHION: No! The stars are going to make you a lumberjack!!! SAMANTHA: Wow... I did not see that coming. SARA: No, but I can help you fake it. SHION: Forget it, no guy is ever going to be able to tell a woman how to fake it. It would cripple his ego. >The star--now just an inch from her face--spoke to Molly for a >moment in a language that only her understand, then hovered even >closer to her, until it passes into her chest. SAMANTHA: Boy, is that ever going to hurt coming out! >Upon impact, Molly's body was jolted with the orgasmic SAMANTHA: No... not going to say it. >felling of having her >energies cranked up several notches. SHION: Is this a star or the Orgasmitron? SAMANTHA: Oh no! She's hitting Super-Saiyain 1!!! SARA: And this is the guy who, a few chapters back, was going on about internet porn. Geez. . . SHION: Remember, this is Gonteman. Porn is what other people write. >She gasped once as the star penetrated her, SHION : So to speak. SARA: Ooh, a critical hit - no armor SP to get in the way there! >but then totally relaxed as it entered her heart >and began to spread all through her body by the bloodstream. All >of her senses were drowning in an overflow of input. SAMANTHA: Uh... okay >Her body >began to levitate in air SARA: She growls, she snarls, she sleeps above the covers - four FEET above the covers! >as she appear to chance . . . SARA: As Gonterman 'suffer' a hand spasm. > grow older. . . taller . . . she'll age to about 17 years > chronologically before this step is done. SHION: Obviously Nephrite is trying to avoid any potential legal problems with his new girlfriend. >Her open eyes were staring blankly >into space, which just happened to be contained in her eyeballs. SAMANTHA: Not to mention her head. SARA: It's like the end of "Men in Black" - the entire universe is contained in one little bitty marble! >Knowing that it'll be some time before Molly comes down from this >cosmic power 'high' SARA: This is before she found out about the 'itty bitty living space' clause of the deal. >she in, Maxfield returns to the stars to >check up on the real Scouts. He doesn't know why, he's just >curious: SHION: He's stupid that way. SAMANTHA: Yeah, those acid pills hit really hard. >Images burn in his head of a two-tailed fox with the Scouts. SHION: Gee... I wonder who *that* is... SARA: Okay, the Sailor Scouts are playing a virtual-reality game of Sonic the Hedgehog. >"Hmmm. It appears that there's a new player in the game. And a >powerful one too, may I add. . . SARA: So now Gonterman has Nephrite kissing his avatar's butt. SAMANTHA: More to the story? No way! >So he's the one who nearly broke >Zoey's arm with that Power Rangers-type weapon. SARA: Why? Why do they have to bring in the Power Rangers? SHION: Why did they have to bring in the Sailor Scouts? SAMANTHA: Why did Gonterman have to write this? >This will be >interesting to watch. Although he must do something about his >Furry Mucking addiction; it's beginning to show. Hahaha." SHION: Beginning to show? *Beginning*? Gonterman's so addicted to anthromrphics it's pathetic! It's like my sister always lusting after those damn Lynx sexroids! SAMANTHA: Now if someone could tell me what 'furry mucking additions' was, then I could think of a proper riff. SARA: And the scary thing is, in 2020, FurryMUCK is still around. >_________________________________________________________ >____________________ >HUXTON CO: SAMANTHA: Hey! A location change with no fast-forward! I could like this. SARA: Huxton Company? SHION: No, Colorado, as in *Haxtun* Colorado, which is what Davey-boy called it in Part 6. >What Nephrite was spying at is the Scouts taking their new >Crockett Mechs SARA: BattleMechs!? BattleMechs!? Why not something good like a Wing Gundam? I could take all of these on in an ACPA and stand a good chance of winning. Besides, I'd think Serena would rather have a Fei-Yen Virtuaroid. SHION: I'd rather have a Hammer's Slammers hovertank myself. You can't go wrong with a 200mm plasma cannon. SARA: Yeah, but if you've ever played VO, Fei-Yen looks and fights a LOT like Serena - and when you get her down halfway, she gets medieval on you. SAMANTHA: Ah, just give me a good old fashioned bat. >out for a practice spin. Especially Sailor Moon >and FoxFire in their two seater. SAMANTHA: But they couldn't even get it out of first gear. SARA: I *HATE* BattleTech and even I know that there's no such thing as a twin-seat 'Mech, the crappy TV cartoon notwithstanding. SHION : You need to switch to decaf. SARA: Your point? >Sailor Moon: "So this is our baby, eh Big Brother? SARA: The connotations of that line are just sick and wrong. Gonterman, even for you this is low. SHION : Urkk... you're right. >Let's see these controls make it look like a Video Game." SAMANTHA: Then could you hit quit? SARA: No, the controls of a Virtuaroid make it look like a video game. They're simple to use, so the user can concentrate on real tactics instead of figuring out which button press makes their VR do what. SAMANTHA: How much of this stuff do you know? >FoxFire: "Yeah, these BattleTechs're SHION: Okay, Gonterman. Battletech is the game, battlemech is the *machine*. And you would say it 'these battlemechs are'! SAMANTHA: I see you've taken over for Noriko. >made to be controlled >easily. You steer while I work the weapons. Think you can >handle it, sis?" SAMANTHA: You're asking someone who hasn't even gotten their driver's license to pilot a mech? Now I know David hasn't changed in the chapters I've missed! SARA: This is Serena we're talking about here. Depending on what author you talk to, either she can do anything and everything, or else she's not even sufficiently competent to tie her own shoes. SHION: I vote for 'has trouble with doors'. >Moon: "Hey, with this Virtual Reality style Enhanced Imaging >visor I have on, no sweat. I think I played the computer game >version of it one time, and I whipped it--" SAMANTHA: Whip it good! SARA: Can Serena even operate a computer? >--BOINK!-- SHION: I... uh... no, I won't turn that into a degrading sex joke. I have my reputation to consider. SAMANTHA : Allow me. Ahhh! Those two are having sex again! >Moon: "Oh-oh, it's stuck! SHION: Serena, you only *wish* Davey-boy was *that* big. SARA : Close. It should be, "Davey-boy, you only *wish* you were that big." ALL: >The controls are jammed! I >couldn't've break it already--" SARA: Wanna bet? SAMANTHA: [cracks knuckles] Allow me. >FoxFire: "Don't panic, you're just up against a rock, push the >right thumb button and pull the throttle in reverse." SAMANTHA: Huh-huh. If you can't find them, grind them. SARA: No, hitting the thumb buttons and pulling back is the last thing you want to do. Back-dashes are BAD. Whoops, wrong game. SHION: Personally, I prefer the destructive simplicity of Doom and Doom II. SARA: Whereas I prefer the elegance and graceful mechanized combat-ballet that is Virtual On Cybertroopers. Okay Sega, I've pitched your game, can I have the damn strategy guide now? >Moon: "There! That helps. We can move again! Hey, I see some >blips go up on this radar screen." SHION: That's FASA, they want their mechs back. SARA: No, it's Harmony Gold's lawyers. They want FASA to stop using the Macross mecha in BattleTech. >FoxFire: "The four green blips are the rest of the Scouts. SHION: If we're lucky, Serena will hit the wrong button and vaporize the lot of them. SARA: Hey, don't hit Lita! Mark likes her. >You'll see their names by their respective dots. The red one's >our target. It's in our weapons range." SAMANTHA: Almost there... SHION : Stay on target. SARA : Luke, at that speed will you be able to pull out in time? >Moon: "Hmmm, but I can't see it." ALL: Try opening your eyes! >FoxFire: "Make a right turn and you will. SARA: Okay. SAMANTHA: He meant Serena, not you. >You see that outlined >angle at the top of the screen? You need to have the red blip in >that slice." SAMANTHA: Of pizza? SARA: It slices, it dices and look at all those Julienne fries! SHION: And makes a hell of a good vibrator! Oh god... I'm so embarrassed... I don't know *where* that came from! SAMANTHA: And taken you've over for Marta as well... SARA: Welcome to the Dark Side, Shion. >Moon: "mmmm, okay . . . . There it is! Turn it into swiss >cheese! . . . target.> Hey, what gives? I thought you'd just fire full-tilt >like you always do." SHION: Yeah, Foxfire has only one setting... full auto slaughter. >FoxFire: "Can't. We'd risk overheating the Mech. SARA: Unless you load it to the gills with heat sinks. >That is not good. That is bad. SARA: Thanks for clearing that up, Einstein! SHION: Sesame Street does Battletech... SAMANTHA: Only if someone blows up Big Bird. >Not only will it'll stop operating then, >but we'll run the risk of it blowing up--with us in it!! But if I >fire at an 'off-speed,' we'll won't have that problem." SAMANTHA: Damn! There goes the only chance to get rid of him too! SARA: Ignoring for the moment that any tech base good enough to make mecha will be also high enough to make them move normally and to fire their weapons at high rates without overheating and getting ammo explosions. Just look at Robotech, Gundam, Starship Troopers - the novel, not the crap movie - Virtual On and Mekton. SAMANTHA : Like I said, how much of this stuff do you know? >Moon: "You hear that Raye? No Burning Mandellas in your >cockpit!" SAMANTHA: Nelson Mandella? Now that's just low. SARA: Okay, here's an inconsistency - Burning Mandala, which Rei uses, is a Japanese attack. The American version, Mars Celestial Fire Surround, is used by Raye. The difference is slight but present: Raye's more of a bitch than Rei is. SHION: My sister still lusts after either one of them. >Mars, over the comm: "I *know* that, Serena! :-P SARA: Sooo. . . she's speaking in emoticons now? >David, If we could all take turns firing, we'll be able to SAMANTHA: - have a better chance of hitting you in the crossfire. >keep a continuous fire at our targets, right." >FoxFire: "You read my mind, Mars." SAMANTHA: Eww! Your mind's dirty, David! SHION: I'm suprised she could find something so small and insignificant. >Within a few minutes of taking turns firing off, SAMANTHA : Must... not... make hentai... joke... >at first sporadically but eventually with some rhythm, >the busted tank was reduced to shrapnel, SAMANTHA: Oh no! That was a family of five in a Volvo! >to the joyous chorus of six Scouts with their new toys. . . . SAMANTHA: Sounds like your sister, Shion. SARA: Ohh, your gun is sooo biiig. . . SHION: Y'know, my sister does have an undue fascination with high-caliber firearms and large-breasted women... SARA: Should I even ask? SHION : My sister is an over-cybered killing machine. She like guns and girls, what more do you need to know? >_________________________________________________________ >____________________ SAMANTHA: Hey, it's the plot line! SHION: No, it's an GNDN line. SAMANTHA: GNDN? SHION: Goes Nowhere, Does Nothing. > Raye: Mind if I ask you a personal question? SARA: Are you sleeping with Serena again tonight? She stole a boyfriend from me and I'd like to even the score. SHION: Do you like gladiator movies? SAMANTHA: Have you ever been in a Turkish prision? SARA: Ever seen a grown man naked? MAGIC VOICE: Ladies and gentlemen, the "Airplane" sketch! >David slides out from the Jeffrey's Tube in the Lamboghini Tardis SARA: A Jeffries Tube in a Tardis shaped like a Lamborghini. My head hurts. SHION: You should have seen Chapter 6. SAMANTHA: It didn't have that Klingon Bird of Prey, did it? SHION: Yes, it did. >to answer: Tell me your question first, then I'll tell you if I >mind or not. SAMANTHA: How come you're mixing up the dubbed and manga names all the time? SARA: I'll show you mine if you'll show me yours. SHION: Pass. >Raye: Well, what was it with you and Zoisite? We all know he's >really a gay man, SARA: Not in the North American dub. In the dub, "he's" really a heterosexual woman, and extremely psychotic. >but he doesn't do the stuff that'll get people >to go homophobic on him. SAMANTHA: I sense ego bloating, Captain. SARA: I don't think that my daughter should hear this. SHION: Pardon? SARA: Eric recently informed Mark that the warranty on my contraceptive implant expired. SHION : That's why I get my shots every six months. There is no chance I'm ever raising a brood of brats. Of course, one could do the Kitten-option ad have all your equipment removed... SAMANTHA: Kitten? SHION: She's a cyborg from the series I starred in. SAMANTHA: Hmmm... what? You don't want a bunch of little Shion's and Takeda's running around the house, lifting stuff and breaking them? SHION: Hell No!!! >David: You didn't know him about a decade ago. In fact, Zoey SARA: Zoey? I *partied* with him a decade ago! >was the one who gave me a really nasty experience with the >homosexual lifestyle back in Junior High. SHION : They turned me *down*! SAMANTHA: I wish that I could just go through one chapter of AK without having to see his stupid rants!!! SARA: Does he do this often? SHION: Constantly. >Raye is giving her newest teammate her undivided attention at >this time. SAMANTHA: Huh? What was that, David? >She did sense something from him she couldn't put a >finger on yet, and it was rising at this point. SAMANTHA: Oh yuck! Put your pants back on, David! >She could feel >this fox boy being an outcast--berumcumin SARA: Wacahoupitec? SHION: Someone had better start speaking English, or I'm going to have to get angry. >long before he >grew an extra pair of ears and two tails. SARA: Huh, Davey's only a two-tail? That explains quite a bit. SHION: Really? Do you want to explain that to me? SARA: Well, Kintobor came from Mobius, ne? Well, who else is a two-tailed fox on Mobius? Tails, right? And Tails is about four, right? Best guess? Number of tails in the case of a Mobian fox is directly proportional to maturity. SHION : I'll buy that. >And it was caused by the Negaverse! SARA: And this is new to you how? SAMANTHA: Oh sure! Blame everything on the Negaverse! Corruption of the goverment, homosexuality, AIDS, the Blue Ribbon bill, Robutnick, getting an extra tail, Afro-Centrists, getting your arm shot off, getting beat up by puddies, the speed limit being reduced, and YOUR MOTHER NOT LOVING YOU BECAUSE YOU WEREN'T PERFECT!!! SHION : Society... society is to blame. SARA : Shut up, you're a cheap punk just like the rest of us. >"I didn't have the best luck with the girls. SHION: No shit. You couldn't get me to go out with Gonterman... *or* Kintobor, if you paid me... SAMANTHA: How about killing him? SHION: Did that one already. SARA: You couldn't get me to go out with Gonterman or Kintobor if it *was* part of a hit. >In fact I wouldn't have a snowball's chance in Hell >of having a girl fall in love with me. SARA: Except for authorial fiat, you still wouldn't. Hey, wait a sec, when did he change from script format to story format? SHION: Ignore it, he does that all the time. >So, when Zoisite come to town SARA: How? He was trapped in the Dark Kingdom with Beryl and the rest until the first season of Bishoujo Senshi Sailormoon! And in any case, since Gonterman's playing with the NA version, I must add yet again, Zoicite is a *woman.* SHION: In both the Japanese and American versions? SAMANTHA: Only in the North American Version. DIC did it to make the show more *acceptable* for its age genre over here. SARA: It's made quite clear in the episode translated to the NA version as "The Past Returns" that the Dark Kingdom (or Negaverse, in the DIC dub) was trapped in its pocket dimension by Queen Serenity and that it was their escape that triggered the rebirth of the Sailorsoldiers, the Moon Princess and the Earth Prince. >pushing his Homosexual >agenda and said that one in every ten people are destined to be >gay, every school kid in that school pointed at me. SARA: So? I had that happen to me for the opposite reason: I was going out with too *many* guys, and I was, their opinion, too close to my best friend. Voila, I was a closet homosexual. I didn't care, though - life's too short to go around getting pissed off by every little rumor that comes down the pike. SHION: My sister keeps doing that to me. "C'mon Shee, try it with a woman! Just once! You might like it! SARA: No comento. . . SAMANTHA: Well, have ya? [blushes] I'm sorry, that slipped out. SHION : No. MAGIC VOICE: Ahem, well... SHION: SHUT UP, MAGIC VOICE!!! MAGIC VOICE <3CPO voice>: Shutting up, sir. >Naturally >that had them pushing their doctrine down their throats, SARA: Who's "them," and since when is a scientific theory 'doctrine?' SHION: Y'know... 'them'. SARA: Oohhh... SHION: I'd also like to point out that the 'one in ten is destined' is incorrect. It's more like one in ten has homosexual leanings. >and as a >kid, I couldn't tell them from every other bully in that school. >It was through the grace of whatever God I had at the time to get >out of there with my virginity intact. SARA: Yeah, what with all the guys asking him to come out to New York for a 'de-virginizing' ritual. . . SHION: So, basically, they were a bunch of kids running around Dave's high school looking to sodomize him? Right... SAMANTHA: Ugh... I think my dinner from last week is making it's reappearance. >But, the damage to my character was done, I'm afraid. SARA: You did enough damage to your character yourself. Oh, you mean your reputation. SHION: No arguement there. >The rumor mill ran twenty-four >hours a day on my "homosexuality" and I was branded a Gay without >any say on my own. Even members of my own family believed it. SARA: Suuuuure they did. SHION: Yeah, like my parents believed every rumor they heard about me. Err... actually... they did. But I think that was because my father had some some sick fantasy about spanking the shit out of me and my sister every chance he got. SAMANTHA: Whoa! And here I thought *my* dad was bad for just hating me for being born. >Heck, I would have sex with all five of you right in front of >them and they'll *still* call me a Gay! SARA: The implications of that are just *wrong.* He's implying that it will eventually happen. At this point, Sailor Moon should use Moon Scepter Elimination and smite his happy ass into next Thursday. SHION: Of course Dave will gang-bang the Scouts; he is writing this story after all. >So could you come accusing me of being a homophobe? > Can you really . . . blame me?" SARA: Yes. SHION: Yes. You are a homophobe pure and simple. You are also a fascist and a bigot. Trying to justify it because you had a crappy childhood is no excuse at all. Personally, I think you need to grow up and open your eyes to the world around you and face the facts, Gonterman. No one really cares about your pathetic, whiny, nonexistent problems. >"No on both counts, FoxFire," said Luna, speaking for all of the >Scouts, who kinda listened in (The majority were in tears by >now). SAMANTHA: Probably because of how pathetic that story was. SARA: It's. . . not fair! We're trapped in a crapfic and we can't get out! SHION: I'm in tears from reading that mess. >"I wouldn't consider you homophobic, racist, or sexist; SARA: I would. SHION: Same here. SAMANTHA: Definitely. >especially after you told us that. SAMANTHA: Yeah, yeah, yeah... SHION: Isn't nice how Dave surrounds himself with a bunch of sychophantic yes-men? Do you suppose this is some sort of therapy for him? SAMANTHA: Ego-bloating is therapy? >You were hurt by the >Negaverse in a manner I wouldn't expect. And by someone you will >meet again . . . " >David: You mean?! SARA: Pick a format and stay with it, Gonterman! SAMANTHA: Another return of a once dead villan? Never saw that coming! >Luna: You missed him, David. Zoicite managed to slip away with SAMANTHA: The help of a plot device. >only a serious wound on his left arm. But that's not important >right now. We have to battle Grimlord. . ." SARA: Power Rangers, Sonic, BattleTech, Sailor Moon, *VR Troopers*... Daveykins just doesn't know when to shut up, does he? >Luna turns away at first, to tell the Scouts to get in the car, >but she felt that she needs something else said. She returns to >David. SARA: And reveals her true nature as a Hellcat just before she rips David's head off. SAMANTHA: I hate you, this stupid story, and all your dumb plot devices! We're leaving! SHION: Good idea. MAGIC VOICE: No! SHION : Damn. >" . . . but in a way, I realize this thing called a "White Man's >Burden" is having walked alongside you for a few weeks. SAMANTHA: Which was a damn good John Travolta movie! SARA: No, that's actually a Black Cat's Burden. SHION: Actually, the 'White Man's Burden' comes from Kipling. It refers to the responsibility of the white race to try and govern and educate all the poor, barbaric colored masses out there, despite the fact that most of those masses neither needed nor wanted any help. > Your >world's going down the crapper with all these political issues. SARA: My *lunch* is going to go down the crapper if I have to read much more of this. SAMANTHA: Hey, I got dibs on the toilet! >It's almost like a foreign force taking your heritage, your >opportunities, your pride and even your safety. I can see why SAMANTHA: Oh for crying out loud! He's getting the cat to make his stupid speeches!!! SARA: Oh, the harsh brutality of being a white male in America. Oh the horror. I'm underwhelmed. SHION: Oh, I see. Finding out that you're *not* the only kid on the block is theft of heritage. I wonder what he calls the extermination of the American Indian? SAMANTHA: Probably a good thing. >your type's easy pickings for these skinhead hate groups, much SHION: Skinheads despise blacks and Jews. As far as I know, Gonterman's neither. >like the Bloods and the Crips to the inner city black youth. . . SARA: Did that sentence make anybody else want to pick up a certain black cat and fling her headfirst into a brick wall? SHION: I've wanted to smash the whole crew since day one of this mess. >I have it on good knowledge that, before the Piasa Incident, >after that Multicultural Revisionist History Teacher SARA: Multicultural Revisionist History Teacher... Sounds like a third-level AD&D monster! >flunked you >for being a redneck, SARA: *I'd* flunk the bastard just for being Davey. SHION: Get real... he was flunked for being a jackass. SAMANTHA: You two are harsh... I like it! >you wished on a star SARA: When you wish upon a star, makes no difference who you are, anything your heart desires may come to you. . . SAMANTHA: Twinkle, Twinkle little star... >for an alternative to >the Saint Louis chapter to the White Aryan Resistance. SARA: I wished on a star for an alternative to reading this fanfic. I didn't get it. SHION: Resistance to *what*? The fact there there are multiple races inhabiting this planet? SAMANTHA: I don't know about you two, but *white* and *resistence* should not be in the same sentence... it's just seems so wrong. >I believe we have that alternative now." SARA: We can blow your brains out and you'll never have to worry about it again. SAMANTHA: A really pathetic crossover self-insertion story where the author goes on long rants? Hmpf! Some alternative! >David's answer wasn't immediate. He just let Luna hop in his lap >and pet her until she purred. SAMANTHA: Ouch David! Not so hard! SARA: I won't... I can't... It's too easy! >"You're right, kitty," he finally said. "You're right. . . SHION : I *am* a moron! >Do you think I can get one of those cool marks on my forehead?" SARA: Total non-sequitur. . . SAMANTHA: Sure! Hey, Serena, get the bat! >"I-I-I-I-I-I dunnnooo . . . " SAMANTHA: I didna know Captain! We canne take not much more o' this fanfic! >_________________________________________________________ >____________________ SARA: This fic needs life support, stat! >By noontime, the Scouts say goodbye to SARA: Life! > Huxton CO, SHION: I'd like to point out that a few chapters ago this was Haxtun! >a temporary one SARA: A temporary Huxton, Colorado? What happened to the permanent one? SHION: I'm betting Davey blew it up. >to Edward and the Rangers Alumni SARA: Sounds like a really stupid rock band. SHION: We did that joke already. >as they head for Angel Grove, SARA: I knew this guy was a freak, but. . . >and they are off for a trek across the Mountain Time Zone to >Cross World city. SAMANTHA: Where they crash in a horribe ball of flaming wreckage... right? SHION: We can only wish. >With one stop for gas, SAMANTHA: *GASP* The amazing car needs a fill up? That's a new one on me! SARA: Like hell! A Lamborghini gets a mile and a half to the gallon. >what the Tardis turned Lamboghini Countach >Mobile Home uses to run in real-time, SAMANTHA: this story seems to run in real-time. >they should be there by tomorrow morning. SARA: Well that's about right. SHION: Give or take a few side trips for pointless cameos in other people's stories. >There was enough room for all of them to keep themselves busy. SHION: Warning, that could be the prelude to a lemon scene. My ssiter would sure hope so. >Serena decided to keep up with her web pages, SHION : Darien, how do you spell 'HTML'? >something she found out was easy as pie with >the right programs to help her and Netscape Gold 3.0 to actually >write the files. SARA: Dating this story in mid-96, since Netscape Communicator 4 came out in late '96. SHION: Whatever. SAMANTHA: Shion? Sara? Wake me up once this is done. Feel like I'm listening to a John Agar speech. SHION: John Agar? >But then again, she might just fall asleep in >the middle of all this. SARA: Knowing Serena, I vote for that. >Ami decided to busy herself with the circuitry to make SHION: Herself a 'special' friend. > the Tardis a Tardis again, in case they need >it. She also might take a crack at the Chameleon circuit, and >keep it from frying this time. Raye couldn't make a fire inside, >so she just picked a window seat and decided to take a long nap. SAMANTHA: ZZZzzzzzzzz... SARA: You take a long nap in the window seat, right. >Lita took over the kitchen as the cook for the trip, and Minako >got in front of a computer terminal and is in the process of >fighting boredom with a joystick. SHION: Sounds like my sister... > Luna and Artemis went off in >one corner to take catnaps themselves, and Darien . . . He took >over the steering wheel after a few hours from David so he can go >off in another corner to allow his brain to de-archive more. SAMANTHA: Oh damn. He's still at it. SARA: I'll be happy to de-archive his brain for him. With a 9mm decryption key! >It couldn't de-archive fast enough for David Kintobor. SAMANTHA: Must have downloaded Windows 95. SHION: Get real. Windows 98. >He could >chart the progress by how red the fur gradually changes. SARA: Chart the progress by. . . ahem. . . SAMANTHA: So he's going through puberty? >When >that archive finally finishes restoring his Mobian life to his >memory, he'll see himself as a red fox with black points; where SARA: Umm, "points?" SHION: Ears and tail. >he had his most happy times on Mobius as. SAMANTHA: Where is that vampire when we need him? SHION: I believe that's Mobius, not Morbious. SAMANTHA: Oh. >There, he could throw >away this human existence Fate cruelly throws at his face. SARA (as Fate): Your human existence sucks! > Where he was considered as guilty for the sins of his ancestors as his >ancestors themselves. SHION: Here we go *again*. Brace for another mindless ranting on how the white man is being repressed. > Constantly facing the despise of society >at large with no hope outside of the darkness of hate and anger >that claimed so many of his friends. SARA: Oh shut up, will you. I can think of a lot worse things than being a white American male in 1996. SAMANTHA: That wasn't the darkness that claimed your friends, David, it was your ego. SHION: LIves in a world all his own. >He thought that an social call to Queen Kitsune was in order. SARA (to Shion): He doesn't know the kitsune very well, does he? SHION: Nope. Having anything to do with a kitsune is a very bad idea in my book. >As his mind reaches out across astral planes and continents, he >hoped that he wouldn't catch her in an improper time . . . SAMANTHA: I... I'm too sick to even try to riff that. SARA: Allow me. Fortunately he did and she crushed him on sight! >_________________________________________________________ >____________________ > >Queen Kitsune: "Well, I'm glad you didn't show up half an hour >ago, Davey. Me and Coyote were . . . well . . ." SARA (as Davey): D'oh! SHION: Riiiigghhttt. > This made David blush for a moment. >"That's okay. What can I do for you, kiddo? SARA: "kiddo!?" From a Japanese fox-spirit? SHION: May be it's Urd? > That archive in your head having problems?" SAMANTHA: Yeah, it's the strangest thing. He keeps on getting these things called thoughts and he doesn't know what to do with them. >David: "Not really, ma'am, it's just that . . . I'm getting >impatient with it dissolving, that's all." SARA: And we wish your brain would dissolve. SHION: How do we know it hasn't. >Kitsune: "It's not like the ZIP files you get on your Internet, >David, even though they operate to you similar. SARA: Guh? Someone wanna try to translate that into plain English? SAMANTHA: Simple, it's just like Windows 95. Just when you think all the problems with it are fixed, a new one appears. SHION: Get a Macintosh. >These things do take their sweat time. SARA: Stinks, don't it? > I know. SHION: I sweat all the time too and it takes *forever*. > I had someone else with a memory >archive like yours and it took about a year to do it's job. If >it weren't so slow, the overloading and conflicting memories will >cause someone to go severely schizophrenic and sometimes be >fatal, and no one wants that." SAMANTHA: That's what you think lady. SHION : All in favor say 'aye'. SAMANTHA & SARA: Aye! SHION: Motion passed. >David: "I understand, your majesty. These memories are >cherished to me over the years. They're happier days compared to >my existence on Earth." SAMANTHA: And then there's his fictional life. >Kitsune: "I realize that, and that's why I have an idea to help >you out: You know that your sister over there likes video games. SHION: Let's see what happens in she ends up inside of a game of Quake, hmm? >Why don't you share your memories with her? Just reach out >mentally to her mind like what you're doing right now, and give >her a dream of being on Mobius, she'd just love to meet that cute >hedgehog, Sonic. . . . " SAMANTHA: It's the crossover to *end* all crossovers. SARA: No, I don't think a kitsune would find a hedgehog anything resembling cute. Hedgehogs, to a fox, are LUNCH. >_________________________________________________________ >___________________ SARA: Brain scan of David Kintobor >It was dark except for Raye and the Auto-pilot; she said it's her >turn to drive. SARA: Won't that be fun when the police pull her over? SAMANTHA: If you got an auto-pilot, then why do you need to drive? >A four legged fox slowly crept to Serena's bed, >where she was sleeping soundly. SAMANTHA: Oh no. Not this again. >The fox slowly approached her >face with his probing nose, and felt the sweet breath spilling >over his face. SARA: WARNING!!! EXTREMELY UNCONVENTIONAL LEMON SCENE AHEAD!!! SHION: I hope not... >The crescent moon casted a sole beam through the window and >illuminated the very moment their two noses touch. The fox >moaned a soft lullibye as he worked his magic on her . . . SAMANTHA: ARGH!!! HE'S DOING THE SEX SCENE AGAIN!!! SARA (squirming uncomfortably): No. . . that's sick and wrong. . . SHION: Worked his magic... I think I may be ill. >________________________________________________________ >___________________ >"OOF!!" "OW!!" "HEY!!" "I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry!!" SAMANTHA: Too late, David. We're not accepting your apologies now! SARA: Low comedy. Hurray. >The next thing, Sailor Moon, she has landed on top of a blue SARA: I've, got too many, commas. >quilled hedgehog and a two-tailed orange fox at about the >hedgehog's size, which was up to her front bow tie. She herself >was in costume, but her hair style was replaced with real long >floppy ears. Her skin were replaced with soft fluffy white fur, >and she could swear she felt a cottonball tail on her rear end. SHION: I really wish my sister was here for lines like that. >In short, she became-- SAMANTHA: SHION : A lumberjack!!! >Sailor Moon: "GAAAAAAA!! I'M A RABBIT!!" SARA: How many saw that coming? SHION: I never would have guessed. >Sonic: "And I'm a hedgehog. Sonic Hedgehog, that is." SAMANTHA: Actually, that's Sonic *the* Hedgehog. SHION: Right, and that's Shion *the* Empress. >Moon: "Did you say Sonic? Wow! Kwel! SARA (as Moon): Oops, hairball. SHION > I've played all your games." SHION : How do I get past level 6? >Sonic taps his foot: "Aw man, not another one from Earth. >What's Sega doing? Selling tickets?" SARA: See that, Sonic? It's called the fourth wall. You stay on one side, we stay on the other. SAMANTHA: Ah yes! The ripping apart of the fourth wall! Now I *know* this is a Gonterman fanfic. SHION: Yes, he's so clever that way. >Tails: "Do you think this is Pippkin coming back to Mobius to >get at Davey, Sonic?" > >Moon: "Pippin? Who's Pippkin?" > >Sonic: " . . . nah, this rabbit looks too air-headed to be >Pippkin. . ." SARA: Watch it Sonic. SAMANTHA: Sonic sure has her character down pat. SARA: You too, Samantha. >Moon: "Humph!" SHION: Wow, Sailor Moon just deflated... >Sonic: ". . . besides, you've dropped your ID. 'Sailor Moon' >isn't it?" SARA: Why would Serena's ID have "Sailor Moon" on it? SHION: This is the same story that has Davy implanting a web site into his arm. >Moon: "yes, I am . . . 'Sailor Moon: The champion of justice, >on behalf of the moon--" SHION: Here is where my sister would ask to be the one... 'punished'. >Sonic: "Which one, Sailor Moon? We have four on Mobius." SARA: IT'S EARTH'S MOON, YOU STUPID PIECE OF BOT BAIT!!! SHION: Touchy... >Tails: "Yeah, and shouldn't it be Moon Sailor? It's better >grammar." SAMANTHA: I... they're... I mean... they just... SARA: Don't think about it. Your head will explode. Besides, Tails is FIVE. He doesn't know grammar. >Moon groans with one of her trademark huge drops of sweat going >down the back of her head. SAMANTHA: Why the heck did I ever agree to this fanfic? SHION: How did *I* ever get roped into this disaster? >Sonic: " Well, as long as you're here, I might as well >show you around, let's bail, Tails . . . " SAMANTHA: Right behind ya! SARA: Oh no you don't. We *all* have to suffer through this. >_________________________________________________________ >__________________ >Well, what do you think? SAMANTHA: It sucked. Next? >Want a Sailor Moon/Sonic the Hedgehog >crossover? SHION: NO!!! >Write to me at dgonterman@aol.com! SHION: We did, you never wrote back. SAMANTHA: Oh great, he's treatening us. >Also stay tuned to Part 11, where The Scouts arrive to Cross >World City, and the game really heats up. SARA: I can hardly wait. SAMANTHA: It's a shame that his computer can't heat up and explode. SHION: We can always hope. >Return to the FoxFire Studios web site at >http://users.aol.com/dgonterman where the BAM storyline takes a >major turn outside of Knothole. SAMANTHA: You mean it'll end? SHION: I doubt it. SAMANTHA: Dammit! >David Kintobor's transformation >into a red fox is complete by now, SAMANTHA: And hunting season is open! SHION: Ahh... pronoun trouble. Shoot him now! Shoot him now!! MAGIC VOICE: Getting a little obscure? >and he is about to go on a >aroung the world search for the keys to finishing off Robotnik's >reign once and for all. SAMANTHA: Well, he could push the off button. SHION: Or pull the plug. >Also, find out how Sonia turns into The >Highlander(ess), SAMANTHA: I... I'm just too sick of this! SHION : Not again... >the burden of being a tyrant is passed from >father to son as the father passes on, and the Death of the most >ruthless android in the galaxy, and this ain't no Marvel >Temporary Death as well. In this one, Dead will ready do mean >*Dead*! SAMANTHA: yeah right! Like that ever happens in Marvel. SARA: Like Dead was Dead for Zoicite? SHION: I don't think anyone really dies in these stories, they just get pasted to the clipboard. >David Gonterman. SAMANTHA: Who ranks up there with Oscar on the sickness scale. SARA: Who is almost synonymous with Stephen Ratliff, only much worse. SHION: Who should really grow up and climb out of his hole. MAGIC VOICE: And now it is time to offer your C & C. SAMANTHA: Comments and critisisms? I thought we already did that? SHION: Well in this case we give a well thought out explanation as to why the story sucks. SAMANTHA: Ah! Well the rants on homosexuality really got to me in that they were nothing more then a repeat of what David had said in Chapter 9. And then there's the whole fog of plairism that hangs over the entire chapter. SHION: Right and... and... aw hell with it. I already said my piece when we did Chapters 6 and 9. I'm leaving. SARA: Good plan. SAMANTHA: Same here. MAGIC VOICE: But... SHION: Stow it, Magic Voice! MAGIC VOICE: Yes'm. \ / \ / -- O -- FFIIIIISSHHHH / \ / \ MAGIC VOICE: Uh... well... I think that's all for us on this series. I beleive the Fauth brothers will be handling Chapter 11. "American Kitsune" written by David Gonterman. No copyright infringement indended by this MSTing, which is for amusement purposes only. Samantha Jones (c) 1997 Jamie Jeans Sara Torretta (c) 1997 Marker Berger Shion Nys (c) 1997 Michael Surbrook MSTed by Jamie Jeans xwing@uniserve.com http://users.uniserve.com/~xwing Mark Berger temjin_blue@hotmail.com (summer) mberger8837@vax2.winona.msus.edu (school year) Visit The Anime Experience! A Fuzion System/Mekton and Sailormoon source at http://www.geocities.com/Area51/6661/index.html Michael Surbrook susano@otd.com Visit Surbrook's Stuff! A Hero System/Champions source (especially for anime and manga material) at http://www.otd.com/~susano/index.html >In this one, Dead will ready do mean *Dead*!