[SCENE: A dimly lit room. There is a large plush couch, a big screen TV and a VCR. We see Ling Ling, Marta, Noriko and Shion sitting on the couch looking thoughtful.] LING LING: Hmmm... 'best'? SHION: Best as in technically or best as in personal favorite? MARTA: Either. NORIKO: Does it have to be a Hong Kong movie? MARTA: No. NORIKO: Right. The bokken duel in "Sword of Doom". LING LING: Really? NORIKO: Yes. Second, the duel between Toshiro Mifune and some nameless actor at the end of "Sanjuro"... Third... SHION: "Yojimbo"? NORIKO: Hmmm... actually, I was thinking the sword duel from beginning of "Seven Samurai". SHION: You have to be kidding. Actually, I liked the Toshiro Mifune fight from "Rashamon", where Toshiro and the samurai chase each other though the woods. NORIKO: Wait! I've got it! Toshiro's spear duel in the middle of "The Hidden Fortress". LING LING: Is it just me, or does Noriko have the hots for Toshiro Mifune? MARTA: Like you should talk, Ms. 'Chow Yun-Fat'. LING LING: Bite me. MARTA: Later, I promise. SHION: Ahem. The final fight in "Dragons Forever", the final fight in "Wheels on Meals", and "Fist of Legend". MARTA: Which part of "Fist?" SHION: All of it. LING LING: Oh yeah... Jet Li! MARTA : I agree on the final fight in "Dragons", I also like the climatic fight scene in "Police Story"... LING LING: Which Police Story? MARTA: One. ...and "Drunken Master II". LING LING: Ken Lo!!! Ken Lo is the man! NORIKO: Time to add another name to the list. SHION: Oops... I forgot that one... LING LING: Anyone else here think that Ken Lo would make the perfect Clark Kent if someone ever decided to do a Chinese Superman? ALL: Yup. NORIKO: All right Ling Ling, let's hear it. LING LING : Best fight? Well... "Dragons Forever", "Wheels on Meals", "Drunken Master II", "Fist of Legend", "Once Upon a Time in America and China"... the final fight in that one. "Police Story 1" and "Supercop", especially the first fight in the training hall and the final fight on the train. Michelle Khan's fights in "Royal Warriors"... Chow Yun-Fat vs the gang of thugs early in "Full Contact"... uh... MARTA: That's enough... SHION: I... uh... I think we get the picture. LING LING: But I wasn't finished! NORIKO: You are now. MAGIC VOICE: We have movie sign. LING LING : Any way, there's the opening gunfight in "Hard Boiled" and the gunfight in the church in "The Killer" and Ti Lung and Chown Yun-Fat in the end of "City War" and... NORIKO: Now? MAGIC VOICE: Yes. Today's feature is "American Kitsune Part 9" SHION: Yes, you had mentioned that. Well, let's get going. MAGIC VOICE: Right, but before I do, I'd like to make one request. NORIKO: That is? MAGIC VOICE: That when speaking about the main character of the story, you call him 'David', or something similar. When referring to the writer, use 'Gonterman'. MARTA : Not a problem. MAGIC VOICE: Just asking. [The TV turns on] AMERICAN KITSUNE 9 MiSTed by Michael Surbrook with Noriko Kobayashi, Ling Ling Li, Marta Nys and Shion Nys > FoxFire Universe Presents: SHION: More mindless drivel. NORIKO: Starting early I see. > Sailor Moon: American Kitsune > Part 9 LING LING: Will this never end? MARTA: Are you kidding? Have you seen his web site? > By David Gonterman MARTA: Who is not trying to push any sort of political agenda.. really. SHION: Remember, kids -- he's not a Nazi, he just looks like one. > Sailor Moon by Toei Amination NORIKO: Who should do the world a favor and take back the series. >_________________________________________________________ >____________ SHION: Some one's having trouble with the HR command I see. > We've finally able to regain our connection with Sailor Moon: MARTA: What? Gonterman lost internet access? NORIKO: You wish... > American Kitsune, after they fired an awesome blast with their > own Power Blaster, created with the help of their newest > acquisition and former Power Ranger, David "FoxFire" Kintobor. SHION: Who is possibly more egotistical and obnoxious than Marissa Flores Picard. > it appears that the collective energies released had temporarily > scrambled all transmission as it reduced the Giant-sized Zoicite > to nothing more than his HIV infection. MARTA : W-H-A-T!!! LING LING: Uh... SHION: YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING!!! NORIKO: Oh this is going to be bad, I just know it. > CUT TO NEGAVERSE: SHION: Why couldn't that say 'cut here'? LING LING: Stately Wayne Manor! MARTA: HIV infection? > In the background, Malachite can be heard bawling his guts out, > swearing that he'll kill FoxFire for what he did to his lover. MARTA: ... LING LING: Uh... Marta? MARTA: Don't worry Ling Ling, I'll make sure Davey-boy never gets the chance to hurt you. SHION: Oh, and Dave? Mess with my sister and I'm coming for *you*! NORIKO: I guess that answers the question about Gonterman's opinion of homosexuals. LING LING: How about we just forget it and move on? > Queen Beryl: "You're ain't kidding, Buster. LING LING: Buster? Who's Buster? NORIKO: Remember, Gonterman tosses names around like Ross Perot shows charts. > This guy's beside himself with grief over there. > Wailing away like Sailor Moon, > shameful. I have greatly underestimated FoxFire. And now that > this Rouge Power Ranger's ALL: NORIKO: Do you suppose Gonterman knows he just made himself the 'red' Ranger? LING LING: No, no, that's the *Rouge* Ranger... the one right next to the Lipstick Ranger and the Powderpuff Ranger. > now with the Sailor Scouts . . . eh? MARTA: Probably so he can sleep with all of them. NORIKO: Been done. LING LING : Oh, must be like the Royal Canajun Sailor Scouts, eh? > David Kintobor's resume? SHION : "Now it says here that you do...'everything'. Could you be a bit more specific, Mr. Kintobor?" NORIKO : "I'm sorry, but you're overqualified." LING LING : "For what?" NORIKO : "Anything." > Thanks, Jadeite. . . mmm, let's see. > Former Alias-- SHION: I'm Batman! MARTA: Don't give him any ideas. > I knew that . . . Former Occupation; SHION: Fascist and professional annoyance. MARTA: No, he said 'former'. NORIKO: Based on some of his previous stories, I'd change that to sociopath. LING LING: Psychopath. NORIKO: That too. > Power Ranger . . . MARTA: He was the pink one, right? > I knew that . . . Mobius? . . . SHION: Silent Moibus? NORIKO: Wrong! > [Eyes grow *wide*] . . . MARTA : "How did he get *into* that position?" SHION : "My God, is that a *chicken?*" LING LING : "No, no, it's just the way he's holding the feather duster, see?" NORIKO: I don't know any of you. > I *didn't* know this?!?! SHION: He's a former member of Hammer's Slammers? MARTA: And the X-men? LING LING: And the Organized Crime and Triad Bureau? NORIKO: And Section 9? > Are you serious, Jadeite?" MARTA: "I thought there were only *two* sexes!" NORIKO: Let's not bring Oscar into this. > "Yes, Queen Beryl. That tyrant *is* David Kintobor's father. SHION : Luke, I *am* your father. > And in a way, Sailor Moon's as well." SHION: Hey... MARTA: Are they trying to imply that Sailor Moon and David are related? NORIKO: I believe that is the case, yes. LING LING: But, didn't Jamie tell us David had sex with Sailor Moon? SHION : Y-e-s... MARTA: You're not going to rant, are you? SHION: Not yet. > "Mmmmm." Beryl shows her wicked smile. "This may prove > interesting. We've got things to do, Jadeite." > "Yes, my Queen." > ______________________________________ SHION: Still having trouble with the HR command? > WE RETURN TO THE SCOUTS AS THEY MOP IT UP IN DENVER: MARTA: Looks like the Broncos have lost another Superbowl. > FoxFire: "EAT DIRT, NEGA-SCUM!!! BWA-HA-HA-HA-HA!! ALL VILE > YOMAS FROM THE PIT OF HELL SHALL TASTE MY LIQUID DEADLY BLASTS > OF JUSTICE!!! MARTA: 'Liquid deadly blasts'? SHION: Go ahead, say it. MARTA: Nope, even I'm not *that* tasteless. LING LING: Hey, if those are 'liquid deadly blasts of justice', why do they taste so salty? EVERYONE ELSE: LING LING!!! LING LING : What? > BWA-HA-HA-HA-HA!!!!" (This, of course, was said > under automatic fire) NORIKO: Oh, of course. MARTA: Soo... Dave's laughing while getting shot at? > The scouts look on in disbelief as their US Liaison is shooting > indiscriminately into 25 Putties. MARTA: Wow, this is sorta like a John Woo film. LING LING: No way, if this was a John Woo film it would have to have a slow motion gunfight in a church. NORIKO: With white doves flying around. SHION: And Chow Yun-Fat. > Mars: "All right, Serena? Where's you get this guy?" MARTA: Out of a cereal box, where else? SHION : It's not my fault, he's a self-insertion character! > Venus: "Yeah, I was expecting Jason David Frank--" LING LING: The man with three first names! > Mercury: "--And we've got Earthworm Jim!!" LING LING: I'd rather have Johnny Bravo, myself. > Jupiter: "Who cares?? He's cool, and he's cute!" NORIKO: Sailor Jupiter must be blind and deaf, I guess. > Moon: "And he's also not leaving any for us!! MARTA: Mooooom!!! David won't share! >DAVID, SHARE THE CLAYBRAINS!!" MARTA: Hey! Leggo my Eggo! SHION: I think Davey-kins has the corner on clay brains. LING LING: She was talking about the monsters. SHION: I wasn't. > Luna: "He may have to," she speaks into her Visor Com; > all the scouts have one by now. "FoxFire, leave the putties to > Mars and scout ahead; I just spotted two bigger fish to fry." SHION: Knowing Gonterman, it's going to be Barney Frank and Nelson Mandela. > FoxFire: "Will do--always wanted to do this move--TAIL SPIN!!" > Foxie spins his twin tails and takes off into the air a la Miles > Prower, MARTA: When did he get two tails? NORIKO: Well, technically, as a kitsune he should have nine. SHION: He should also be white and female, but who's counting? LING LING: Who's Miles Prower? > as Sailor Mars flips into where he was standing. "You > suck, so I'll set you on fire, cuz fire's cool MARTA: Oh yeah! "C'mon baby light my fire!" LING LING : Yeah, fire! Fire! Fire! > --BURNING MANDALLA!!" NORIKO: That's 'mandala' Gonterman! > (Note to detail sticklers: in American Kitsune, the > scouts can use either version of their attacks; it means the same > thing anyway...someone'll mention this later.) SHION: What is he talking about? NORIKO: I think he's referring to the fact that the Senshi have slightly different names and attacks in the English-dubbed version. MARTA: Considering everything else he's done different, why is he making an issue of it now? SHION: Can anyone really tell how Gonterman thinks? LING LING: Good point. > As Mars does her special move, she spins around as the fire rings > fly. The result is 25 ceramic statues and a 50-meter radius of > charred Colorado. SHION: Dammit, I said medium *rare* Colorado! > "Nice going, Bevis . . . you've got the stragglers, Foxie." NORIKO: That's 'Beavis'! > "Sure do, Rabbit. I'm pipping my feed into your visors--" NORIKO: 'Piping'! SHION: Give it up. > "YAAAAAAH!! A SKELETON!! CREEPY!!" ALL : Agghh... my ears... > "That's Rito Repulssa, Ladies; Rita's younger brother. And that > ape dork by him's Goldar, Zeddie's right hand monkey. They are > bad, they are evil, I must kick their asses off--POWER DIVE!!" MARTA: Oh, look! Dave's going to spank the monkey! ALL: > Jupiter: "You hit 'em high, Foxie--" > Venus: "And we'll hit them low--BANZAI!!!" > ___________________________________________ LING LING: Is it just me, or are these lines getting shorter? MARTA: Maybe it's a fuse? SHION: *My* fuse. > "Hey Goldar. I never knew that these Sailor Babes have a power > blaster, much less one that can take out communications from all > of Colorado." > "Rito, you idiot. They didn't have one until that Renegade > Ranger Kintobor joined up with them. Now we've gotta find out > what they left of Beryl's operations in Denver." MARTA: Goldar and Rito star in "Things to do in Denver Before You're Dead". LING LING: You saved that one from Part 6, didn't you? > "You mean this?" MARTA : This man, this THING! > "Who said that?" ALL : She did! > "I think it's that cute chick in the miniskirt," Rito said while > drooling. MARTA: Where? > "Sailor Jupiter! What in Haim Saban's name did you do to > Zoicite?" LING LING: Who? NORIKO: Saban, the man who brought America the Power Rangers and 'sending people to another dimension'. MARTA: Right! Kill him! > "Yeah, can could you bend over so I can look under your dress?" MARTA: Ooh... I'm into that! SHION : Will you cut that out? > "Only if you do the same so I can aim this right. ALL: Uh... > ALL: MARTA: I've never heard it called *that* before! > SUPREME THUNDER and collects around her> CRASH!!" LING LING: Oh, shocking. ALL: > The lightning is thrown at Rito, which sends him back for a loss > of twenty yards. MARTA : That's a 15 yard penalty, unnecessary roughness... he was given' 'im the business! > While Jupiter was in the middle of this sack, LING LING: With who? > Goldar finds Sailor Venus charges at her with sword in hand. SHION: Uh... what? NORIKO: The individual words make sense, but... > "Leave it to a man to mistake his weapons for his privates." MARTA: Yeah, stop thinking with your d--- SHION : That's enough. > "Huh?" NORIKO: Goldar must be commenting on the script. > While Goldar was distracted by Venus' reciting Catwoman, she > fires off a Crescent Beam at him. The laser light deposits the > ape man on top of Rito. > > "All right, Foxie-kun, there all lined up in a newt row for NORIKO: Foxie-kun? This is getting nauseating. LING LING: Newt? MARTA: Newt Gingrich? SHION: Nuck Fewt! > ya--sic 'em kit!" LING LING: Who's 'kit'? NORIKO: Yet another endearing euphemism for 'David Kintobor'. > Five seconds later, a two-tailed fox at about 5-foot-100, SHION: Five foot one-hundred? > 250 lbs. drops out of the sky and lands on top of the pile of space MARTA: Okay, if we presume that was 5'10"; at 250 lbs, Dave-boy is going to be looking *pretty* chunky. LING LING : I'm festively plump! SHION: He's just big-boned. LING LING : That's what I keep tellin' 'em! > aliens a la Yokosuma. NORIKO: Sounds more like E. Honda to me. > Venus does the three count while Jupiter > yells "Go to your room!" at the two victim's ears. SHION: Oh *that's* telling them! NORIKO: She just hasn't been the same since fighting Godzilla. >_________________________________________________________>_ SHION: Okay, this line nonsense has *got* to go! > When the rest of the scouts show up, the Rito and Goldar were > hogtied by Venus' Love Me Chain. MARTA: Whoa! We've slipped into a BDSM fic! > Jupiter: All right, ape man. Talk! LING LING: Ook, ook! > What's Rita and Zedd doing > with Beryl? MARTA: Zedd? SHION : Zed's dead baby. Zed's dead. > Goldar: Eat $#!* and die, Sailor &!*¢#!! MARTA: Gimme a !! ALL: !! MARTA: Gimme a @! ALL: @! MARTA: Gimme a ¢! ALL: ¢! MARTA: Gimme a &! ALL: &! MARTA: What's that spell? ALL: FISH! MARTA: What's that spell? ALL: FISH! MARTA: What's that spell? ALL: FISH! LING LING: Do you suppose anyone will get that? > FoxFire: I'm more interested in finding out who's this Zitkor > guy and *his* involvement in all this. You see this, dickweed? MARTA: "Sure, I see this dickweed. Oh, wait, you meant what's in the bag?" > sphere the size of a mangled golf ball> This is the HIV Virus I > reduced Zoey to and look, ALL: NORIKO: Exactly what is Dave talking about? LING LING: How do you reduce someone to an HIV virus? SHION : I'd like to reduce *him* to a black ugly sphere the size of a mangled golf ball! MARTA: And the worst part is that Gonterman probably thinks this is funny, or cool, or both. > even *this* has 'Zitkor' engraved on it! > Rito: Maybe Zitkor made that virus. LING LING: I ... uh... never mind. > Goldar: Will you shut up you fool!! Do you want every gay man > on the Net coming after your @$$? NORIKO: Juvenile! That's the word I've been looking for! MARTA: Based on what we've seen so far, Rito doesn't have anything to worry about, it's Dave that will be catching all the heat. > Rito: But the Freemen said that . . . SHION: Oh good, now he's going to bring a Montana milita into the argument... > Sailor Moon: I don't think they're talking, Foxie. NORIKO: Well, they are, but not to you. > FoxFire: They don't have to: DATA SPEAR!! > The cable snakes out and splits the head into headset mode. It > latches onto Rito, which causes him to nearly convulse himself > into just a pile of bones. > > Goldar: What the heck are you doing to him? MARTA: Mind rape. NORIKO: Off hand? I'd say violating his civil rights. SHION: Like you ever cared about those before? > FoxFire: This. LING LING: Thanks for clearing that up. > When the Spear is done with Rito, Foxie turns it on Goldar. The > effect is like having Lum deliver 10,000 volts directly on his > frontal lobes. NORIKO: -- or reading one Gonterman fanfic. MARTA: Except Lum is *way* cuter than Davey-boy here. > After the Spear was through, both space aliens were left in the > heap they were convulsing in while FoxFire was describing what > he'd done for the Scouts: "I quite literally picked their brains > clean. SHION: He has that effect on people. > I sucked MARTA: -- and still do. > every memory that their little brains were able > to hold, so that I can sift them through later to find out LING LING: -- who shot J.R. > if they know anything on Zitkor, Beryl, Rita, Zedd, whatever. MARTA: Zedd? SHION : Zed's dead baby. Zed's dead. > Oh, don't worry about them. They'll won't be a threat to anybody > anymore. I also erased their memory as I went through them. NORIKO: Normally, this is called a 'lobotomy'. LING LING: In this case, it's called a 'gift'. I'd love to have my memory of this bit of tripe erased. >_________________________________________________________ >_____________ SHION: I... aw forget it, I'm out of line jokes. > "Folks," David hunches over the pile of Zitkor evidence, "It's > worse than I expected: Not only is this Zitkor--An unscrupulous > biz suit that does for real what Republicans are falsely accused > of doing; MARTA: Running Congress? SHION: So... Gonterman feels the need to defend the Republican Party. Tells you something, doesn't it? > phrack the environment, phrack old people, phrack sick > kids, NORIKO : I'd like to phrack him... > connected with our short list of arch-villains, he himself > *is* an arch-villain. LING LING: "See? It's right here on his business card." > Zitkor is also this overlord named > Grimlord from some other dimension run by machines." MARTA : A planet where apes evolved from men? > "Kinda like Robotnik's sick dream gone amuck . . .oops." LING LING: Or Dave's come true. > Minako was taken back of that remark she made of David's father. > She looked with open-eyed remorse at David. "I'm sorry, I didn't > know . . ." > > "It's alright. I made peace with what my father is a long time > ago. That's why it took seventy-plus years on Mobius. It took SHION: Come again? NORIKO: Seventy years? MARTA: Exactly how old is D-boy here supposed to be, anyway? > me so long to do so. Anyway, This Grimlord's in on the action > too, which just makes things that much more difficult for us." SHION: Yeah, it's probably going to take an extra Phase or two for me... uh... I mean us, to win this fight. > "And that's not all, David," Minerva appeared with Edward, > Jason, Trini, and Zack. MARTA: The Bay City Rollers! >None of them are very happy. LING LING: We're in a Gonterman fanfic! Agghhh!!! > "Newsflash: Coming up next: More bad news. NORIKO: There's a Part 10 to follow! > Out with it." MARTA: LING LING: "Face it, Flounder. You threw up *on* Dean Wormer!" > "Well, we were able to verify the position of the Power Rangers > Command Center, but I'm unable to verify the existence of the > Power Rangers Command Center." MARTA: Mainly because *someone* wouldn't pull over and ask directions! > "What do you mean, Jason." MARTA: Well, let's not start naming names. > "It's gone, Davey," Zack answered. "It's been destroyed." NORIKO : "Like a million voices suddenly cried out, and were suddenly silenced..." > An exterior view showing the floating island that the Command > Center was supposed to be was shown. ALL: Uh... uh... what? SHION: Does this story come eith sub-titles? LING LING: Oh great, I can see it now: "Beware, your bones are going to be disconnected!" > Serena: "Uh, is there something in this picture we're not > supposed to see?" MARTA: Probably Dave naked. NORIKO: Oh, thank you for that wonderful mental picture. > David: "Correction, Sister, There's not something we *are* > supposed to see, but see that pit there. *That's* supposed to be > the Power Rangers Command Center." LING LING: Looks like the construction company is behind schedule. > Zack: "It's completely destroyed, and we can't contact the > Rangers." > Trini: "For all I know, they could be all d--" LING LING: drunk? MARTA: discombobulated? SHION: declasse'? NORIKO: declassified? LING LING: defenestrated? SHION: defective? NORIKO: disfigured? LING LING: deflowered? MARTA: dick--- MAGIC VOICE: STOP!!! > Jason: "Don't *say* that, Trini. I know Tommy. SHION: Tommy is a friend of mine. And you, Senator, are no Tommy! > I'm sure they all are all right. We just gotta find them. > They might need our help." NORIKO: Make up your mind. Are they all right, or do you have to help them? > David: "Correction, Jason. They *will* need your help. Get > your butts over to Angel Grove pronto." SHION : You seem to have forgotten who's writing this story. > Edward: "I can take them there on the Calypso." > David: "Okay then, Ed. Scouts, Tux, follow me to my car. I've > got work to do." NORIKO: Notice the lack of the word 'we'? >_________________________________________________________ >_________ > David opens up his larger on the inside Lamboghini; actually a NORIKO: That's Lamborghini, Gonterman! > Tardis reduced to the state of an Italian sports car with the > room of a mobile home, LING LING: I just thought of something... Dave is a cyborg, a Power Ranger, has a Power Rifle that can vaporize a city block, can turn into a giant-sized fox, has a Klingon Bird of Prey on call, a hoverbike, Christine the killer car, a Tardis... why does he need the Senshi around? NORIKO: Because he's also a Republican. SHION : Easy, to stroke his ego. MARTA: Hell, considering the size of his Ego, they probably carry it for him. > as he instructs that "We're going to Cross World City NORIKO: Now *that* has to be a made up name. SHION: I'd rather they went to Mid-World City myself; Roland would cut Dave down a peg or two. > by car to avoid detection. There's the place where > Zitkor, a.k.a. Grimlord, hold his world headquarters. NORIKO: Hold it how? > It is also > the home of his arch-rivals: The V.R. Troopers. [David shows > the Troopers on his Hologram Projector in his robot hand.] LING LING: "Answer hazy - ask again later." > I don't think we'll have any trouble enlisting their help on our > quest to defeat Beryl and Company. NORIKO: Especially since I've written it into their contacts. > Darien: "And what a company she's keeping. Queen Beryl, Rita > Repulssa, Lord Zed, MARTA: Zedd? SHION : Zed's dead baby. Zed's dead. > and Grimlord too?" MARTA: Grimjack? SHION: The coolest man to *ever* appear in a comic book! > Lita: "There's a sick plot from a Batman episode in this." LING LING: Are you kidding? This *is* a Batman episode. NORIKO: Batman has more class. > Amy: "We *will* need all the help we can get." LING LING: Why? You've got Davey there. > David goes to a side panel, and with a "and I whole-heartedly > agree" opens it to reveal: > Raye: "Whoa, look at this!" SHION: Dave's going to get a life! > Minako: "What are they?" MARTA: "Um, those are personal... I meant the other stuff." > Lita: "Hey, those are morphers!!" MARTA: That's a funny name for a sexual aid... > Ami: "And power coins with *our* marks!" NORIKO: Hmm... looks like they all got a D-. > Serena: "David-kun, are these for us?!" LING LING: Uh... no, those are for uh... some 'friends' if you know what I mean. > David: "Hai, Sister. SHION: Kill me. > Luna, Artemis, and myself worked all night > with stuff I scrounged up from surplus Power Ranger stuff, and > created your very own Morphing Grid in tune to your planetary > powers; they *are* compatible with Power Ranger technology. LING LING: Translation: we're putting out a new line of action figures. > With > these new add-ons to your suits, your effectiveness with your > attacks, especially those involving stuff like fireballs, > lightning bolts, and various hearts, will be greatly enhanced-- NORIKO: Translation: I've installed Windows 98. > don't sweat it, Penguin boy, we're fixing one up for you too." > > Darien: "Penguin boy, eh? Do you got any Bud Ice in here? doo > be doo be doo . . ." SHION: Sapporo for me! MARTA: Bass! LING LING: Tsing Tao! NORIKO: Kirin! SHION: Oh, and Mario Lemieux would like a word with you, Davey-kins. > David rolls his eyes. "How can you stand this guy, ladies? SHION: I dunno, they're putting up with you easily enough. NORIKO: Only because Gonterman's writing them that way. > You'll also find out that your suits double as armor, and all of LING LING: Considering the size of their outfits, all I have to say is 'what armor'? > you have VR-style 'Enhanced Imaging' that puts any one of you up > at par with a full team of Rangers. Your powers can also take a > new form of weapons as well, much like the Rangers. Serena, you > can summon a Moon Sword. Amy, you have Mercury Daggers. Raye, > the Mars Lance is your weapon. Lita has a Jupiter Axe. And you > Minako can summon a Venus Bow." SHION: "I, of course, can do all of that while juggling with the other hand." NORIKO: A thought just struck me... why is he using a mixture of English and Japanese names? I mean, that should be Usagi, Ami, Rei, Matoko and Minako. LING LING: Gonterman's writing himself as an American who can transform into a Chinese fox-sprit and you're worried about his naming conventions? NORIKO: Kitsune are Japanese I'll have you know. LING LING: We've got stories of them in China, too. MARTA: Stop! > Minako: "Domo Arigato. SHION: Mr. Roboto... > And we all suppose that these weapons can make a Power Blaster?" LING LING: Naturally. SHION: Isn't he the pitcher? MAGIC VOICE: No, that's Tomorrow. MARTA: Who? SHION: No, Who's on first! NORIKO : What are they talking about? > David: "Of course, and they can also be argumented with my Power > Rifle. I just insert it in it's proper place, and we'll have the > Ultra Blaster, which is just like what we threw at Zoey last > night." NORIKO: This, I take it, is the device that melts people down into HIV viruses? MARTA: Let's just drop that, shall we? > Serena: "Kewl." LING LING: Die, Serena. > Amy: "Do we have Zords too?" > David: Unfortunately no, but I *am* trying to get the next best > thing." SHION : Hey Rabbit! Watch me pull a plot contrivance out of my ass! MARTA : Again? That trick never works! > David reaches for a communicator and contacts the Calypso: "Hey, > Edward, you made that call yet?" LING LING: Who ya gonna call? >_________________________________________________________ >_____________ > "I'm just getting on that right now," Edward reached for the > phone: LING LING : All lines are busy, please hang up and try again. > "Operator, please connect me to the Banzai Institute for > Biomedical Engineering and Strategic Information....Thank you." SHION: He didn't... MARTA: He did... NORIKO: Has Gonterman no shame? LING LING: You have to ask? > "Hello?...Hey! New Jersey! How are ya, guy? MARTA : I told you never to call me here! Uh... uh... prank call! Prank call! > It's Legion.... > Yeah, I'm back. Been a while since the Federated Commonwealth. How's > Major Steiner and his Sommerset Strikers? NORIKO: Dead. > Good. > Is Buckaroo available? I got a problem. A big one. Okay, I'll hold...." SHION: Call the Kolodny Brothers... MARTA: Call the Rug Suckers! > "Hi, Doc! LING LING: Okay, I'll hold... > It's good to hear from you, too. I hate to impose, but we > got a problem at this end. LING LING: Okay, I'll hold... > The Negaverse... Yeah, Beryl's shown > up here, finally. Looks like she's joined forces with Repulsaa and Zed, MARTA: Zedd? SHION : Zed's dead baby. Zed's dead. > to boot... Yeah, I thought I'd quit, too. No, I don't really want to, > but what choice do I have? We've got people depending on us. > Anyway, my friend Dave tells me all of the Power Rangers' > Zords are down, thanks to their interference. LING LING: Okay, I'll hold... > So I need some battlemechs. Can you get me five CRK 5003-1s?... > Good! And we'll need all the upgrades we can get. Double heat sinks, > XL class engines, Extended range lasers, MARTA: Leather bucket seats, AC, 5-speed, Stereo with CD, tinted windows... > the whole shmere... You can?! Thanks, Doc. I can really use the help. > It looks like it's gonna hit the fan here. SHION: And it will not be spread evenly. > Just ship 'em to my Closet of Doom, ok?... LING LING: Gee, that means that Dave's... out of the closet, hmm? > No, Dave says he's got a way to get 'em through the door. NORIKO: Of course he does... > And that makes the Closet the fastest way to get 'em here. > Oh! Before I forget, did you ever get a handle on that Enhanced Imaging > trick the Clans used?... You did? All right! Throw that in too, > along with a Virtual Reality cockpit for four of the CRKs, and a > cyberlink for the fifth... Why? Well, Dave's nickname is Crockett LING LING: What about Tubbs? MARTA : What happened to 'okay I'll hold'? > and he has a cyborg arm with a built-in HUD and a cyberjack cable. > So he gets the fifth CRK." SHION: What the hell does *that* have to do with David's nickname being 'Crockett'? > "Take care, Buckaroo. Call ya after the battle, ok? OH! > and one more thing: Can you make David's Crockett a two seater? SHION: And do you know why Davey needs a two seater? NORIKO: Why? SHION: One seat for him and one seat for his ego! MARTA: SLAM!!! > He's gonna be carrying a passenger. NORIKO: Yeah, he's on a first-name basis with his Ego. > Thanks. I'll let you know how it turns out. Fortuna bless, Doc." MARTA: Bib Fortuna? > Ed hung up the phone. > "Okay, Davey. I just got us some heavy firepower. I just hope it's > enough. I haven't fought giant monsters in years. Not since I made it back > to _this_ universe, anyway. I'm not up on what we need to beat 'em. Guess > I'm still a little rusty at the superheroing business." MARTA: These guys are *superheroes*? SHION: Well... they probably think this is an Image or Valiant book. >_________________________________________________________ >_____________ > Raye: So you're riding shotgun with Davey-san's Mech, Serena? LING LING: I thought Dave's Mech was called 'Crockett'? MARTA : Smart ass. > Serena: Well, like they say; two heads are better than one. MARTA: I... err... uh... SHION : Yesss? MARTA: Never mind... > Raye: Yeah, but with you and your brother, they'll make for one > brain, all right. NORIKO: Brain and brain? What is brain? > Serena: Hey!! Be nice with my David! Besides, he wouldn't want > *you* in his Mech, you'd overheat it just by sitting in your > seat. MARTA: Well, I've seen pics of Rei, she can over heat me any time she wants. LING LING: You've been reading "Grunge: The Movie" again, haven't you? > Raye: At least I'll be sitting in *my* seat, rather then heating > things up with him in *his* seat! NORIKO: Ahem... hasn't it been established that Serena and David are related? SHION: Yes, but this is Gonterman writing, you see. Pornography is what *other* people write, his stories, on the other hand, are wholesome, fun, family fare. LING LING: Lives in a world all is own... > Serena: At least it'll be with *him*, and not by anybody who > walks in off the street!! SHION : Hmm... I'd swear she was talking about you. MARTA: Hardee harhar. > Raye: EXCUSE ME, I'M . . . SHION: Getting out of this bad fanfic? MARTA: Fat chance. LING LING: Going to turn down the volume I hope. > David: Do they always go at it like this? MARTA: Oh, no. Sometimes they just cut to the chase and have a massive lesbian orgy. LING LING: Just how many of these have you read? MARTA: Well... I've heard rumors. > Darien: I'm afraid so. Welcome to the Sailor Scouts, David > Kintobor. Hope you survive the experience. heh heh heh. > David: Oh, I think I'm doing very well here. In fact I might be > doing more in two weeks than you did two years. NORIKO: Well of course you are. You're the self-insertion character. All self-insertion characters are automatically smarter, stronger, better-looking and all-around more powerful than any original series character. I'm surprised its taken nine chapters for David to resolve the situation, all things considered. > Darien: What makes you say that, Rookie?! I've been here since > "A Moon Star is Born;" Only your kid sister can say that! LING LING: A what is born? MARTA: Skip it. SHION: Kid sister... yuck, why does he have to keep bringing that up? > David: And what have you been doing all that time? NORIKO: Trying to score with Serena. MARTA: What? I thought you didn't watch this? NORIKO : Like I said, it's all over Japan, you pick up a litle here and there. > You come in, throw a rose, say a bit of advice and leave? LING LING: As opposed to David, who comes in, sprays gunfire and insults everyone. > And in between your > fifteen seconds of fame, you make fun of my kid sister's hairdo?! SHION: Again with the kid sister! > Darien: I can't help it! She's got meatballs not only on her > head, but *in* it as well! That's why I call her 'Meatball > Head!' MARTA: Meat... ball... head... SHION: Don't even try it. MARTA: What? Try what? SHION: What ever you were going to say. I *know* how your mind works. > David: That's '*Ms* Meatball Head' to you, Flower Boy!! NORIKO: Showing your true mental age, David? > Darien: Make me, Brushy Butt!! LING LING: Does this mean Dave has a hairy ass? EVERYONE ELSE: > Lita: LET'S GET IT ON!! MARTA: FOOOOD FIGHT!!! > The two guys so at it right there. NORIKO: 'So at' what? Use complete sentences Gonterman! > Minako: That was downright nasty of you, Lita. Break it up, you > two. Gentlemen shouldn't fight. SHION: Yes... but I don't see any fighting right now. > Artemis: Who's calling FoxFire a gentlemen? ALL: NOT US!!! > Luna: Don't be too hasty on your judgement, my friend. True, > the phrase "Redneck Gentleman" might be a contradiction of words, > but David Kintobor's the closest one to just that. MARTA: Do you suppose Gonterman finds writing this therapeutic, or is this just some sort of sick fantasy? NORIKO: Do you really want to hear an honest answer to that question? > Serena: Raye, what's wrong, you look like you're about to-- > Serena was about to say 'cry,' because at this point, that's what > Raye did. At full blast. > "WWWWWHHHAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!! ALL: > They're fighting over Serena! > > I wish they fight over meeeeeEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHH!!!" ALL: NORIKO: Someone turn her off! > Serena: Well, David wouldn't want you, so there! > (Note: An anabe is pulling a lower eyelid gently to show the red > part, accompanied by sticking your tongue out. A Gentle way to > flicking someone off without being offensive or vulgar. Rates a > 2 or a 3 of Mangajin's Politeness scale.) > > Raye goes up to Serena and grabs her by her 'meatballs.' "Let me > tell you this so you'll finally understand: MAGIC VOICE: I recommend you all duck. [SCENE: All four ladies dive behind the couch. Noriko and Shion stand up facing the TV and create Akira-styled psychokinetic walls of force, complete with cracking walls, shattering glass and flying debris.] > Y Y O O U U > Y O O U U > Y O O U U > Y OOO UUU > AAA RRRR EEEEE > A A R R E > AAAAA RRRR EEEEE > A A R R E > A A R R EEEEE > H H IIIII SSS > H H I S > HHHHH I SSS > H H I S > H H IIIII SSS > SSS IIIII SSS TTTTT EEEEE RRRR > S I S T E R R > SSS I SSS T EEEEE RRRR > S I S T E R R , > SSS IIIII SSS T EEEEE R R , > DDDD AAA MMMMM NNN N IIIII TTTTT ! ! > D D A A M M M N N N I T ! ! > D D AAAAA M M M N N N I T ! ! > D D A A M M M N N N I T > DDDD A A M M M N NNN IIIII T ! !" [SCENE: The room is a mess. The walls are shot through with cracks, the ceiling is shattered and the floor is covered with bits and pieces of junk. Amazingly enough, the TV is unharmed.] NORIKO: Amazing, he misspelled 'dammit'... MARTA: Is it safe? LING LING: What was that? SHION: More of Gonterman's unparalleled story-telling technique. NORIKO: Oh, and thanks for the warning Magic Voice. MAGIC VOICE: You're welcome. > Amy: Raye's right I'm afraid. They have laws against going with > your siblings, even long-lost ones. And the horrors that come > out of in-breeding are too terrible to mention. SHION: Just look at how Dave turned out. > Raye: So, one of us must be this guy's date. And that of course > will be me, since *I'm* the most popular Scout in the bunch. > Besides, *I* need someone now that Darien's spoken for thank's to > this Tuxedo Mask mush. MARTA: I'm avaliable! LING LING: You are not! MARTA: Oops... SHION: Way to go, little sister. > Amy: Nonsense. We should let David decide on his own. (Aside:) > Besides, it will easily be me once I program his cyborg half to > follow me around NORIKO: What about the rest of him? > Minako: Well, once he finds out how good I am with small pets, > he'll naturally pick me. (Aside:) Especially when he's a guy > and a dog at the same time. NORIKO: Foxes aren't dogs! > He's two-two-two cute hunks in one LING LING: Oh, I think I'm going to be ill! > Lita: Get Serious! There's one sure way to this yipper's heart, > and that's his stomach!! SHION: Wrong! It's through his ribcage! > By the time that *everybody's* deeply into this heated debate. > David quietly slipped out of Darien's grasp, morphed into full > fox mode, and slipped a Green Day tape into a boom box. That's > got everybody's attention: "Hey, what can I say? Moshing this > good has got to have cool music to go around." LING LING: Since when has Green Day been 'cool music'? SHION: Obviously he meant to say 'Rush'. MARTA: I don't think you can mosh to Rush. NORIKO: I've always felt Koto was good music for getting the adrenaline flowing. > And that got him jumped on by all the other Scouts. SHION: And I bet Dave's just hating life right now. > FoxFire: Oh, punish me, punish me, I've been bad . . . MARTA : Wait! I've been bad! Ling Ling said so! Punish me! LING LING: That does it, you *are* sleeping on the couch tonight! > Luna: All right, everybody. Play time's over. I want that > yipper LING LING: What is a 'yipper'? NORIKO: I presume they mean 'dog', which, as a fox, David is *not*! > cleaned up and ready to drive us over to Cross World City > by the time the next installment starts . . . >_________________________________________________________ >_____________ > CUT TO: BANZAI INSTITUTE FOR BIOMEDICAL ENGINEERING AND > STRATEGIC INFORMATION > Buckaroo Banzai just stood there with his jaw hanging, SHION : How the hell did I end up in this story! > ever since > he heard the name of the guy who'll be flying the fifth Crockett. > Quickly, he searched his data bases for a David Kintobor and > found a CD full of files on him. He pauses for a while to tell > the order guy to make that fifth CRK a two seater. NORIKO: Such riveting action! I can hardly stand it! > The reasons behind this extra feature is made clear when he > placed the CD-ROM in a computer, and a red furred, three-tailed LING LING: Three? He got another one? > fox appeared on the screen. David "FoxFire" Kintobor. Kitsune > from America and Eighth Sailor Scout. LING LING: Eighth? SHION: Don't ask, I really don't care. > Known throughout his home > city of Hiroshima, Japan as one of their better images of the NORIKO: Excuse me? How the hell did David become a Japanese citizen all of a sudden? > American Spirit and as a lethal weapon again anyone who dares NORIKO: And why would someone from Japan be considered an example of an *American* ideal? SHION: Like Ling Ling said, Gonterman lives in a world all his own. > attack innocents in that country. Over 100 lifetime kills before > the Robotech era began, including Queen Beryl, Lord Zedd, Rita MARTA: Zedd? SHION : Zed's dead baby. Zed's dead. NORIKO: Well, he is now. > Repulssa, Genom, Godzilla, Hoppasai, and several others. NORIKO: Genom? LING LING: Godzilla? SHION: Misspelled Happosai again, I see. > Pictures include him with his sister, Serena Tsukino; holding his > adopted goddaughter, Reeny Kintobor, on his shoulders; getting > worshiped by Leona Osaki of the Tank Police NORIKO: Are you kidding? Leona would cut him down to size in no time, just look how she treats the Puma Sisters after they were made cops. > and chewing her out because of it (he's so modest). ALL: SHION: Modest! MODEST! Like hell! NORIKO: The first time I've seen someone spell 'self-centered' that way. > But the last picture of him, sitting in the twin seat cockpit of > his mysterious custom-built Mech, the only one of a set of five > that survived the final battle with Queen Beryl. He could just > barely see the markings of the Mech that it started as: a CRK > 5003-1. > > "Can it be . . . " SHION: What do *you* think, this is Gonterman writing the story. >_________________________________________________________ >____________________ > To be continued: ALL: Aguuuhhhhh! > And just to add a little more time for the Sailor Scouts, I'm SHION: Amazing, Gonterman is going to write about something other than *himself*? > adding in a bonus scene in Installment 10: > NEPHLYTE RETURNS NORIKO: I suppose if we knew who that was, we'd be impressed. > Nuf said! MARTA: Excelsior! > FoxFire Studios MAGIC VOICE: Well ladies, do you wish to offer any sort of comment, or do you want to wait till the end of the series? NORIKO: We might was well wait until the end, since we will probably end up repeating ourselves at this rate. SHION: I agree, especially since what we've seen isn't all that different from Part 6. MAGIC VOICE: How about some mail then? MARTA: Yeah! Bring it on! MAGIC VOICE: Mark Berger writes: >I look at Shion, and I can only think of one character: >Malachite/Kunzite >from Sailor Moon, and the famous line, > >MALACHITE: "Give up, Mercury, you don't stand a chance!" >MERCURY: "Go bleach your roots, creep!" >EVERYBODY makes fun of Malachite's hair: SHION: What! Is he making fun of *my* hair? It's all natural, I'll let you know, no dye jobs here! MARTA: Yup, I can attest that my sister is naturally white-haired. NORIKO: I won't even ask. >MINA: "Hasta la vista, pretty boy!" > >SERENA: ". . . And triumph over bad-bleach-job Nega-trash like you!" MARTA: Uh... do they really talk like that? >Need I say more? SHION : NO!!! >Didn't think so. Well, my morning's work is done. . . SHION: His morning work is pissing me off? NORIKO: Goodness, the high and mighty Empress seems awefully thin skinned. SHION: Stuff it, little seaweed girl. LING LING: Didn't we just see this in the Gonterman fanfic? MAGIC VOICE: Ahem, and he has this to say about "Go, AMP, Go!" >All I can say is. . . MARTA "Give peace a chance!" >EEEEEEWWWWWWW!!!!!! LING LING: Yuck, thanks for reminding us. >You handled that horror story with as much semblance good taste and >decency as was possible. Congratulations. NORIKO: Thanks... I think. SHION : That is one memory I can do without. MAGIC VOICE: Well, see you next time. SHION: What are we watching? MAGIC VOICE: Not Part 10, I can tell you that. NORIKO: Thank goodness. MAGIC VOICE: How about... a Fatal Fury lemon entitled "Boy's Night"? MARTA: Does it have Mai Shuranui in it? MAGIC VOICE: Yes. MARTA: Ohhhh *THUMP* SHION: My, it must hurt falling on your face like that. \ / \ / -- O -- FFIIIIISSHHHH / \ / \ MARTA: M a i S h u r a n u i... NORIKO: Pathetic. LING LING: You *are* sleeping on the couch, I hope you realize. "American Kitsune" written by David Gonterman. No copyright infringement indended by this MSTing, which is for amusement purposes only. Shion Nys & Marta Nys (c) 1997 Michael Surbrook Noriko Kobayashi created by Jeff Mueller, used with permission. Ling Ling Li Copyright (c) 1987-97 by Yuzo Takada. This version was used without permission. MSTed by Michael Surbrook susano@otd.com Visit Surbrook's Stuff! A Hero System/Champions source (especially for anime and manga material) at http://www.otd.com/~susano/index.html > While Jupiter was in the middle of this sack, > Goldar finds Sailor Venus charges at her with sword in hand.