[SCENE: A dimly lit room. There is a large plush couch, a big screen TV and a VCR. The current view is of the back of the couch. We can hear some soft, slightly muffled, sounds coming from the couch. After a moment, an obviously nude Marta sits up, her arms tightly wrapped around an equally nude Ling Ling. The two are in a very amorous embrace, moaning slightly as they exchange passionate kisses. Ling Ling pushes away slightly from Marta and begins to kiss the side of Marta's jaw, working her way down Marta's neck and across one shoulder. Marta is breathing through gritted teeth, her breath hissing slightly and her eyes closed tight.] SFX: Pssssttt! [SCENE: The camera pulls back to reveal Shion's shoulder. It pulls further back to show Shion sitting in a chair in the middle of the reviewing room. She has just popped the tab to a can of Sapporo and has a sly grin on her face.] SHION: Ahem. [SCENE: Ling Ling and Marta freeze, and then slowly turn to look at the camera.] LING LING & MARTA: AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!! MARTA : SHION!!! What the hell are *you* doing here?!! [Ling Ling vanishes behind the couch.] SHION: Allowing our many fans to fulfill their wildest fantasies. MARTA: You BITCH!!! LING LING: Magic Voice! You said we wouldn't be disturbed! MAGIC VOICE : I'm sorry, but the Magic Voice is not avaliable right now. Please leave a message at the beep. LING LING bastard... SHION : Well, this certainly has been amusing. Ling Ling, I'm suprised, after all the foolish things my sister has done, you *still* sleep with her? MARTA: That's none of your business! [Ling Ling stands up, dressed in her regular outfit. She tosses a bundle of clothing to Marta.] LING LING: Here, put this on before every fanboy in the universe writes you into a sick lemon. MARTA : Yeah, whatever. SHION : Oh, don't mind me, feel free to carry on. LING LING: Shut up! [Marta vanishes behind the couch.] [SCENE: Shion, Marta and Ling Ling are sitting on the couch. Shion is still drinking her beer. Both Marta and Ling Ling look rumpled and angry. The door opens and Noriko enters.] NORIKO : Uhm... should I ask? LING LING & MARTA: NO!!! SHION : I'll explain later. LING LING : You wouldn't?!! SHION: Only if Logan Darklighter feels like it. MAGIC VOICE: Hello. MARTA: YOU!!! You said we could have the room to ourselves! MAGIC VOICE: Uh... didn't you? LING LING: NO!!! Marta's stupid sister was in here! SHION: Goodness, you would think I had tried to kill one of you. MARTA: Oh, shut the hell up. NORIKO: I really think I am better off not knowing. LING LING: Yes! SHION: So, shall we continue? MAGIC VOICE: Ahem... right. Before we go, you have a few letters. Chaosptaku writes: >Greetings, good day, salutations, and a hardy HI to you nice >people. 'Tis I, Michael O'Hare. NORIKO: Uhoh. > Suffering Anime fan, amoral >M:TG and RPG player, and Bacon Addict! I am still trapped in Egypt, >and in more pain than usual. You see, I recently had surgury... >TESTICULAR SURGERY. To spare all the nerve-shattering details, ALL: Thank you. >I shall say only two things. First, it was medical, not comsmetic, >so don't even go there. Second, male or female, you must pray to >whoever-or-whatever-you-worship that your reproductive organs >never, EVER go under the kife. SHION: Agreed. MARTA: Well... LING LING: Well what? MARTA: Nothing, except that my body is 100% natural, no plastic surgery there. NORIKO: Yes, but how much cyberwear have you had implanted? MARTA: What? It didn't change my looks. >Enough self-pity, on to more happier things. >I have just finished reading "Relucatant Buma." Very good job, all of you, >but I'm starting to worry about Marta's well-being. I certainly hope >Ling-Ling at least left her in one piece, even if she DID have that coming. LING LING : Yes, she did. MARTA : You can punish me whenever you want. NORIKO: Please. >Just a few things to say to each of you... >SHION: You rule. SHION: Thank you. > Very nice hair, too. Also, I cannot thank you >enough for bumping off Kintobor the way you did. SHION: Again, thank you. > How much would it >cost to kill Nav or Adam Chris Leigh? SHION: 500,000 nuyen. > Read a Lovecraft novel or two. SHION: Been there, done that. >NORIKO: Hey, isn't writing a crappy fanfic a capitol offense? NORIKO : Could be. >Aren't you within your jurisdiction to shoot these people? NORIKO: Hmmm... >I'm pretty sure mental torture is against just about any law (although >that doesn't explain Full House). Buy a cat or a hamster. NORIKO: Hamster? I can deal with a cat, but I'll pass on the hamster. >MARTA: Look, I'm not criticizing or anything, but you should >keep intimate details to yourself. That's why they're called INTIMATE. MARTA: Ah... uhm... errr... SHION: Don't even try to talk your way out of this. >Also, I think that Athena Asamiya is much hotter than Mai Shiranui... >That MATA: NO WAY! >sounded so wrong. Put tobasco sauce and bacon on a meatball sub. >Ling-Ling: I did not appreciate the genital mutilation joke in >"Relucatant buma." Sure, your riffs are supposed to leave me rolling >in the aisles, but NOT THAT WAY!!! Oooow... LING LING: Well... I didn't know you were going in for surgery. Sorry. >Don't eat microwave-reheated turkey. >One final note; Noriko, you THINK I scare you??? You THINK???? >THINK! Ha. Ha ha. HA HA HA! HA HA HA HA >HAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!! HAAAAHAAAHAAAGH!! AAAAGH! NORIKO : Yes. >Anyways, thank you for your time, ladies, have a nice day, and... >Sweet Dreams... >At least I wasn't quite so damned verbose this time. Bacon. NORIKO: Words fail me. MAGIC VOICE: And Allison L. writes: >Just as an aside, Marta kicks ass! MARTA: Woohooo!!! LING LING: Calm down. SHION: What am I going to do with you? NORIKO: Ignore her, it's what I do. LING LING: Well, let's get it over with, okay? [The TV turns on] RELUCATANT BUMA 2 MiSTed by Michael Surbrook with Noriko Kobayashi, Ling Ling Li, Marta Nys and Shion Nys >--- Part III MARTA: The Search for Spock. > This would be a good time define exactly what a buma is. It is >very distantly related to a thing called the "boomer" in that >they are both made of metal, but one is much bigger, a boat, and >travels under the water, waiting to fire a bunch of >missiles. MARTA: Arrghhh...!! This is patheticly stupid! NORIKO: Oh, humor, how quaint. > A buma's main characteristic is its ability to SHION: Get blown to shreds facing the Knightsabers? LING LING: I thought it was ripping the ADP a new one? >emotionlessly carry out the instructions given it. MARTA: Sort of like a politician. SHION: Or a special prosecutor. >Like a computer, it will SHION: Crash the moment you load it with Windows 98. >cheerfully murder, destroy, maim, or run for public office, MARTA: Is this a boomer or Newt Gingrich? SHION: There's a difference? NORIKO: Perhaps it is David Gonterman? >at the push of a button. It takes nothing personally, and means >nothing personally, but unlike a computer, it has the ability to >adapt, to analyze past experiences, and modify its performance. LING LING: Provided you have sufficent quarters. > A second characteristic of a Buma is its looks. Now, when >describing the looks of an imposing, indestructible killing >machine, you might say "it is like a Buma". SHION : It's not a Buma! MARTA: You did that one last time. >This pretty much describes them. NORIKO: Yeah, right. 'Buma' tells us so much about them. >They are the standard to which all other robotic bad-guys are measured. LING LING: Wrong! Terminators are. >Terminators have nothing on Bumas, they >are fast, maneuverable, strong, and carry big weapons in strange >places. MARTA: Off hand, I'd say a Terminator is a *lot* smarter. > Buma's are manufactured by a large company known as Genom, what >this stands for, no one knows, but it is suspected that someone's >aunt is being honored in a very strange way. NORIKO: Uhm... was that a joke? >Anyone can own a buma, provided you have enough money. LING LING: Or stupidity. >Owning a Buma has it's good and bad points, however. MARTA: They really break the ice at parties! >They make great bodyguards, but tend to >go all out at the slightest provocation, SHION: A plus if we are talking about a sexroid. >giving rise to a bad >point: you have to keep them well-supplied with suits. >Busting out of the suits can get expensive > (but YOU try convincing a Buma to take it off first, ALL: Take it off! Take it off! >their stubbornness is legend). MARTA: They are almsot as stubborn as my sister. SHION: Hey! >Almost as expensive is the skin they bust out of, >which has to be re-grown every time. LLING LING: Save money, have them run around naked all the time. MARTA: Now *there's* an idea. > Buma's come in all varieties, from innocuous androids to large, >heavily armed and armored war-buma's their is a buma for all >occasions (though they do make LOUSY bride's maids, and their >reputation for being poor cooks is well-earned). NORIKO: Although they do hack up ADP officers like no one else. > The one thing you need to know about Bumas, was that what just >emerged from the dry-cleaners was acting nothing like one. MARTA : I never wanted to be a buma, I always wanted to be... a lumberjack! > Oh, it looked like a Buma, sounded like a Buma, and terrified >people like a Buma, but there was something very different about >it. MARTA: Like the fact it was wearing a sailor fuku and yelling something about "Boomer Power Make-up"! LING LING: You're sick, do you know that? > Its eyes were green. NORIKO: Sort of like my stomach. >A nice, cheery kind of green, this >particular shade belonged more to a cheerful field of grass than >a Buma. Not that the people cared. ALL: We don't! >When Buma's are spotted alone, SHION: You kill it quickly, before it can breed. >it means one of two things, they have either malfunctioned, and >are going to kill people, or they are under orders, and are going >to kill people. NORIKO: I believe we have established that bumas, or 'boomers' kill people. SHION: Basically. > But the little girl who walked up to this Buma knew that it was >safe. NORIKO: How? >She knew a lot about bumas. NORIKO: Again, how? SHION: Simple, she bought the game. MARTA: Fuzion, yuck. >Oh, not that elementary schools >in Tokyo (where this story takes place, the author subtly informs >the reader) MARTA: No shit. >have courses like "Intro to Bumas, 101: what to do >until the Knight Sabers arrive", LING LING: Although it is known that the Police Academy does have Boomers 101: How to die messily while waiting for the Knight Sabers to arrive. >but they do make the occasional >comment like "don't talk to strangers, climb into Lion cages >unattended, or walk up to a Buma and say 'Hi'" SHION: Or star in fanfics like this one. > "Hi", said the girl, as she walked up to the Buma, "you don't >act anything like a buma, you know." MARTA: Yeah, you act more like Keanu Reeves... > She looked at the buma, >well..scoldingly. In that impetuous little scolding-like look >that only very cute children can generate. MARTA: Ahhhh!!! Saccharine alert! > The people (now at a safe distance) watched in frozen terror as >the buma did a most un-buma like thing. It didn't kill her. MARTA: Too bad. NORIKO: You're sick, do you know that? MARTA: So? > "you think so?", NORIKO: Yes. >said the evil baritone of the Buma, its voice >not seeming to have taken on that cheery quality it's eyes had >acquired. "i do not wish to act like a Buma, they are mean and >nasty and make people not like them." SHION: Then what the hell are you doing in this story? NORIKO: What is this, Disney does BGC? > The girl nodded to herself, her Red hair bouncing slightly. She >was a small girl, maybe 6 or 7, if you had to guess. She was >wearing a cute pink dress that suited her well (pink is >definitely her color, though a dark blue would probably work as >well). "My sister told me all about buma's and she said that they >are all bad, she works for ADPolice, so she would know." The girl >is very sure of herself. LING LING: Twenty bucks says her sister is Nene Romanova! MARTA: You're on! > "I do not think i am bad, i do not wish to be" the buma replied >hesitantly "i know i am supposed to be, my programming tells me >to kill , but i just don't think i can.". MARTA: Sure you can, it's easy. SHION: Calm down, little Miss Psychopath. >The Buma sat down SHION: -on... >next ALL: Darn. >to the girl, who, not wanting to be impolite, sat down next to >him. He seemed to need someone to talk to, and she was a >sympathetic person. SHION: And if this was a real BGC story, she'd be fish food. > The people gathering around now were slowly coming to their senses, LING LING: Wondering what they were doing in such a lousy story. >they guessed by now that MARTA: Normally they would be dead. >they would not be needing to >dodge parts of buildings, as they had thought, but the sight of >the girl talking to the buma on the sidewalk was equally >confusing. They did not know what to think. NORIKO: Just think, it could be the start of a whole new children's show... Barney the Boomer. EVERYONE ELSE: Aaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!!! > That is, most people did not know what to think, not so for a >man at the outside of the ring of people, SHION: Exdeath I presume? >who was wearing a dark >overcoat, from under which he pulled a large Buma-rifle, and >took aim. LING LING: Nobody move or the Boomer gets it! >--- Part 4 > Beth had finished her tirade MARTA: Isn't that an expensive desert? >(you remember, the bitchy tech yelling at the old guy). SHION: Noriko yelling at Christopher Jones. NORIKO: Hey! >And as she did so, she dramatically >pointed at the Buma, to drive home her point. ALL: WHAM!!! >Except the Buma was not there. ALL: Wanh-wanh-waaaa!!! > "Frank! When did it leave?!" MARTA: Ohh... that's like asking 'is it in yet?'. >she turned to the man at the terminal, accusingly > "Probably while you were making poignant remarks about my >gene-pool", Frank replied, NORIKO: And it is quite obvious that Frank comes from the shallow end. >with a wry smile, "and don't screech" > "I am NOT screeching", she screeched. ALL : Owww... >Putting her clipboard >down beside Frank's terminal she typed in a quick key sequence on >a small device next to it. LING LING: 'IDDQD'. MARTA: I prefer 'IDKFA'. NORIKO: You would. >"It's not in the building, it's loose! NORIKO: Quick, go look for the ship's cat! LING LING: Will you cut that out! >my masterpiece....gone..", she sat down heavily MARTA: Thump! LING LING: Crash! SHION: Oww... >in the a chair >next to his, and put her face in her hands. > "it is of little concern", he pointedly ignored the acidic expression >she shot him, MARTA: BANG! LING LING: Whoa... harsh realm. >"our present concern is this." SHION : This man, this... thing! >He pointed at his screen. ALL: Push the button, Frank! > On the screen was the bio of a man all to familiar to Beth, MARTA: Brian J Mason! >Miriam, perhaps the most brilliant battle-buma designer since MARTA: Brian J Mason! SHION: Enough! >Stingray himself. NORIKO: Stingray *didn't* make combat boomers! That's one of the reasons why Sylia battles Genom! >Under his picture was a brief run-down of >awards, commendations, promotions, an appearance in BGC 8 where >he was jailed for life, NORIKO: That's a bit extreme for double parking. LING LING: Yeah, imagine if he'd been in Bubblegum Crash... >list of achiements, MARTA: Sexual preferences... SHION: You'd think by now he'd get over going to the bathroom by himself on his first birthday... and a few notes about his home life. SHION: Well, yes, Mr. Macek, these *are* impressive qualifications...but I'd like you to elaborate a bit on this 'jailed for life' period... > "I thought he was locked up for assaulting the ADPolice >building?" NORIKO: He got out for good behavior. >she said, knowing what the answer would be. > "so did I," Frank replied slowly, thoughtfully, (drowsily?), SHION: Drunkenly. >"but he escaped, I don't know how.. fools, they thought a simple >cell would hold him..", he barked a quick, cynical laugh. MARTA: Woof! Woof! > Beth assumed her indifferent air, "So what? Let him burn in >hell for all I care", she turned her nose up and away from frank. LING LING: I'm ignoring you. > suddenly Frank was not so complacent, MARTA: He was mad as hell and not going to take it anymore! >"Because, you IDIOT, SHION: Hmmm? Is that a new code for Doom II? > He has only one, singular desire, NORIKO: To impeach Bill Clinton! >to kill the Knight Sabers!" SHION: Wouldn't that be four desires? LING LING: Five, if you count Mackie. > At this, she was taken aback, MARTA: Where's that? SHION: New Mexico I think. >something she had not been for >some time, she did not like the feeling. MARTA: Relax and enjoy it. >"..and you think this is >bad? I thought we didn't LIKE the knight sabers." NORIKO: Of course we don't like the Knight Sabers, but I never said we wanted to *kill* them. > The doctor shook his head, and tiredly rubbed his temples with >his hands, "My life would be a lot simpler if they had never > existed". NORIKO: I can understand the sentiment. SHION: Just insert 'Takahashi' where it says 'they'. LING LING: Or 'Takeda'. MARTA: Damn straight. >He sat back in his chair and sighed. He began speaking, >as if to a child, MARTA: Must have watched Noriko conduct staff meetings. NORIKO: Hey! >"No, we don't, but the fact is that they are >the best damn test we have for new Buma's, ever read the specs on >a new buma?" LING LING: Sure, I've got a copy of the Fuzion sourcebook right here. SHION: Like that will tell you anything. > "Of course I have, what do you..." > He cut her off, "Right, and I'm sure you are a familiar with > the SPVKS number?" MARTA: Which cheat code is that? > "It is the most useful rating we have, NORIKO: It tells us how much of a market share we have. >it is the most accurate means of measuring a Buma's combat-potential," LING LING: What, counting how many ADP cops the boomer offs isn't good enough? >she narrower her eyes at him, wondering where this was leading. SHION: So are we. > "Know what it stands for?" NORIKO: No, but I'm sure you're going to tell us. MARTA: Super Perverted Vixen Knight Sabers? LING LING: Sailor Punks vs. Knight Sabres? NORIKO: Silly Prose, Very Knowledgably Slammed. SHION: Story Provokes Vehement Killfile Sessions! LING LING: Strange People Versus Krappy Story? MARTA: Spam Powered Vertical Knee System? SHION: Okay, we've lost momentum. > she didn't, and she knew she didn't, and he knew she knew she >didn't, but she could never admit it. SHION: We know. He knows that we know, and we know that he knows that we know it. We are a very knowledgeable family. MAGIC VOICE: *No one* is going to know where you got that! SHION: Tough. >Leaning back, casually, as >if the conversation at hand wasn't one of the most interesting >she had had since the advent of the male sexaroid, MARTA: An event that we should all be thankful for! NORIKO: Why? MARTA: Because male sexroids *never* roll over and go to sleep afterwards. SHION: And male sexroids don't bug you about giving them oral sex. > she said "I never really looked into it." ALL: Uhm... LING LING: Male sexroids? NORIKO: I think she means that SPVKS number. MARTA: Oh, I thought it meant she was a lesbian. SHION: You wish. > A smile touched the doctors face, MARTA: And then left forever. >"Well, if you had, you might >have found out that it stands for 'Staying Power Versus the >Knight Sabers' a representation of how many minutes it would >take for a Knight Saber to chew it up". MARTA: Hey, what happened to that boomer? LING LING: What do you think happened to it? MARTA: It looks like someone chewed it up and spat it out. LING LING: Perhaps it was a result of anxiety. > It may be a good time to address this. The SPVKS number is >number used to measure a Buma's fighting potential. It appears on >the spec sheets next to speed, firepower, likelihood of turning >against master and taking over Mega-Tokyo, SHION: Armor Class. MARTA: Hit Dice. LING LING: Attacks per round. NORIKO: Alignment. SHION: Percent in Lair. MARTA: Treasure Type. >and reflex times. LING LING: That too. > Usually this quantity was obtained by programming a Buma to go >out and commit a vile, destructive act, SHION: Like run for Congress. > and get one of the Knight Sabers to come and kill it. NORIKO: You always use violence, I should have ordered glutinous rice chicken. LING LING: Hey! That's *my* line! >Usually they would all show up, MARTA: Ending that battle right quick. > throwing off the calculation, so a conversion chart was made for > this occasion. The only problem with this was that SHION: They kept using Pentium processors. > the Buma was usually destroyed, and that could get expensive, > but it was worth it to get so useful a rating. Usually. > Now, the highest SPVKS rating ever was achieved by robots SHION: Such as Tom Servo and Crow T Robot. MARTA: Who? SHION: Skip it. > created by none other than Miriam, who threw off the whole scale. NORIKO: I hate it when that happens. > This made quite a few engineers angry, as it was generally > accepted that no Buma could last more than 5 minutes or so > against a Knight Saber, unless of course it was ALL: Nene. >at the end of an episode, in which all ratings are cut in half. LING LING: Must be sweeps week. >Here, however was a man who had managed to create Buma >capable of beating the Sabers. LING LING: George Lucas? MARTA: Walt Disney? >Fortunately, the Buma's did not actually win, NORIKO: Although they did cover the point spread. >and Buma designers the world over were able to >breath a sigh of relief, because if they had, all the scales would >have to be re-calibrated, a real sticky business. ALL: Eeywwww! > That said, it might be a good time to return, as something >cool is about to happen (trust me, I know) SHION: Yeah, sure you do. You couldn't find something cool if you used both hands and a flashlight. > Beth was speechless, but as she doesn't often give speeches, >this was not a real problem, her face was turning that pinkish >color that comes from SHION: Being suffocated. NORIKO: Aren't we being dark. >long hours of practicing not being >startled, and she leaned forward slowly, dramatically, MARTA: Giving us a wonderful view of her cleavage. >"you mean >to tell me that.." Suddenly, alarms started going off, light >started flashing, ALL: We've got movie sign!!! >and Frank turned back to his terminal, quickly >punching up a request. LING LING: Push the button, Frank! MARTA: Cambot, give me rocket number 9! > "Damn, sensors show a buma-rifle has just been fired in the >vicinity, close to the storefront!", he quickly stood up and >rushed out the door, leaving Beth to stare at the monitor, >frowning. NORIKO : But... he was supposed to wait until he got to the book depository. MAGIC VOICE: Marta I can understand, but you? > Outside, sure enough, the man had fired a shot directly at the >Buma, and missed. SHION: I missed? I never miss... it must have been smaller than I thought. >Or so it was supposed. How he could have missed >at that close range, or that big a target is unknown, MARTA: But Ken Starr will be sure to find out! >but suffice >to say the shot went wild, and slammed into an old dry-cleaning >shop behind the startled Buma. LING LING: At which point Chow Yun-Fat came out and started kicking ass. MARTA: Wrong movie. NORIKO: Wrong genre. SHION: Right idea. > Oh, yes, the Buma was startled, for about 1/100 of a second. > At which time it decided that it had allowed enough time to MARTA: Wet it's pants. > be startled, and it only had a few 1/100's of a second more before > he should go and kill the man with the rifle, otherwise he might > be accused of being sloppy, and Buma's had a reputation to > protect. Such as it is. NORIKO: Boomers have a reputation for slaughtering the AD Police and getting wasted by the Knight Sabers. LING LING: Well, it did say "Such as it is". > Quickly arming all bvattle-circuts, readying weapon-reaction NORIKO: 'Bvattle'? MARTA: To bvattle! To bvattle! Cry havop and let loose the drogs of war! LING LING: You scare me. >hard-wired circuts, he sprang into action. Picking up the little >girl, it fled as fast as his feet would carry him. LING LING: Quick, Robin! To the Batcave! >---Part 5 SHION: So long and thanks for all the fish. > Rounding a corner a dozen blocks down from the dry cleaners, >the Buma came to a halt. The little girl, who was having the time >of her life, was a bit disappointed that the ride had come to an >end. MARTA : Again!!! > Carefully the Buma placed the girl on the ground, while >checking his surroundings; tall, emotionless buildings, garbage >strewn around the corners, rats and other vermin racing to >scavenge the remains of a society drowning in civilization, MARTA: Sounds like any number of cities. SHION: Hunh... I thought it was Neo York. LING LING: Hong Kong. NORIKO: MegaTokyo. MARTA: Oh, just like home. >in other words, one of the better parts of town. Buma's do not get >sad, the Buma had to continue to remind itself. LING LING: I feel happy! I feel happy! > The buma's thoughts must have been apparent on its metallic >face because as he looked back at the girl, NORIKO: She was screaming in terror? >she was frowning at him, NORIKO: Close enough. >"why did you bring me here?" MARTA: So we could watch the submarine races. > She could not read his thoughts, after all, nothing can read >its thoughts. LING LING: That's because it doesn't *have* any thoughts. > its expressions are all the same. never changing, SHION: Oh, sort of like the Republican party then? >but that is not important, because buma's do not get happy, they >do not get angry, and they most certainly do not get sad, the SHION: They just get even. >buma thought sadly. > "I picked this position for its relative security" > "compared to a gun wielding maniac?" NORIKO: Hey, you don't see any around, do you? > "precisely". this girl had an extremely good grasp of basic >tactics. LING LING: As compared to who? NORIKO: Obviously, the AD Police. > "what is your name?" MARTA : What is your quest? LING LING: What is the color of your favorite Knightsaber? SHION: What is the airspeed velocity of an unladen combat boomer? > It was such an innocent question. Spoken with the naivety of >the young, she did not mean to ask anything deep and >philosophical, she merely wanted to know what to call it. LING LING: Oh about... 'Fred'? MARTA: Leroy. SHION: George NORIKO: Snookums. EVERYONE ELSE: Snookums? >Nevertheless, the buma was silent for a moment. It opened its >mouth; then closed it again. it thought for a few more moments, SHION: See? Windows 98 takes up way to much processing time! > then, triumphantly: "my serial number NORIKO: THX-1138 >is 123-g..." > "no no no", the girl shook her head, "i mean your REAL name, >someone must have named you something!" LING LING: Well... if the Knight Sabers were around, I'm betting his name would be 'scrap'. > as a matter of fact, he could think of a great many names that >had been attributed to him, by his creator, SHION: No of which we can repeat here, this being a family show and all. >Beth; however very >few came to mind that would not offend an 8-year-old girl, and >in any case, none of them were meant kindly. MARTA: Except when she called him 'studmuffin'. > "I suppose", SHION: This story blows. >the buma started, slowly, "that I.. do not have a name." NORIKO: What's in a name? > "everyone has to have a name", she placed her hands on her >hips, lips pursed defiantly, " > The Buma had an idea, "I will let you choose a name for me." ALL: Bad idea! > The girl was impressed. Oh, she had named things before; dogs, >a cat, some stuffed animals, her computer (who she affectionately >called "Ed"), ALL: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! LING LING: It's Asuza Shirotori!!! ALL: RUN!!! >that sort of thing. But never a real-live city- >crunching, ground-pounding Buma before. She took her new >responsibility seriously, and set to work coming up with a name. ALL: Uhmmm... > After a few minutes of pondering, during which time the Buma >had solved a fantastically difficult math problem that had driven >three contemporary mathematicians to feeding the grass in local >parks, she said "you look like a Hubert, how about that?" SHION: "HUBERT"? Who the hell names a combat boomer Hubert?!! LING LING: Right, you name them... uhm... NORIKO: HAL? LING LING: C3P0? R2D2? T-1000? ED 209? NORIKO: What's wrong with Hubert? SHION: Oh, I forgot, you work with a Huey, Duey and Louie! > The Buma core-dumped the problem it had been working out >(which would have solved mega-tokyo's electricity problems for >the next millennia.. oh well), and thought about it. "Hubert.. SHION: What's a Hubert? MARTA: Let me see, I used to know what a Hubert was... well, never mind that. >hmm.. yes, i think that will do nicely." > Back at headquarters, in a small, forgotten niche of the lab, >a terminal lit up. it flashed some boot-stuff across the front of >it, and then the screen went dim, and a single phrase appeared on >the top: "Beginning Hubert" NORIKO: Ending George. LING LING: How about "Ending this story"? >psst..hey.. reader... ALL: What? >It's me, the story here. SHION: Yeah, right. NORIKO: This is absurd. >Don't look up. MARTA : Don't... scream... >C'mere, yeah, real close to the screen. I need to talk with you. LING LING: I think this is an excuse for the author to try and peek down our shirts. MARTA: Uhm... EVERYONE ELSE: Oh, shut up! >You see, I've been the one telling you about all the stuff NORIKO: 'Fluff' >you need to know in order to make sense of this here story. SHION: Well, you've failed. >It occurs to me you need to know one bit of information more. NORIKO: Like what the hell is supposed to be going on? >About the author. LING LING: He's dead, Jim. >You see, after that last paragraph, the story gets truly >strange, SHION: He's just *now* telling us this? >and while I know he meant well, I am not sure that his >authorship meant to have the buma buy a paisley suit and become a >go-go dancer, and live happily ever after. So I killed him. LING LING: Hey... MARTA: Nice call, Ling Ling, how did you do that? > Oh, it was easy, just a little beep here, a disk drive shudder >there, he gets up to look, and then ZAP! 120volts right in the >kisser. SHION: The hazards of Win98. >(that's the last time he'll leave his computer case open, >heh heh.. But i digress. I have taken over writing of this story, >and will notify you appropriately when I need to talk to you >again. Oh.. this bit-o-foreshadowing you just read, about the >"Begging Hubert", thing; that was me, i'm a sucker for mysteries. NORIKO: "Begging Hubert"? Begging for what? SHION: Hopefully, a quick death. MARTA: My sis, you're dark today. > The girl checked her watch. LING LING: Five minutes 'till "Spinger"! >It was a dyna-max-time-sensitive- >chronomaster. MARTA: A what? NORIKO: It's a wristwatch. Don't you know anything? MARTA: Shut up. >It measured time directly form the space-time >continuum, so it was never wrong; however they are extremely >rare, because they often times would read the wrong time. SHION: Yeah, like right now. I'm reading that I'm late for getting the hell out of this room. MAGIC VOICE: Sorry, the door is timelocked till the end of the fic. LING LING: Bastard. MAGIC VOICE: I heard that. >Apparently, during bad movies, any political speech, ALL: The OJ trial. >or just whenever relatives came over, the watch actually >slowed down, sometimes not moving for seemingly hours. SHION: Sounds like the current impeachment hearings. >This made reading them a bitch. ALL: Hey... MAGIC VOICE: I don't think he means you. >They did find favor with a small portion of the >population, however, because during such unwanted visits, the >excuse now could be made of, "oh, excuse me, i have to set my >watch, i'll be back in a minute". SHION : Hmmm... hey, Magic Voice, I need to - MAGIC VOICE: Wrong! SHION: Damn. >then scurrying off to some forgotten room, and dutifully waiting >for a minute or two (this usually took several hours). > "I have to get going home, I was supposed to go right back after >the school trip, I'll bet my mother is worrying" > "Your mother?" The buma was not truly interested in the girls MARTA: Figures. You get a good-looking boomer and he's either married or gay. LING LING: Pardon? >welfare. Really. NORIKO: Unhunh. >Ed. Note: Yeah, right SHION: Exactly. MARTA: This joke is wearing thin. > He simply needed to ascertain the tactical probability of a >mother infringing on his plan of attack. NORIKO: Trust me, it's 100 percent. Parents can ruin any plans you have for your life and your future in an eyeblink. MARTA & SHION: Agreed! LING LING: Am I the only one here who gets along with her parents? MARTA: Depends, have you told them you sleep with me? LING LING: Uhm... SHION: We rest our case. > "she lives in apartment on 52nd street", the girl looked around, ALL : "On Broadway!" >but I think you need to see my Uncle first. MARTA: Uncle Sam? > The buma looked at the girl questioningly SHION : Kid? What the hell are you talking about? >(the normal "questioning" look for a Buma is with MARTA: Its fist. >a large caliber automatic weapon pointed up your nose, >but the Buma decided this would not facilitate a faster answer. SHION: But is sure breaks the ice at parties. >It also was not very nice). > "He is a really really smart man, almost as smart as my sister, >except SHE just does paperwork all day. LING LING: See! I told you her sister was Nene Romanova! >My Uncle fixes things, and I'll bet he can fix you." NORIKO: Ack! Her uncle is Dr. Raven, I bet! SHION: Oh, brother. > The Buma did a quick check of his internal systems. Nothing >seemed to be wrong. MARTA: Except for being in this fic. >Except for a nagging itch in his left >processor, he opened up its request file, and found it really >wanted to go kill something, SHION: So do I. >so he quickly closed it again. "what is wrong with me?", NORIKO: You're in this story. Next stupid question? >he said casually, as he scratched his processor. >----end part 5 ALL: Yeah! > this is the story again (ha ha) leaving off here is a great > place, huh? well, not really, you see these two have been sitting > alone in an alley for some time, MARTA: Doing what we wonder. > we have to introduce some new characters, NORIKO: I sense a self-insertion coming up. > and there is way to little action for my taste, SHION: There has been *no* action! > and the whole thing isn't really going anywhere yet, NORIKO: I have serious doubts this fic actually ever goes *anywhere*! > but DON'T BLAME ME! ALL: Why not? > I am getting this thing on track as fast as I can, > that dumb-ass author has left me with some serious problems. SHION: Like the whole premise? > I promise the next installment will be a rock-up sock-um > blast-a-minute MARTA: MORTAL KOMBAT!!! > with fantastic characters, phenomenal action, and plot twists galore. SHION: Unhunh. > really. NORIKO: Right. >Ed note: Yeah, right. AL:: Uhm... >stay tuned.. Buma fans! SHION: BOOMER!!! MAGIC VOICE: Well... does anyone care to comment? SHION : Yes... this story suffers from some major flaws, mainly the fact the author keeps interrupting himself with a series of useless and foolish asides that do nothing for the story other than make an already confusing mess even less readable. NORIKO : There is that, as well as a lack of capitalization, poor sentence structure, redundancy, spelling errors and other mistakes. Although not as bad as some stories, this one did have a number of major flaws. LING LING: I think the basic plot, that of a boomer that doesn't act as a boomer should, isn't a bad idea. The idea of a machine - or other artificial intelligence - questioning its existence has been done before, and could be interesting in the context of BGC. Unfortunately, this wasn't a very well written attempt. MARTA: And the action scenes, such as they were, sucked. SHION: You're just mad becuase there wasn't a Knight Saber's suit-up sequence. MARTA: So? NORIKO: So, MagicVoice, what mess do we get handed next? MAGIC VOICE: Uhm... let me see... How about a Dragonball Z, Tenchi Muyo, Streetfighter II cross over? ALL What? MAGIC VOICE: Right. That's what I'll use. NORIKO : Right, I have real work to do. See you later. SHION : Well, I think I've worn out my welcome this time. See you later little sister. [The camrea follows Shion to the door and stays there for a long moment. It then swings around to look back at the couch. Marta and Ling Ling are no where in sight and there is a lot of clothing scattered about.] \ / \ / -- O -- FFIIIIISSHHHH / \ / \ LING LING: Where was I? "Relucatant Buma" written by Geoffrey "Curt" Hartung. No copyright infringement indended by this MSTing, which is for amusement purposes only. Shion Nys & Marta Nys (c) 1997 Michael Surbrook Noriko Kobayashi created by Jeff Mueller, used with permission. Ling Ling Li Copyright (c) 1987-97 by Yuzo Takada. This version was used without permission. MSTed by Michael Surbrook susano@otd.com Visit Surbrook's Stuff! A Hero System/Champions source (especially for anime and manga material) at http://www.otd.com/~susano/index.html