DEEP 13 "... and that, in essence, is my theory," Dr. Clayton Forrester finished proudly. He looked at over the small congregation that he had just spoken to, and waited for some reaction. Frank attempted to start a round of polite applause, but no one joined in, so he stopped. The silence was eventually broken by a voice that was very reminiscent of Mark Hamill's version of the Joker. "That is completely insane!" The room's occupants turned to look at the speaker, a humanoid white rabbit about four and a half feet tall. Despite his small size, his insane grin made him more than intimidating enough to fit in with the present company. "I absolutely *love* it!" Forrester suppressed a disgusted sigh. Getting his first vote of confidence from Pippkin could not help. "Forrester, completely looks like irragionevole. But if it is applicable... " Dr. Thinker trailed off thoughtfully. Another speaker, an older man with gray hair who was currently restricted to a wheelchair, broke in. "If it's true, then I think you may be offering us something too good to pass up." Forrester nodded enthusiastically, much more pleased with the infamously evil Vince McMahon's support. Besides, the businesslike Vince was much easier on the eyes than Thinker in his intensely yellow lab coat. Clayton briefly wondered how he ended up working with people like that. Ah, well, the pitfalls of being evil. An orange haired man in a futuristic white business suit, named Rufus Shinra, leaned forward. "I absolutely agree. The payoff for this would be nothing short of total world domination for each of us in our respective home dimensions... *if* it worked. Which brings up the one question you haven't answered yet, Clayton..." A young man wearing an unsightly leather bodysuit and stroking a shivering white cat (Oscar, of course) finished. "How will we break the barrier?" "Gentlemen, that's already taken care of. Observer?" The pale, pretentious Brain Guy stepped forward from the console of machinery he had been standing in front of. He was clearly prepared to face some grueling task, as he was wearing jogging pants, a headband, and a 'Castleton' sweatshirt. "Achieving this is possible, but it will not be easy. Doing so will involve using this Deus Ex Machina, powered by *both* Mr. Shinra's Plot Contrivance Materia and Mr. McMahon's Imperium Silver Crystal. Then, the energy must be fed through my brain, where I can use my omnipotence to rip a plot hole in the barrier. Then, the Deus Ex Machina can keep the hole open, *and* give us access to the dimensions beyond." Observer then went back to drinking his Allsport in preparation. "You've got *nothing* to lose," Clayton added in hopefully. "Well, other than the possibility of ripping apart all time and space- -" Brain Guy began. Forrester immediately shut him up by throwing a glass of ice water into his brainpan. "Oh, what the hell?" Pippkin stated happily. "There's nothing good on TV right now, correct?" Vince, Rufus, Oscar, and Dr. Thinker all exchanged a long glance... and then nodded. Then all present erupted into a good long round of evil laughter to cement their new, unholy alliance. At the pathetically small back table, TV's Frank turned to face his companions. "Looks like we're going to be working together after all, guys! Great, huh?" "The Rock is just damn well jumpin' for joy," Rocky Maivia grumbled. "Putting up with any one of them is bad *enough*..." Heidegger laughed disconsolately. "...but now we've got SIX Lawgivers to deal with!"Bobo wailed. Frank suddenly looked a bit depressed, as he hadn't thought of that. "But Steve kills me enough as it is..." Meanwhile, the Mads were gathering around the now-recovered Observer and preparing the Deus Ex Machina for what would be the ultimate achievement Mad Science could ever know. They were attempting nothing less than the most colossal violation of the laws of physics imaginable... shattering the barrier that separated the known multiverse from the great unknown that lay outside. Breaking the Fourth Wall. _______________________________________________ Mystery Self-Insertion Theater 3000, post 101: "Dark SVAM", chapter one. Written by His Imperial Highness Exdeath the Destroyer. MiSTed by: Alicia Ashby Jamie Jeans Tim McLees And Michael Surbrook _______________________________________________ SOUTHWEST VIRGINIA A pale, dripping-wet young woman cautiously stuck her head out of her bathroom, checked both ways for the presence of humans, and then darted across the hallway. She absolutely could not believe that she *had* remembered to bring her bra and panties into the bathroom before she showered, while completely forgetting the little formality of her clothes. And with only about twenty minutes before the Pay-Per-View started, Alicia 'Lynxara' Ashby could afford to waste no time in getting dressed. She'd never forgive herself if she missed a Cruiserweight match. Alicia continued to towel off her mass of wet dark hair as she pulled out a pair of jeans and the most appropriate T-shirt she could think of, her Degeneration X one. Fortunately, she never had time to set them down before she disappeared in a flash of blue light. BRITISH COLUMBIA "AH, God!! This has *got* to be the worst dub I've ever seen since Riding Bean!!!" The angry young man in question punctuated his comments by throwing a pair of dirty, balled-up socks at the television screen. Then again, he should've known not to expect anything good from a dub of Bubblegum Crisis... but he hadn't been prepared for 'I'll send you to another dimension!' levels of badness, either. Jamie 'Jolt!' Jeans continued to grumble at the TV, though. Complaining at it was much easier than facing the stack of homework he had to do for University. Its just as well that he didn't do his homework, anyway. Right as he began a rant on how badly 'Victory' had been butchered in the English language version, he disappeared in a flash of blue light. KANSAS "Do you have an Stone Cold action figures?" "No." "Do you have any of Kane?" "I'm sorry, no." Timothy 'Shinji' McLees felt slightly guilty as he watched the disappointed child walk away down the aisle. However, only slightly. Granted, there was a case that contained Stone Colds and Kanes in the back, but if he dragged them out he *knew* the kid would only grab those figures, leaving him with an opened case of figures and nowhere to put them. The kid would simply have to wait for Toys R Us to sell out of those thrilling Jim Ross figures. He resumed his task shelving the latest batch of McFarlane toys (these things always made him feel somewhat old... he remembered back when action figures moved), when he rather abruptly disappeared in a flash of blue light. MARYLAND Michael Surbrook poured himself another glass of iced tea as he pondered the stack of tapes in front of him. He had a Sunday free, and had every intention of spending watching Hong Kong action theater classics starring no one less than Jackie Chan himself. He was just having an inordinately hard time picking which one he wanted out of the stack of tapes in front of him. Michael was debating just sticking in a John Woo flick instead when fate made the decision for him. He abruptly vanished from existence in a flash of blue light. DEEP 13, AGAIN... "It is the extremity of them?" Dr. Thinker asked. "What?" "Did you get them all?" Rufus translated. "I believe so," Clayton replied with a smirk. "Let's take a look and see how they're doing." Clayton then proceeded to flip a button on his control panel, with activated his dormant Viewscreen. It showed a feed from the bridge of the latest of his fleet of orbiting torture satellites... one he had simply dubbed Hell. The bridge of Hell was at the moment occupied only by Tim, resplendent in his Toys R Us work uniform and looking very, very confused. Where one minute he had been surrounded with the most finely molded pieces of worthless plastic money could buy, he was now surrounded by a sterile expanse of pale gray metal. Actually, the room was quite small, but it felt big just because of how very little in it. There was a sort of raised console in the middle, a pair of heavy metal doors behind him, what looked like some passages running off both the left and right sides of the room... and that was it, as far as he could see. While Timothy began to examine the room more closely for signs of where he was and how he got there, another visitor made his way into the room from one of the corridors. Jamie had suddenly found himself sitting in the middle of a deserted metal hallway. Not knowing what else to do or how he got there, Jamie had begun simply following the hallway. Jamie was strangely unafraid of the presence of the stranger that he saw in the oddly-familiar looking new room; maybe the cartoon giraffe on the back of the stranger's vest had something to do with it. In any case, Jamie decided to run with his Newfie instincts and be friendly. "How cha gettin' on?" "AHH!" Tim whirled in surprise and brandished the Ninja Spawn action figure that he was still holding as threateningly as he could. "I'm sorry if I startled you... Tim," Jamie said after a brief pause to read Tim's name tag. "I just wondered if you happened to know where we are." Tim breathed heavily for a few minutes as he relaxed a bit. While he was a bit irked that whoever-this-is hadn't announced his presence sooner, he seemed harmless enough. "I have no idea," Tim stated rather bluntly. "So this isn't a toy store?" Jamie asked, a wry smile on his face. "No," Tim replied rather flatly. "Damn. Oh, sorry for bein' so rude. My name's Jamie." He accentuated his introduction by grabbing Tim's hand and shaking it aggressively. "Uh... Tim," Timothy replied with a wry glance down at his name tag. "Yeah," Jamie smiled. "So, how'd you get here?" The two compared notes on their abrupt arrivals, and found that they weren't comforted in the least by the similarities. "You got pulled out of the middle of *Canada*?" Tim asked a bit incredulously. "Actually the far Western Province, but yeah... how'd you guess?" "You have a slight accent," Tim managed to deadpan. Jamie chuckled a bit at himself. "Yeah, that. Well, I'm still wonderin' how we got here, and..." Jamie was cut off by a sound that was not really loud in the conventional sense, but seemed to fill the room completely. It was a sound not unlike ripping paper, but somehow 'deeper' and far more penetrating. Both Tim and Jamie turned toward the source of the sound, just in time to see a flash of blinding, pale blue light. As the light faded, it left a very damp young woman sitting on the console. Tim and Jamie stared at her for a few moments, both because of her sudden appearance and the fact that she was clad only in her undergarments. She stared right back at them, understandably surprised. The silence was finally broken as Jamie, who had already turned a brilliant shade of red, swayed unsteadily on his feet and began falling. The young woman clutched the clothing she was holding in her hands tightly around her bared midriff and began screaming with incredible volume for someone so short. Tim was jolted out of his embarrassment by the need to keep Jamie from injuring himself by falling face first on the floor, and was left awkwardly trying to look away and apologize to the unknown girl while keeping Jamie's husky frame up. This was the scene that greeted Mike Surbrook as he wandered out of the other corridor that lead into the room, his glass of iced tea in hand. He pondered the sight before him for a few minutes, then unceremoniously dumped the contents of the cup on the floor. That was it; he was switching to decaf. "Stay back, just stay the hell back!" the young woman shouted frantically at Timothy while she fumbled in the back pocket of the blue jeans she was holding. She withdraw a small gray canister attached to a keychain, and pointed it aggressively at him. "I'VE GOT MACE!" "Look, you don't have to- - I'm not- - I'm really sorry about- - dammit, could you stand up?!" Tim broke off his string of apologies to shout at Jamie in frustration. The young Canadian had already sunk to his knees, incoherently muttering something about an 'angel'. Alicia, who just so happened to be the young woman in question, quickly slid down to floor, making sure to keep the console between herself and the strange young men. She didn't think of herself as the paranoid type, but also knew better than to trust anyone when she wasn't fully clothed. She continued to keep her can of mace trained on them while she tried to somewhat cover herself with the clothes she didn't dare pause to put on. Tim finally gave up and let Jamie hit the floor, so he could turn his full attention towards calming the unknown girl down. "I know what you have to be thinking, and trust me, I'm just as confused as you are..." Alicia took pause as she thought she recognized something familiar about him. "McLees?" The girl suddenly asked. "What?" "The name tag says Tim. Is your last name McLees?" "Well, yeah..." At this point, the girl finally dropped her can of mace and breathed a sigh of relief. She quickly pulled her shirt on, and then leaned heavily against the console and began laughing. "Oh, God of all the places..." That's when Tim began to notice a few familiar things about the girl...the fabled mop of dark hair, her voice... and the fact that she was the only girl not in a Raw crowd shot that he had ever seen wearing a Degeneration-X T-shirt. "Alicia?" She managed to nod while still laughing helplessly. Tim was immediately overwhelmed by an odd combination of joy at seeing the friend that he'd never met and a sense of heightened embarrassment. Fortunately, that's when Mike took it upon himself to walk into the room. "Great. It's 'Revenge', only it's really happening this time," he observed bitterly. Tim turned to say something to the newcomer, but never had the chance. "Michael Surbrook," Mike introduced himself. "Nice to finally meet you." Tim groped for an appropriate response to abruptly meeting in real life someone who had previously only known over the internet, and was fortunately saved the trouble. "Mike *Surbrook*?!" Jamie exclaimed, suddenly bolting off the floor. He ran over and grabbed the much shorter and older man in a massive bear hug. "This is so *cool*! I love Kazei Five, and I've read every single one of your MiSTs, and..." "Help..." Mike managed. Tim looked down at Alicia, who had long since slid to the floor in the throes of helpless laughter. "That's Jamie Jeans, isn't it?" Tim asked with a relieved smile on his face. Alicia nodded, still laughing. "I'll do the greeting shtick later... first, I think I need to put some pants on." A few moments later, the group currently trapped in Hell gathered on the bridge and began talking in earnest. Besides the fact that they riffed fanfics and all posted to (and Tim coincidentally ran) a website by the name of 'Shinji's Vault of Anime MiSTings', they had very little in common. What little contact they had with each other off the net had consisted mostly of just phone calls. And they still had no clue as to how to answer the questions of how they got there and why they were put there. Fortunately, that's when a dormant Viewscreen slid noiselessly down from the ceiling and glowed into life. Dr. Forrester's face, with the various members of the Secret Society of Mads in the background, filled the screen. The Scientist grinned as he greeted his subjects for the first time. "Greetings, Mystic Knights! And what do you think of your new abode?" This prompted a round of screams from the riffers, as they turned to face the new Viewscreen. Their reaction was predictable. "Dr. Forrester?!" Mike exclaimed. "Trace Beaulieu," Jamie corrected. "Trace...? What kind of a stupid name is *that*?!" Forrester snorted. "I am Dr. Clayton Forrester, world's foremost authority on mad science!" "No..." Alicia insisted rationally. "Forrester's just a character, played by Trace Beaulieu. He went on to do some comic books for Event and stuff, and he was the voice of Crow T Robot up through season seven. That's when Bill Corbett, the guy who plays the Observer, took over..." The Mads seemed unaffected by the wave of fannish knowledge that washed over them. "And people think *I'm* insane," Pippkin snorted indignantly. "This, more of the four. The external part of the wall is very disowned, seems it," Dr. Thinker observed. "Yeah, what he said," Vince added with a smirk. "Actually, I believe you said that in their universe, we only existed as fictional characters. If that's the case, then what she's saying could be true," Rufus observed. The produced a series of shocked stares on Hell. "He was kidding. Someone tell me he was kidding," Alicia began nervously. "Kidding? Him? He's a mad scientist, Alicia," Jamie said. "They don't kid. They screw up, but they don't kid." Alicia sighed and began pounding her head against a nearby wall. "Well, the fourth wall just got shot straight to hell..." Tim muttered to himself. "That's it exactly!" Forrester exclaimed brightly. "I'm not sure how it is in *your* world, but here I was the first to discover the energy barrier that separates our multiverse from yours... the Fourth Wall." "I'm with Alicia. I want someone to tell me that he's kidding," Mike said. Clayton continued his spiel, oblivious. "Once I was able to use my Deus Ex Machina to get in contact with my... *dearly departed mother*... and her friend the Brain Guy here, I set about researching your world. And I found out something very intriguing. In your world, my many experiments were works of fiction, produced by a bunch of doughy Midwesterners and legions of bored losers like yourselves. Do you know what that means?" "The Best Brains are rip-off artists?" Jamie asked. "Gardner Fox was right?" Alicia chimed in. "Not likely," Forrester smirked at them. "It means that your world is rife with people who have sat through every experiment I've ever sent to the original boobies, not to mention the efforts of my esteemed colleagues here. And that's when it occurred to me... we Mads have been searching for the ultimate piece of bad fanfiction for years now. The one story so terrible that it would instantly destroy the minds of all who read it. And who better to write that story..." "...than *you*?" Forrester finished with a grin. "After all, you don't just survive bad movies and fanfiction... you people *enjoy* them!" Vince sneered. "So the secret of that one story that will bring the world to its knees is in *your* minds," Rufus smirked at them. The reaction on Hell was stunned silence. The assembled authors looked uneasily at each other, and then glanced back into the Viewscreen. "*What*?!" Tim asked incredulously. "I'm not gonna do that! I'm in this to make *good* fanfiction," Jamie declared defensively. "Not to mention that it's just a stupid idea," Mike growled, looking very unamused. "You can't hurt people with text! Why do you think your experiments never work?" Alicia finished. Forrester frowned at them. "Oh, so you've decided to be stubborn? Well, we have ways of dealing with that! FRANK!" At that, Frank and the other sidekicks snapped to attention. "We need the... *persuader*," Forrester grinned darkly. The sidekicks sighed heavily, and then went to work opening a massive, heavy metal vault door behind them. Between Rocky and Bobo's strength, they got it opened after a few minutes of tugging. The Observer made some radiation protective gear with his mind and then went in. He returned later, toting a disk that was toting neon green. "Dejeme for the transmission they of history! Dejeme! " Dr. Thinker shouted happily. "*You*?" Vince snorted. "Please. If you send it, they'll never be able to figure out what they're getting." "Let me handle this, *I'm* in charge..." Forrester began. "Oh, you are? Says who?" Rufus replied with a scowl on his face. "Well, he did give most of us our stuff..." Oscar observed as the group began to bicker. Up on the satellite, Jamie stared into the Viewscreen. "I can't believe it. This is the group of 'evil' people gathered together to conquer humanity?" Tim sighed. "You have to admit, they're all acting just the way they're written." Pippkin glared disapprovingly at the arguing villains, and gestured for Observer to insert the disk in the Ficsender. "Well, kids, while they argue, here's our *persuasion*. It's a very *special* bad fanfic, by His Imperial Highness Exdeath the Destroyer. Sit through a chapter of this, and then we'll see what you think about being cooperative. TTFN!" With that, Pippkin slammed on a button. On Hell, the satellite had erupted into chaos. Klaxons and flashing red lights were going off, and the satellite seemed to be shaking slightly. "I don't believe this... we have to go into the theater?!" Alicia exclaimed. "I guess so... if this is like the show, then all the oxygen's gonna get pumped out of here!" Tim replied. Mike seemed oddly nonplused by the ruckus around him. "Or you could put: "Big deal, we do that all the time back home. You should have seen what we did to "Starship Troopers". "A real MSTing! And we get to go into a real theater! This is so cool!" Jamie said as the Door Sequence began. "Well, if we're going to go in, someone has to yell it," Alicia stated. "Yell what?" Mike asked. "Oh, you know..." She began with a slight smile at Jamie. Jamie grinned and then shouted at the top of his lungs, "WE'VE GOT FANFIC SIIIIIGN!" [6-5-4-3-2-1] [All enter theater, and take seats close to the entrance. Left-to-right: Jamie, Tim, Alicia, and Michael] JAMIE: Oh man! We're in here! We're really in here! [bouncing up and down in his seat] ALICIA: Ooh, nice seats! Cupholders in the armrests and everything! MICHAEL: And stadium seating too... If this was Hong Kong action cinema, I'd be diggin' this. TIM: Balcony seating...at least the Mads went all out for this project. >From: "His Imperial Highness Exdeath the Destroyer" MICHAEL: a.k.a Mortimer Snerd. TIM: And member of GWAR. JAMIE : Naw... this guy doesn't have an ego... ALICIA: Jesus H. Christ! Isn't Marvel spewing out plenty of lame X-titles as is? > >To: lynxara@hotmail.com ALICIA: Me? Why me? JAMIE: I'm afraid to say anything here. I might be slapped. ALICIA [smiling]: Good call! JAMIE: Yipes! >Subject: MICHAEL: ... DIE!!! JAMIE: You're a regular ray of sunshine, ya know that, Mike? >Good evening, hairball ALICIA : Good day, hairball... MICHAEL: And all the ships at sea. JAMIE: From the opening title, you can tell he's an excellent conversationalist. >Date: MICHAEL : No thanks! ALICIA: And yet another good call! MICHAEL: Speaking of which...? ALICIA: No. MICHAEL: Damn. >Wed, 28 Oct 1998 23:19:54 PST JAMIE: Do you know where your children are? ALICIA: It's such a miracle that they can know the *exact* moment of conception nowadays, huh? JAMIE [blushing]: ALICIA! MICHAEL: Yes, but somehow I doubt this was a virgin birth. >Hello, JAMIE: Ohayoo! ALICIA: Salve! TIM: Bonjour! MICHAEL: Bye! >You don't know me, Lynxara, MICHAEL: And let's keep it that way, shall we? >but I know you, oh, very well indeed. TIM: Oscar's furry obsession continues... JAMIE: Uh... Alicia? I think you got one of those obsessive fans now. Just a guess... MICHAEL: Great... if he keeps this up, hit him with a stalking lawsuit. ALICIA: Well, at least I don't have any pets he can kill. >I have taken it upon myself to do everything in my power JAMIE: I'M THE GOD! I'M THE GOD!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!! >to see that you, and your horde ALICIA: No, no, Dark Sonic has the Horde. MICHAEL : Hey man, we're not a horde, we're a club! >of cartoon-loving, MICHAEL: And what's wrong with that? >WS9-envying, pseudo-MSTiers >are driven off the net. TIM: Wait, he forgot to mention my Canadian minions! ALICIA : Burn the witch! Burn her! MICHAEL : But how do we knows she's a witch? ALICIA : So if she... weighs the same as a duck... then she's a witch! MICHAEL & ALICIA: Burn the witch! Burn her! Burn her! >I have gone to the effort of creating this >epic tale JAMIE [imitates straining and then a plopping sound]: Ahhhhh... MICHAEL: Sick, Jamie. JAMIE: Ah, you're just jealous I did it first. ALICIA : Yes, true believers, another tale of inimitable ignorance and fantastic flamery, as only the Execrable Exdeath himself can tell it! EXCELSIOR! >to reveal everything ALICIA: Jeez, right here in public? Well, I think I've got a few dollar bills... have you been working out, Exdeath? [TIM eyes ALICIA nervously.] JAMIE [blushing]: Geez Alicia! You're worse than Marta! ALICIA: What? MICHAEL [blink, blink]: Alicia, you ever considered moving to Maryland? >that is wrong with you lot, and I >believe I shall start by simply spelling out each and every fault. TIM: Next on Springer, MSTies and the raving loons that despise them. ALICIA: 'Each and every fault'. E-A-C... JAMIE: I don't think he meant it like that. ALICIA: Whoops! Sorry. MICHAEL: Your faults: One - you suck. Two - you, uh... suck some more. Three... uh, you don't swallow. And uh... four... uh... oh yeah, you suck. >The site is rotten right through, ALICIA: *Someone* should have remembered to cover it with cheesecloth... JAMIE: He's right, Tim. The floor wood's got termites and we gotta get rid of it before the whole place collapses around us. MICHAEL: It's garish, ugly, and derelicts have used it for a toilet. The rides are dilapidated to the point of being lethal, and could easily maim or kill innocent little children. >starting from your redneck leader MICHAEL: David Gonterman is *not* our leader! [JAMIE gets up and looks at TIM's neck] JAMIE: Hang on... his neck ain't red. TIM: Will you get off?! ALICIA: No, no, no! Tim is from Kansas, therefore he is a *hick*. I hail from southwest Virginia, therefore *I'm* the redneck. Get it right! TIM: Thanks... I think. JAMIE [looks at Alicia's neck]: But yours ain't red either... ALICIA: Just sit down, Jamie. MICHAEL: I'm from Maryland, by way of San Diego and was born in Florida, what does that make me? ALICIA: Vaguely normal. >and working up. [JAMIE sits back down] JAMIE: Yeah! Where yesterday I could only bench press three pounds, today I can do three and a half! TIM : I've gotten my information from a solid, authorized source... okay, I got it from a drunk, raving source. >Thanks to his ignorant practices, ALICIA: No matter how hard we try, we just can't get him to do a good warm-up routine! He's gonna cramp up somethin' fierce... JAMIE: [looks at Timothy] You forgot to flush the toilet again, didn't you, Timothy? MICHAEL: Naw, it's just that Tim think's farting in crowded elevators is funny. TIM: I leave the toilet seat up, too. Living at home with your mom and sis, that's a *very* bad thing... >he caused many problems for, JAMIE: People with bad taste? >among other people, Mark Page and Antaeus Feldspar ALICIA: Name some of those other people, Exdeath. C'mon, no one's stopping you... MICHAEL: Feldspar doesn't need us to cause problems, he does that very well on his own. >by >promoting your and that dipshit Canuck Jeans' ALICIA: Canuck Jeans. New, from Calvin Klein. TIM: Ah yes, the most loyal of my Canadian legions. Spanning the net to Canadianize things! JAMIE: Darn it, Timothy! Don't reveal our plan to make people act nice towards each other and give free universal health care! >in your futile efforts MICHAEL: Ahem, it's Noriko time. Okay, Mr. Exdeath the Destroyer, it would help if you gave us a subject for what Alicia and Jamie are promoting. Oh, and you didn't give Jamie something to possess there. JAMIE: What the heck of his would I *want* to posses? >to discredit two such fine authors. TIM: And I'm sure those two appreciate your glowing testimonial, really. MICHAEL: Having read "Like Squid for Enema", I really have to doubt the use of the word 'fine' there. ALICIA: Whoa, whoa, whoa! That implies that *I* riffed 'Usagi is Dead, Hip, Hip, Hooray', and I did *no* such thing. I just rip off Megane's Holocabana, not his whole shtick. JAMIE: You know, I'm not sure if I should be appalled, pissed off, or laughing my ass off about now... and the way he's speaking makes it seem like I'm your boyfriend or something, Alicia. MICHAEL: Back off Jamie, I was here first. ALICIA: I sense you're reading into this, Jamie. And Mike... JAMIE : I wish I had a girlfriend... MICHAEL: Ditto. TIM [to Alicia, slightly blushing]:It's the Fangirl pheromones. I guess we can't help it. ALICIA: Huh. I must exude a scent not unlike Robotech episodes, then. >Also, how could you fuck with A sorceror, a demon, and emeralds, >bitch? MICHAEL: Easy, the story blew chunks. Next stupid question? ALICIA: Lots of condoms and lubricant. Why do you ask? JAMIE [blushing]: GAHHH!!! [MICHAEL bends over laughing] TIM: Umm...Alicia? ALICIA: *What?* MICHAEL: You go, girl! >Kefka is one of the best, JAMIE: Best being given a new meaning here. >if not *the* best, fanfic author on the Net, ALICIA: Then I weep for the state of fan fiction today. TIM: Thus, I present this anti-fic, to bring integrity and respect to Kefka's work... MICHAEL: Bzzzzzzzzzzzzt! Wrong! And thanks for playing! Off hand, I'd say Stefan Gagne is the best fanfic author I've read and possibly one of the best on the net. JAMIE: Yeah! Screw Greenbeans and Mark Berger and Richard Lawson and all those other talentless hacks! Kefka is the *BEST*! >and you lot are real pricks for daring to attack him, JAMIE: Riffing a crappy fanfic is attacking? That's a new definition on offense I've never heard about. >or anyone else for that matter. MICHAEL: Translation: criticize someone's work and you're evil. This sounds like Gonterman speaking here. TIM [Flatly]: Yes we are bitter, bitter writers, and we're full of hate. >But then again, I shouldn't expect taste >from a bunch of wrestling fankids like yourselves. ALICIA: 'Fankids'? Sounds like a DiC cartoon from the early nineties. JAMIE: Hey, get it straight! We're Otaku! Fan*boys*!!! ALICIA: A-*HEM*. JAMIE: And fangirls. ALICIA: Thank you. MICHAEL: Woah, wait a minute. I am not a wrestling fan, and I am 31 years old, so bite me, fan boy! Besides, anyone with taste watches Jackie Chan flicks! JAMIE: Or John Woo. MICHAEL [stands with arms upraised]: Da man!!! ALICIA: Jamie, *you* watch wrestling. JAMIE: Yeah, but you don't see me drooling over the wrestlers. ALICIA [grins]: At least not out in public, right? >You all have the mentality of 12-year-olds! JAMIE: Thanks... ALICIA: I'm sorry, did you want it back? TIM: Ow. My self-esteem. Why don't you call us gangstas while you're at it? MICHAEL: In that case, I'm an OG and all of you are TGs. >Then, we have the Author Avatar Arena. JAMIE: Don't remind me... every time I show up there, I either get kidnaped or get the crap kicked out of me. MICHAEL: That should tell you something, shouldn't it? >A shitty attempt at humour if >ever there was one. TIM [smirks and looks to Alicia]: Well, us humble crackers try our best. ALICIA [smirks back]: Well, a stupid *woman* co-writes it! What does he expect? MICHAEL: More sex scenes? JAMIE: I swear, Michael, that if you had breasts and long black hair... >Imagine! TIM: ...yourself in a Mercury. JAMIE: An idiot writing a stupid, flaming, e-mail... ALICIA : Come with me and see a world filled with pure imagination... MICHAEL: What is a song by John Lennon? Alex, I'll take One Word Song Titles for 200 please. >Having the works of such fine authors >as Kefka, JAMIE: Hey, Kefka, this guy is claiming your work! Use the almighty power of AOL to smite him! MICHAEL: AOL couldn't find it's almighty power with both hands and a flashlight. >or even the Great Red Serpent TIM: Yeppers. Us unenlightened monkeys can't see the artistic beauty of the life-reviving power of necrophilia. Silly us. ALICIA: I admit it. Riffing such fine notions as the Overfiend/Sailor Moon tentacle fic and the dark Sonic the Hedgehog lemon was totally out of line. I regret it completely. MICHAEL: Really? ALICIA [smirking]: I also renounce professional wrestling as a fake sport and MSTing as a pastime for computer geeks who have no talent and can't get dates. In fact, I think I'll shave my head and set fire to my comic book collection next! [JAMIE fishes in his pocket for a moment and pulls out a lighter] JAMIE [chuckles]: Here ya go! MICHAEL: Naw, give it to me. [ALICIA sighs.] >turned into ridiculous caricatures JAMIE: Ohhh... a disciple of Warrior and Feldspar... wonderful... >of themselves like those sweaty, ALICIA [grins]: Just means those poor boys work so *hard* in the ring... JAMIE: Alicia, you're drooling. >fat, pseudo-actors that >you seem to worship so much. TIM: Well, considering guys like Hogan, pseudo-actor would be an apt word. MICHAEL: I dunno, mentioning Hogan and acting in the same sentence seems to be stretching it. JAMIE: I would pay good money to see this Exdeath guy say that to either Bill Goldberg or Mark Calloway's face. ALICIA: Well, Exdeath, if you looked like Adam Copeland, I'd worship you too. Somehow, though, I'm betting you're more of a Rick Steiner or Giant Silva type. [ALICIA shudders] MICHAEL: Hey, Alicia, I bet you're tickled that Jesse "The Body" Ventura is governor of Minnesota. ALICIA: It is the greatest triumph of my people. Now, if we can get Ric Flair in the Senate... >So, consider this a gift of sorts. ALICIA: You know, in the 'flaming bag of dog poo on your doorstep' or 'sexually transmitted disease' sense. JAMIE: Why, thank you! It's not Christmas or anything, but thanks nonetheless. MICHAEL: Jamie, you may want to re-think that. >Go ahead, I *dare* you to MST this. TIM [sighs]: Bring it on, Monkey Lad. ALICIA : DARE! Dare to believe that you can survive! >You won't, I know, because *you* know I'm right! JAMIE : Yes... you're right... how could we ever argue against such valid points. MICHAEL: Yeah, right. Daring this bunch to MST something is like handing Ken Starr a rumor of scandal. You *know* they're going to get into it! >Suck it down. MICHAEL: Now he thinks he's Duke Nukem! ALICIA: Well, I don't do that till I've seen some money. And, quite frankly, if you have time to sit around and write this crap, I seriously doubt you could afford me. TIM [shocked]:ALICIA?! ALICIA: What, what?! JAMIE: Whoa... harsh, lady... I like! MICHAEL: Show Alicia the money! Show Alicia the money! Show Alicia the money! Show... Uh... Alicia? How much *are* you? ALICIA [smiling]: If I told you, Mike, I'd have to kill you. >***** JAMIE: Star light... star bright... I hope the assassin's bullets find Exdeath tonight. >-\|/-\|/-\|/-\|/-\|/-\|/-\|/-\|/-\|/-\|/-\|/-\|/-\|/-\|/-\|/-\|/-\|/-\|/- >\|/-\|/ TIM: Oh it's one of those mental test pictures. What do you see, gang? MICHAEL: Nice fence. JAMIE: Ahh!! It's children of the corn! Children of the corn! We're gonna have a cheap Overfiend monster attack!!! AHHH!! ALICIA: Look, Tim! Exdeath put a cornfield in the fanfic so you'd feel at home! Isn't that nice? TIM: Ah, yes, Kansas: the *Bread* State. >DARK SVAM JAMIE : It was a dark and stormy vault... TIM: I forgot to pay the electric bill. Sorry, gang! >Chapter ONE MICHAEL: A New Hope. JAMIE: Duh-dun-dun-DUUUUUUHHH!!! ALICIA: Chapter... Sweet Jesus, that implies there's gonna be *more*! >-\|/-\|/-\|/-\|/-\|/-\|/-\|/-\|/-\|/-\|/-\|/-\|/-\|/-\|/-\|/-\|/-\|/-\|/- >\|/-\|/ JAMIE: AHHH!!! It's the children of the corn again! AHHH!!! ALICIA: "Got the Life" is a great song. I just felt the need to point that out. > It was day. TIM: Now, *that* is a solid opening description! >High noon, in fact, JAMIE : Fact... was it or was it not high noon when you wrote this fanfic? ALICIA: And none of those bastard townsfolk were helping out the sheriff! Damn them all straight to hell! MICHAEL: Gary Cooper's going to have to go it alone. By the way, did you know that "High Noon" runs in real time? If you start the movie at like 10:42, the 'high noon' showdown will occur at 12:00. ALICIA: Hey, we'll have to try that some time... >but for those unfortunate enough to live under >the plate, in the Shinjitropolis slums, [ALICIA breaks out into slightly hysterical laughter.] ALICIA: Oh, *this* looks familiar! Look, they sent us an Evangelion darkfic! They must've thrown Shinji Ikari into the Black LCL of Evil! MICHAEL: Should I bother to get hooked on Evangelion? Or am I just asking for trouble? JAMIE: No, you're asking for hours of depression and cool Mecha. >the distinction made little difference. MICHAEL: I take it that's a Final Fantasy 7 reference, isn't it? JAMIE: Yup... TIM: Blatant Midgar rip-off. Very Kefka-esque. [TIM pauses for a moment.] TIM: Shinji.... tropolis... >Between the pollution spewing from the Mako reactors JAMIE: Shameless Game ripoff # 1... >that powered the city, and the obscuring plate that loomed above, ALICIA [sighs]: Yes, Kefka's great contribution to fanfic writing everywhere... a total inability to design an evil city that is NOT directly ripped off from a video game. MICHAEL: Could be worse, we could be "Knee Deep in the Dead". >day and night blurred into a continuous >grey nightmare. MICHAEL: Sort of like this story, eh? ALICIA: Or like listening to the Dave Matthews Band! TIM: But enough about Newark... >As for those unlucky souls who rotted away in Shinji's dungeon, JAMIE: Maybe if they turned the refrigeration up, the meat would last longer. TIM : Submit, dammit! Submit! BOO-YAH! ALICIA: Yes, the poor pitiful victims of the unholy overlord Tim McLees and his hordes of *Canadians* and *minorities*! MICHAEL: And revisionist history teachers. JAMIE: Yes! Us Canadians will rule the world with niceness and universal health care! BWAHAHAHAHA!!! >the grey nightmare was black as pitch... ALICIA: Mister Pitch? TIM: My dungeon. Oh, this'll be great. It's SVAM, ala Bobby G! JAMIE: Bob G... urge to kill... blinding... MICHAEL: Hey, Tim, I bet Amnesty International is all over your ass for human rights violations. > "AHHHHHHHH! NOOOOOOO!" MICHAEL : Don't make me read this! JAMIE : I'm getting paid *this* much for this fanfic? AHH!!! NO!!! ALICIA: Dear God! They're making someone watch Ernest 'The Cat' Miller spots! TIM: NO MORE DISNEY SHOWTUNES! AIEEE! > "Tell me where the Sword of Omens is, rebel!" JAMIE: Omens? Oh, the sharp plot device from Thundercats. MICHAEL: If this is a diplomatic mission, where is the ambassador? > "Never!" JAMIE: But you gotta go to the bathroom sooner or later. ALICIA & MICHAEL: Never say never... again. > Megane, Shinji's liutenant, bellowed in rage and thrust hirself, MICHAEL: Ahem... : That's 'lieutenant'. JAMIE [shudders]: God, that's creepy how you did that... TIM: 'hirself'? ALICIA: Oh, *look*. Half-assed gender neutral hermaphrodite-friendly Peter David pronouns. Whoopee. MICHAEL: You should talk to my friend Steve. >once again, deep inside CGold. TIM: Ummm... yeah. JAMIE: Sweet Jesus! Megane is... and CGold is... and they're... I... uh... hello, floor. [JAMIE hits the floor with a resounding thud.] ALICIA: I think Jamie just spoke for all of us. MICHAEL : That boy's just not right. >"Tell me!" s/he screamed. > "Over my dead body!" MICHAEL: That can be arranged. ALICIA: Yeah, some necrophilia would brighten this fanfic right up. > "THAT CAN BE ARRANGED!!!!!!!" Megane thundered. MICHAEL: Oops. TIM [Leans back into his seat]: Ack! Reverb! >S/he thrust hirself into CGold TIM: He's got a name, dude, it's Chris. ALICIA: Oh, like Exdeath cares. MICHAEL : That boy just keeps whacking and whacking... >one last time, enjoying the intense pain s/he was giving to the rebel scout, >then leapt off and walked over toward the firepit, reached in, and withdrew a >redhot knife. MICHAEL : Ow, ow, hot, ow ow, hot, owww! TIM: That wasn't very smart, Megane. ALICIA: I always liked redhots as a kid... all sugary and cinnamony... JAMIE: Oww... [JAMIE gets back up in his chair] JAMIE: That scene hurt... > "You can kill me," said CGold gravely. JAMIE: But I'll get better... MICHAEL: But I'll become more powerful than you can possibly imagine. >"But you'll never learn the whereabouts of the Sword." ALICIA: Famous last words, anyone? MICHAEL: Rosebud. TIM : My, what a noble character. JAMIE: Cliche number one: The Noble hero. > "You're right about one thing, rebel." Megane said evilly. JAMIE: Knievely? ALICIA: Hey! That's my riff! JAMIE [smiles]: You got to be quick. >"I can kill you." JAMIE : Hasta la vista, baby. >S/he pulled back and rammed the knife up to its hilt in Cgold. TIM : Look out, he's got a knife! MICHAEL: I detect far too much ramming and thrusting in this fic. Someone has some severe Freudian symbolism problems. > CGold screamed as the scent of burning flesh filled the air. ALICIA: Hemorrhoids. The itching. The burning. Try new extra-strength Preparation H. JAMIE [turning slightly green]: Who's up for a barbeque? MICHAEL: Red Hot and Blue! Oh, yeah! TIM : Charbroiled CGold, now with the great taste of Evil, only at the Sirloin Stockade! > "GWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!" laughed Megane, JAMIE: Isn't that like the laugh Vince used in that wrestling post? ALICIA: Exdeath is Oracle! This proves it! TIM: Stock maniacal laughter. Megane is oh-so-evil. MICHAEL: The horrors of method acting. >as s/he pleasured hirself, ALICIA: In what way? After all, now that Megane's a herm, he's got lots of options when it comes to masturbation. JAMIE [blushing]: I would say something... but you'll probably ignore me and go on making sick comments. ALICIA: You'd be right. MICHAEL: "Hir"? Man, they're using that bullshit PC gender neutral crap again! ALICIA: Worst thing about this scene, isn't it? MICHAEL: Uhm... I'm thinking, gimme a minute. >aroused by the horrific odor. JAMIE : Mmmm... smells like chicken! >After s/he was done, s/he savagely jerked the >knife a last time, silencing CGold forever. ALICIA: Lucky bastard! He's already out of the fanfic! MICHAEL : I am damn dissatisfied to be killed in this manner. JAMIE: Sweet Jesus! He pulled a 'Planet of the Apes' and cut his tongue out! > "Rest in pieces, rebel," Megane said, ALICIA: The Undertaker's not gonna be happy with you, Megs... JAMIE: None of us are happy with Megane right now! >as s/he licked CGold's blood, mingled >with hir own juices, from hir fingers. JAMIE: Finger licking good. TIM: Guh... thanks for sharing that, Exdeath, we really needed that. MICHAEL: Pardon me while I vomit. ALICIA: Oh, okay, he was fingering himself. Thanks for clearing that up, story! > Shinji's throne room was as dark as the dungeon, perhaps moreso. JAMIE : MORESO!!! ALICIA: ASADAE 3. Seen it, riffed it, hated it, looks like I'll be doing it again. >Grotesque >carvings covered every wall and ceiling in the room, TIM: Multiple ceilings! I'm doin' quite nice, it seems! >bas reliefs JAMIE: 'Bas Relief'? What the heck does that mean? And why the heck is this such a bad rip off of ASADAE? ALICIA: One, 'Bas reliefs' are pictures carved on a wall, and two, because Exdeath is apparently an even worse writer. JAMIE: Ah... TIM : I questioned bass as an art medium, but the decorator seemed to like it. >depicting horrid creatures ALICIA: TELETUBBIES! JAMIE: CARE BEARS!!! MICHAEL: Barney? TIM: Offer burnt sacrifices to the Sun Baby today! >inflicting unspeakable tortures ALICIA: GLACIER MATCHES! MICHAEL: Ahhhh!!! It's an independent prosecutor! >upon their unfortunate victims. MICHAEL: Ah... the boys from AD Vision are at it again. JAMIE: [deep breath] And so the inhuman preposterous psychotic diabolical masters of amoral acts did abduct four adults to perform callous experiments with which to crack their coherence in order to originate an appalling tale for which to cast upon the world and conquer those poor souls whom had been subdued by the terror of the released story. [panting] [The others applaud politely] >The room was essentially bare, JAMIE: [panting] And... *gasp* hopefully nothing... *gasp* *wheeze* else... >with but two prominent features: MICHAEL: Naga the White Serpent's breasts. JAMIE [getting better]: *gasp* a table and... *wheeze* a bottle of tylenol... TIM: You need a cough drop or something, Jamie? JAMIE [gasping]: Just fine... >Shinji's huge MICHAEL [snickers]: Yeah, right. >throne, ALICIA: He had the grandest toilet in all creation. >carved from a single block of marble, JAMIE: Ohh... pretty... I want one! MICHAEL: Yes, but what would yo do with a brain if you had one? >and Shinji himself. JAMIE: The big man! The boss man! Head guy! Umero uno! TIM [stands up, boldly]:Yup, Big Papa Shinji's in tha house! ALICIA: Does that mean you'll be wearing a picture of your face on your crotch now? MICHAEL: Hey, Tim, can I be one of your witless minions? >It was into this gloomy picture JAMIE: Modern or Renaissance? >that Megane walked, fearing his lordship's wrath. TIM : Say, Megane, could you hand me a magazine? JAMIE : Sorry... all we've got is a 'Canadian Living'. ALICIA: And Mortis? No, wait, it's Kanyon now... > The enormous Saiyan-jin TIM [laughs]: Oh of course I am! ALICIA: 'Saiyan-jin'? Jeez, that hurts like reading 'Serena Tsukino.' JAMIE: Alright! You're a Saiyan, Tim! Do a kamehameha! Please? MICHAEL: So Tim, now you're Oscar? TIM: ... >rose from his throne and looked down at Megane. "So," >he rumbled. "Where is it?" [Everyone shakes about in their seats.] JAMIE: Geez... I think we need to turn the bass down. Any higher and the satellite will crack apart. ALICIA: Tonight, the part of Tim McLees will be played by James Earl Jones. MICHAEL: Man, it's like watching the shuttle lift off. > "Sir?" asked Megane, confusedly. JAMIE: A shame, too... I guess all of those fanfics finally got to him. ALICIA : Or madam, whichever makes you most happy... MICHAEL: It? C'mon, don't you know what *it* is? > "The Sword of Omens, Megane. JAMIE : The future plot device for crying out loud! >The Sword whose location you swore you would be >able to extract from the rebel scout. Where is it?!?" TIM : I need to get it before Christmas! Come on! ALICIA : Well, remember where they found those gerbils last month? JAMIE : It was in the closet where you left it, milord. Remember? MICHAEL: Well, this guy Arthur has it, see... and he says it's his, see... and, uh... > "I... ulp... was unable to obtain its location, my lord." JAMIE: You know... referring to Timothy and having the word 'lord' in the same sentence always make me respond in the same manner: laughter. > "DO YOU THINK I'M STUPID, MEGANE? MICHAEL: Tim, how much will you pay me not to answer that? TIM: Don't make me shoot you, Mike. ALICIA : Well, I *was* kind of hoping you'd be feeling a bit absent-minded at the moment... JAMIE : Then you must SLEEP!!! >I KNOW YOU WEREN'T ABLE TO GET IT!" >Shinji screamed JAMIE [holding ears]: There goes my hearing... MICHAEL: Tim? If you knew the answer to the question, why did you bother to ask? TIM :What do you want from me? I'm EVIL, dammit! >as his battle aura glowed a bright red. TIM: Uh-oh, Limit Break... ALICIA: Look! Shinji's Wolfpac! MICHAEL: Ah yes, law of anime number 10, I think. Good guys glow blue, bad guys glow red. JAMIE: AHH!! My eyes! > "Am I... to be punished, my lord?" Megane said, already on his hands and >knees. ALICIA: Hmmm... I wonder if that's too easy... aw, screw it. ASSUME THE POSITION!! JAMIE : Oh... punish me! Punish me! With the whip! The whip! MICHAEL: Jamie, *you* sound like Marta there. [JAMIE pauses, and then shudders] > "No, you leather-clad imbecile! ALICIA: Sable? JAMIE: So Megane highlights as a Sailor Starlight from time to time. TIM: Ah, standard evil issue. All villains and minions must wear little pants... MICHAEL: That you for that wonderful mental image. TIM: Gyuh... Sorry, guys. >Get out of my sight, I must think!" MICHAEL: This should take some time... JAMIE: You can almost see the smoke coming out of his ears. > Megane scuttled off, cowering the whole way. TIM : Grovel, get over here! ALICIA: Fortunately, the rare Megane crab has an extra-tough shell and can move with surprising speed. JAMIE : Cower, cower, cower... wow, allot of dust on the floor. Someone oughta clean it up... cower, cower, cower... >He was nearly out of earshot ALICIA: Now *there's* an interesting idea for an Olympic event... >when >he heard a roar of "KAMEHAMEHA!" and the sound of exploding marble. MICHAEL: Is there anyone that doesn't know that attack? TIM: Well, I haven't seen Mihoshi do a ki blast yet. JAMIE: To release stress, take it out on black marble thrones. It'll cost you a bundle, but it's better then getting gray hairs. ALICIA: Uh-huh. So Exdeath's version of 'brilliant' is just mashing together random elements from totally unrelated anime and video games. MICHAEL: Maybe Exdeath is responsible for those Jean Claude van Damme movies. > "Damn those rebels!" Shinji hollered TIM : Damn you, Duke Boys! ALICIA: Shinji *is* Grand Moff Tarkin! MICHAEL: No way, Tarkin was way more cool. >as marble shards rained down around him. JAMIE : *BONK* Oww... *BONK* Oww... *BONK* Oww... ALICIA : It can't rain all the time, the sky won't fall forever, and though the night seems long, your tears won't fall forever. MICHAEL: And once again we should have a moment of silence for Brandon Lee. >He looked about at the devastation wrought by his awesome ki blast with a fierce >grin. "Arsenal!" JAMIE: The grin was so fierce it wiped itself off his face and attacked him. Oh the humanity! ALICIA: ARSENAL! ARSENAL! ARSENAL! TIM [whipping a fist in the air]: Whoop! Whoop! Whoop! MICHAEL: Alicia, what are you...? ALICIA: Look, it makes about as much sense as that last sentence. > With a hiss of hydraulics, the enormous ED-209 JAMIE: On loan from the next Robocop movie. MICHAEL: Oh, great. This is getting to be as bad as some of those crossovers in the vault. >designated Arsenal XIII entered Shinji's throne room. ALICIA: Arsenal XIII?! He's done, like, one MiSTing! Exdeath must *really* have a lot of time on his hands... JAMIE [muttering]: As well as some other sticky stuff... MICHAEL: Uhm... I feel really lost. I haven't heard of half of these people. ALICIA: Rookies. Exdeath is being really thorough. >"Input command," he intoned in a deep, synthesized voice. JAMIE: Oh no! It's Tom Servo on steroids! TIM : I desire a munchie. Something light and chocolatey! ALICIA : Orders: You must rip off the Robot from 'Lost in Space' at all times. > "Guard my door for the next several hours. JAMIE : Why? Is it made of gold or something? >If anyone tries to enter, kill them." he stated coldly, ALICIA: What, so its okay if they just decide to go up to the door and hang around for awhile? JAMIE [shivers]: Brr... God, it's cold. Someone turn up the heat. MICHAEL: Ahem... allow me. : Make sure the Prince doesn't leave this room until I come and get him. TIM : Not... to leave the room... even if you come and get him. MICHAEL : No. *Until* I come and get him. TIM : Until you come and get him, we're not to enter the room. >and turned to leave through a previously unseen passage. ALICIA: Ooh, it's an AD & D castle! It's mutating new hallways all the time! TIM :"You're in a 20 x 20 room with... 50 orcs... all armed with daggers, yeah!" JAMIE : *BONK* Oww! My nose! Guess there ain't no passage here... >"Oh, and have this cleaned up," he said, gesturing at the remains of his >throne. MICHAEL: Sorry about the mess. ALICIA: Good idea! His dark throne room is probably an unsightly shade of brown now. > "Acknowledged," thundered the huge robot, [Everyone is shaken out of their seats.] JAMIE: I thought I had asked for the bass to be turned down, not up! MICHAEL: I wanna use this theater to watch "Hard Boiled"... no, "The Killer"... no, "Big Trouble in Little China"! [Everyone gets back into their seat.] >though his master had already exited >through the passageway. TIM : Brain the size of a planet and I'm *blocking a door* for you... > Shinji stormed, in a rage, ALICIA: As opposed to storming in a state of delusional bliss? JAMIE : Hurricane Shinji hit the coast of Florida early this morning and appears to be heading steadily in a North West direction... >into his private quarters. JAMIE: The ones only *he* would use at the arcade. ALICIA: Whoa! I thought only Marilyn Manson could do that! >He went to an >incospicuous door near his bed, MICHAEL : That's 'inconspicuous'. > and opened it to reveal a disheveled cat-girl, >shackled to the wall by her hands and feet. MICHAEL: Aw... the anime cat girl. Yet another clue that this is an AD Vision film. JAMIE: Sweet Jesus! It's the long lost third sister of Ana and Umi Puma! MICHAEL: No way, she's not big enough... uh, I mean tall enough. JAMIE: Uh-huh... ALICIA [As sudden realization dawns]: ... oh, *no*... TIM [Looks in shock at ALICIA]: Ah, *crap*... > "Lynxara, my dear," hissed Shinji. JAMIE: Oh no! Oh god! Alicia! You've been Kefkarized! ALICIA: Yup, I thought so. Guys, if you'll excuse me... [ALICIA walks to the opposite end of the theater] ALICIA: AAAARRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHH!! [ALICIA then walks back to her seat] MICHAEL: Feeling better? ALICIA: A little bit. >"Prepared to provide your master with this >evening's entertainment?" Shinji looked at her expectantly. JAMIE [pathetically hopeful]: With a game of scrabble, right? Or a nice wrestling pay-per-view on the big screen, right? Right? TIM : I wish to play Yahtzee! > "Of course, my lord." Lynxara stated hopelessly. "Your wish is my >command." ALICIA: ... MICHAEL: Really? Hey Alicia... [ALICIA shoots MICHAEL a glare as cold and icy as death itself.] MICHAEL: ... never mind. TIM: That's the strong, confident girl I call my friend! [TIM looks over to the glowering ALICIA, and edges away quickly.] JAMIE : I AM LAME KEFKA CLONE. ALL FEMALES SHALL BE SALLYIZED. RESISTANCE IS FUTILE. > "You... you no longer fear me," Shinji whispered. "Come here!" MICHAEL: Or come now, I'm not picky. ALICIA: What, right when she's all chained up that? That's awfully tacky... JAMIE: Uh... you're awfully calm, Alicia. You okay? MICHAEL: Alicia, you're as sick as I am... I like that. ALICIA: Go with what Michael said, Jamie. > Shinji savagely tore Lynxara's restraints from the wall and flung her on the >bed. JAMIE : I can fly! I can fly! ALICIA: Three points! MICHAEL: Uhm... let me guess, this is Shinji's idea of foreplay, right? >"You will relearn your fear and respect, little bitch!" TIM : You will eat your veggies UND YOU VIL LIKE IT! SCHNELL! JAMIE: Gee, Timothy, you're such a ladies man. TIM [offended]: Look! That's *not* me doing that, 'kay? MICHAEL: Beware, your bones are about to be disconnected! ALICIA: You know, I'm getting a real frightening picture of Exdeath's idea of gender roles from this. > Lynxara sighed. JAMIE : Ho hum... another night of sex and rape... ho hum, ho hum... ALICIA: Our noble, feisty, battered-but-not-beaten heroine, ladies and gentlemen. MICHAEL: Beaten? Bets? >She had seen Shinji in his rages before, rages that, more often >than not, Lynxara herself bore the brunt of. ALICIA: Exdeath, could you even *pretend* that you're not just taking lines out of ASADAE and pasting my name in place of Sally's? Please? [TIM grumbles bitterly.] >She lay down on the bed and closed >her eyes, hoping only that Shinji would be quick and merciful. JAMIE: Just like this fanfic. MICHAEL: I shall be merciful and quick! Uh... that's from a Star Trek episode, but I don't know what one. TIM [Looks over to ALICIA, stammering]: Uh...Uhm... ALICIA [growing agitated]: Yes, *Lynxara*, just bow down in front of the evil captor who's going to molest you. No, really, go right ahead! Spread your legs out nice and wide while you're at it! JAMIE: Alicia? Do you need a time out? MICHAEL: Jamie? If Alicia starts to throttle you I'm not pulling her off. > "None of that, little one! ALICIA: NO!! Shinji's really... Lwaxana Troi! JAMIE: Hey! She maybe only five feet four inches tall, but she's hardly little. ALICIA [glancing down at her chest]: I dunno, the poor things barely fill a B-cup. JAMIE [blushes]: ALICIA!!! MICHAEL: Hey Alicia, remember what Marta said: 'More than a mouthful is wasted!' TIM [brains Michael with a foam bat]: Naughty little monkey! ALICIA: How did you... TIM: Oh, umm... a little stress reliever from work. >I'm going to teach you why you should fear me!" JAMIE : I'm a pathetically cloned rip-off of a cliche villain from a show based on a crappy game... wait a minute! TIM : I'll teach you why... in my new motivational video! >roared Shinji. ALICIA [laughs]: *Roared*? Tim roars about like an electric fan. TIM : Please fear me. MICHAEL : I'm so scared. >"Perhaps..." he said, a vicious grin growin. ALICIA: Growin' and bloomin' and livin' in the warm sunshine. >"Perhaps a new strategy is in order." MICHAEL: Maybe I'll be nice to you. JAMIE: Okay, this time I take the front and you take the rear. Now when I shout 'hut' three times, you fall back and I hike you the ball. Then you... ALICIA : Perhaps I should use blue cards instead of green ones in my deck. TIM : I'll call it "Counter-palooza"! > "M... my lord?" said Lynxara, growing fearful. > "Mmm... no, my dear. Fair pleading, but too little, too late." TIM : Decent whimpering, but needs a more pathetic tone. I give it a B-. >Shinji then tore his pants away JAMIE: AH! I'm blinded! >with one hand, ALICIA: Talk about your shoddy construction! Cheap Made-in-China Levi's... >and whipped his tail forward. MICHAEL: Tail? Oh yeah, laughing boy here is a Saiya-jin. JAMIE: Ah! I'm mentally scarred! ALICIA : Now whip it! Into shape! TIM: Whip out your magata! [TIM receives some horrified looks] TIM: It's a kind of sword from medieval England. Sheesh... MICHAEL: 'Magata'? Tim, I've never heard of a magata; what part of England and when? TIM [sighs]: Fine. I saw it in a skit at the Ren Fest, okay? ALICIA: The Ren Fest? HUZZAH! > "Now, my dear, let's see what I can do with," he said, lashing his tail about. >"This." ALICIA: ... JAMIE: This gives a whole new meaning to... uh... actually, this is a first for me. ALICIA: Well, I've gotta give Exdeath points for originality, anyway. MICHAEL: Been done. ALICIA: Really? Good, now I don't have to give Exdeath anything. > Shinji knelt over Lynxara's submissive, prone form, [ALICIA makes a strangled noise of rage and grips the armrest of her chair a bit more tightly.] [TIM brains himself with the foam bat.] JAMIE: Once we get off of here, I'm siccing every women's group I know of on the author. >but instead of simply pressing himself into her, ALICIA: ... he thrust madly into her, nearly crushing her with the force of his deep, passionate strokes... [ALICIA then notices everyone staring at her] ALICIA: What? JAMIE [blushing]: Do you like seeing me this shade of red? MICHAEL: You read a lot of romance novels? ALICIA [sighs]: Yeah. I'm a sucker for mushy stuff like that. MICHAEL [snickers]: Unhunh... >he whipped his tail between his legs and pushed it >deep inside his horrified plaything. [TIM groans and turns a slight green.] MICHAEL: Taste the sting of a Draconian stunstick, Earf trash! ALICIA: Wow. Akira Toriyama would *not* approve of this. MICHAEL: There's a lot of DBZ fan stuff that Toriyama wouldn't care for, I think. > "No, please," Lynxara whimpered. "Stop it. Please! PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEASE!" JAMIE: Believe me when I say that if we could stop this, I would be the first to do it. ALICIA: EEEYYYYAAAA!! YAGETE! YAGETE, KUDASAAAIIIII!!! MICHAEL: What the hell was that? ALICIA: Oh, that's my 'hentai girl' impression. Not bad, huh? MICHAEL: Dunno, what did you say? ALICIA: Oh, I think it's nice generic screaming and 'Stop! Please, stop!' kind of lines. JAMIE: How the hell did you know... no, I'm not asking. > Shinji relished JAMIE: But forgot the ketchup and mustard. >in the screams of agony. He needed it, craved it. TIM: When yiffing goes horribly wrong! ALICIA : You bring me closer to God! JAMIE: Yearned it, savored it, loved it, healed it, grew it, killed it... sorry, got a bit off track there. > "Yes, my little one, scream for me! SCREAM!" MICHAEL: Okay... AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! TIM : For ice cream! JAMIE: That was a lousy movie. ALICIA : But I *hate* Neve Campbell! Noooo!! > "STOOOOP!" JAMIE: Stoop? I kinda thought she would be screaming stop instead of stoop. MICHAEL : No. Don't. Stop. No. Don't. Stop. Don't Stop. Don't. Stop. Don't stop. > "GYAHAHAHAHAHA!" MICHAEL: Tim, I think you need to seek therapy. TIM: That's not me, dammit! JAMIE: That's what sex sounds like? Sounds kind of... goofy. ALICIA: Well, you have to remember who's writing this, Jamie. JAMIE: Ah... > "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" ALICIA: Damn. Some fine 'La Blue Girl' dialogue here, huh? JAMIE [holding hands over ears]: AHH!!! Not twice in one fanfic! Tylenol, tylenol... where forth art thou Tylenol? >Lynxara screamed, bucked several times, JAMIE: Ride em, cowboy! >and collapsed in a sobbing heap. TIM : "Please don't double dog me!" ALICIA: Tim, I'm impressed! I don't even know what that means! MICHAEL: Yeah, but I can guess. > "Awww," giggled Shinji. JAMIE: Now *that*... [JAMIE points at the giggling Shinji] JAMIE: ... is disturbing. TIM: I'm going to sulk in a corner now... ALICIA : She's so cute when she's a tortured wreck! >"Is that all? I think not." And with that, Shinji >unceremoniously rammed his tail into Lynxara's back entrance. ALICIA: O_O TIM [weakly]: Usable only during store hours... ALICIA [turning slightly green]: The white zone is for loading and unloading only. The red zone is for sodomy only. MICHAEL [standing and pointing at the screen]: Again! Again with the anal intruder! What is with these people?! > Lynxara shrieked and pleaded, horrific pain coursing through her as Shinji's >tail, slick with her fluids, rammed itself into her again and again. JAMIE: And my stomach did flip-flops over and over and over... ALICIA [still green]: At least Exdeath had the presence of mind to include some kinda lubricant... TIM: Alicia, I know that's not me and that's not you but... gods... I am *so* sorry... ALICIA [nods]: I know, Tim. > "So," snarled Shinji. "Had enough, my pretty? JAMIE: In preparation for this fanfic, Shinji highlighted as the wicked witch of the West for a short while... ALICIA : And your little dog, too? >Are you prepared to give me what >I want?" MICHAEL: Uh... Shinji? What is she supposed to give you that you don't have already? JAMIE : I will get the S2 engine for my EVA... oh yes... I shall have it. ALICIA : But you want it all... and you can't have it! MICHAEL: It's in your face but you can't grab it! ALL: WHAT IS IT?! > Tears streamed from Lynxara's eyes, leaving streakes in her filthy, matted fur. >"Yes," she cried. "Anything! But, please, my lord, stop this torture." TIM : I command you to wash my laundry! MICHAEL: Paint my house! JAMIE: Do my homework! > "Very well, then, my furry toy," said Shinji, JAMIE: I can't believe the great and mighty Shinji has an Elmo doll. >pulling his tail from her. ALICIA: And then, in a sudden burst of intelligence and cat-like speed, Lynxara grabbed it! "Turnabout is fair play!" she smirked as she twitched her own tail... [JAMIE winces.] >"What remains will be... ALICIA: ...PUDDING! MICHAEL: Placed in a small zip-lock bag. JAMIE: What kind? I like chocolate. >most interesting." TIM: ... but goofy. MICHAEL : ...but schtupid. >Shinji's eyes gleamed with unholy glee. ALICIA: Aw! It looks like someone got to go to the Sabbat last night! > "What remains? But, you said..." JAMIE : No more Barney! You said no more Barney! ALICIA : But you're *evil*! You can't lie! > "DO YOU DARE QUESTION ME?!? SILENCE!" Shinji screamed JAMIE [holding hands over ears]: Gah... my ears... are they bleeding? >as he leapt from the bed TIM: Super Fujisawa... JUMP! >and retrieved the materia-laden Ultima sword. MICHAEL: A penis substitute if I ever saw one. ALICIA: Dammit, if he tries to shove *that* up my ass... JAMIE: Sephiroth's gonna be pissed you have that. >He pondered the stones for a moment, TIM : Oh, ick! These came out of *me*? MICHAEL [snickers]: Stones? >then ran his hand over a particular green orb. "Size," he uttered, and >his member instantly grew to a length of exactly 14 inches. JAMIE: For, like Tom Servo, he was now... HUGE!!! TIM: This looks like a job for the Amazing Schlong! [TIM pauses at the horrified looks] TIM: A friend of mine made him with Champions rules, frightening but true. MICHAEL : Damn, Tim, I should tell you about Underground Champions sometime. Well, that tears it, this story is a work of fiction... or written by CATS. ALICIA: Hell, it's a CATS materia! [ALICIA ponders a moment] ALICIA: Can you imagine the kind of combinations you could've come up with if one of *those* had been in the original game? JAMIE: SUPER PENIS SPURTING ATTCK! [The others stare at Jamie] MICHAEL: Where the fuck did *that* come from? JAMIE: Uh... sorry... came to me... ALICIA [smirks]: *Came* is right. > The short Lynxara looked at the engorged shaft in terror. TIM: Look out it's...SHAFT! [TIM imitates funky 70's music] ALICIA: What?! Oh, so I could take fourteen inches *no problem* if I was six feet tall! Yeah! MICHAEL: I think this is the 'women are hollow' angle from "Go, AMP, Go!". JAMIE: Yeah yeah, she's helpless and she's short. We know that already! Get on with it! Uh... the rest of the fanfic, that is... no, I meant finish the fanfic! >She attempted a final >plea for mercy, but her words were choked off. MICHAEL: By 14 inches perhaps? ALICIA : And then... the ORAL SEX! TIM : Don't talk with your mouthful! Aw, crap... ALICIA: Hmm... aren't one of us obligated to not be a pervert? Jamie, shouldn't you be yelling at us or something now? JAMIE: Sorry... hang on... [JAMIE blushes] JAMIE: AH, GOD NO!!! NO!!! ALICIA: There, that's better. > "Now then, where were we?" MICHAEL: Outta here? JAMIE: You're in a... ah, forget it. That joke gets old. >asked the evil overlord as he strode toward the bed... TIM: But I thought I was already... never mind. ALICIA: WHOO-HOO! Thank the fanfic Gods for cut-aways! > "Move and I kill you." TIM: Sounds reasonable. JAMIE: Whoa! Scene change! Didn't see that one coming. > "Hey, I'll die happy." JAMIE: I'll die happy once I have my hands around Dr. Forrester's throat... then Vince's... then Pippkin... then... > Marta MICHAEL: Marta? Man, that should have read "*BLAM!!!*, *thump*, Don't move". Oh, and I don't know whether to be pissed or pleased ALICIA : Well, as long as you're happy! *BLAM!!!* How was that? MICHAEL: Works for me. >sighed as she held her gun MICHAEL: Guns. As in more than one. If this was "Feng Shui" she'd have Both Guns Blazing and a mess of Carnival of Carnage shticks! >on the young man on the ground. "Alright," She >asked. "Just who are you, and how did you find this place?" TIM : I read the sign that said "Rebel's Secret Hideout" ALICIA: ... Mike, why isn't whoever-this-is dead now? MICHAEL: Because someone has decided to turn off Marta's brain. > The young man got up and dusted himself off. [JAMIE coughs and waves his hand through the air] JAMIE: Not so much, man... we need to breathe in here, you know. >"The name's Acid. Jack Acid, at your service. TIM: Jack Acid: Man of Action! MICHAEL: Hmmm... Jack Acid... where do I know that name from... oh, wait that's Acid Junkie, never mind. JAMIE: Oh my god... poor Jack... ALICIA: I dunno, at least he's in character. >And you are?" MICHAEL : Not your sex slave. JAMIE: At least for now... > Marta sighed again and lowered her gun. "Marta Nys, commander of the rebel >security forces." MICHAEL: Well, he must have read my stuff then, he knows her last name. TIM : I am inexplicably attracted to you... MICHAEL: Not a chance. ALICIA : Sorry if I seem a little subdued, but my character's been shot all to hell and I'm having a hard time dealing with it. > Jack cocked an eyebrow. ALICIA: The *Corporate* Eyebrow! >"Hey, pleased to meetcha, legs," he said, JAMIE : Well, they are very nice legs and... hey! Don't change the subject! MICHAEL: Ack! Shoot him, Marta! Shoot him! >smirking, causing Marta to scowl and reach for her gun. MICHAEL: MARTA!!! I write you better than that! Shoot him! ALICIA: Then Marta said "Oh, fuck it," and ripped Jack's head off with her bare hands. She proceeded to stuff it someplace very unsanitary... TIM: So, what's on Raw? JAMIE [chanting]: Do it... do it... do it... >"Hey, hey, take it easy, I didn't >mean nothing by it! So, rebel, huh? Just the people I been wanting to >see." TIM : I want to be a rebel like everyone else. MICHAEL: Rebel without a clue maybe. ALICIA: Hmmm... I take it Jack's being played by a young Harrison Ford. JAMIE: Oh man... I can't believe Jack got delegated to this role. "Just sneaking my way into the rebels to screw you and then screw everyone over." > Marta gripped her gun MICHAEL: Guns. Plural. Y'know, like Chow Yun-Fat in every John Woo movie ever made? >tighter and raised it again. "What do you mean by that?" MICHAEL: Now appearing as Marta, Sailor Moon. >she asked dangerously. JAMIE: How does one ask dangerously, anyhow? The question mark flies out and impales them? > Jack snickered, reached over, and pushed Marta's gun down. ALICIA : Ah, women! It's so cute when they try to *do* stuff! JAMIE : DJ Croft... eat your heart out. MICHAEL: Not a chance. At full power Marta can press 800 pounds easy. >"Calm down, legs, MICHAEL: MARTA!!! Shoot him! Besides, Shion's the one with the legs.... and everything else for that matter. >I'm one of the good guys. I used to be a mercenary, until I jobbed out to >Shinji. MICHAEL: Hey, Alicia, isn't 'jobbed' a wrestling term? ALICIA: Yeah, it's the term for being the loser in a match. You know, 'He jobbed to Hogan.' JAMIE: Yeah... so you could fake your friend into thinking you were a friend and then DDT'ed him into the mat and put the Sharpshooter on him and then beat him with a bat and crushed DDP's knee!!! DAMN YOU WCW BOOKERS!!! BRET'S BETTER OFF AS A GOOD GUY!!! DAMN YOU ALL!!! DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!!! [starts sobbing] ALICIA: There, there, Jamie... just let it all out. MICHAEL [blink]: And here I thought Gonterman had problems... >The bastard fucked me over, and tried to kill me. >Now, I wanna fuck him back. JAMIE [wiping away tears]: Dear god, I hope not. I don't wanna see yaoi... ALICIA: Ew! And Jack's into it! MICHAEL: Now this is starting to sound like "Boy's Night". TIM: And that's Jack's back story, right there. I really feel for him as a protagonist now. MICHAEL: Dunno, works for Stallone. And Segal. And Van Damme. >Where do I sign up?" > Marta lowered the gun again and blinked. ALICIA: Poor Marta... her brain power has been so phenomenally reduced in this fic, she's just can't do that much else. MICHAEL: Don't look at me. >"You're kidding, right? You want to join us?" JAMIE : Geez, you really are desperate for help. MICHAEL: Now Marta has been replaced by Mihoshi. > "That's right, baby!" ALICIA : YEAH, BABY! MICHAEL: Shooooooot him! Marta!!! TIM : Ya see, the man said to me "You need a gimmick" and I said to the man, "I've already got a gimmick, baby: HIGH EXPLOSIVES!" JAMIE: I'm not sure what's more amazing: The fact that Jack Acid is acting like Han Solo crossed with DJ Croft and using his aura of smooth on Marta, or the fact that Marta isn't decorating the landscape with his innards. > "Well, come on, then, I'll take you to our camp." ALICIA : Sure, I don't know you, and you're of questionable morality, but what the hell? Chances are we're all gonna end up dead anyway. JAMIE: Hey Michael, has all those cyber operations Marta got affected her brain? She's not this stupid. MICHAEL: To tell the truth, she's only this stupid when she's around Ling Ling... and then only if Ling Ling isn't wearing much. JAMIE: Perfectly understandable. > Marta walked off and gestured for Jack to follow her. TIM: A TV friendly gesture, right? ALICIA: Well, in the 'Stone Cold salute' sense... MICHAEL: Follow the bouncing thumb. >As they traveled through >the forest, Jack eyed Marta's shapely form. MICHAEL: Well, he got one thing right at least. >"Yeah, baby, you can take me there," TIM: There?! In front of everyone? I suppose... MICHAEL: That better have not been a Marta line. TIM: ... >he thought, flipping his dagger in the air. ALICIA: Unfortunately, eyeing the oddly submissive Marta made Jack so excited that he lost control. He didn't realize his hand was gone until he heard it softly hit the grass. >"I'll repay the favour and take you sometime." TIM [stunned, then]: Oh, he was serious. Of *course*... ALICIA : Okay, but I wanna get some ice cream when we go. MICHAEL: Sayyy... a clue as to Exdeath's ID. TIM: What do you mean? MICHAEL: See how he spelt favor? He spelt it 'favour', that's more inline with Australia, Canada or England. If he spells armor as armour or color as colour, odds are he's not an American. ALICIA: Well, I remember earlier on he spelt humor as 'humour'... JAMIE: Okay, are all of you gonna gang up on me now since I'm the only Canadian here? ALICIA: Considering all the Canada-bashing earlier on, it's more likely that he's from the UK or Australia. MICHAEL: And there you go. Oh, and Jack Acid? Marta's a lesbian, she doesn't *like* men. > Samantha Jones JAMIE: AHHH!!!! SWEET MOTHER OF GOD!!! NOOO!!! MICHAEL: What? You're surprised? >cast a wary eye up and down the rakish Acid's lean form. JAMIE: Kick his ass, Samantha! Do it before he kicks in his aura of smooth! TIM : Throw him back into the lake. We need to catch something bigger. ALICIA : Nah, let's fuck with him first. [MICHAEL laughs] >Jack >grinned impishly and leaned into Sam's face. "I know ya want me, ALICIA : I know you want me! I know that you want my love! >darlin', but >can't ya even be a little subtle eyeing me up like that?" TIM: Well, at least Jack's not pompous. MICHAEL: Kill him, Samantha! Oh, and who wants to bet that Jack Acid is the writer in disguise? JAMIE: Remind me to kill Jack when I get down from here. > "Who the fuck is this?!?" Samantha asked furiously. ALICIA: Oh, another member of SVAM trapped in this thing against his will. JAMIE: So in this case, the question marks savagely attack the person, ripping them limb from limb. >"And what's to keep me >from killing him right now?!?" MICHAEL: Nothing? TIM: The script, what else? ALICIA: And the fact that the author writes all of his women like Kefka's. JAMIE: Yeah! Go Samantha! Hah! My character isn't affected by Jack's aura of smooth! > "No!" Marta shouted. MICHAEL: Marta wants to kill him! TIM : He still owes me gas money from our road trip! >"Sam, don't. JAMIE : He'll make an excellent house cleaner. >This is Jack Acid, an ex-mercenary. TIM: ...and water boy. >I found >him wandering through the forest, he wants to join us!" MICHAEL : Join us... JAMIE : Geez, he really is desperate. ALICIA : Look, if he stays, you'll have to remember to feed him and clean up after himself yourself! He's not going to end up becoming *my* mercenary! > "Really? Wow." Sam stepped back a few paces. JAMIE: Carefully gauging where to stick the katana so as to cause the most pain... MICHAEL: Across the belly. That way we can enjoy watching him try and push his intestines back in as he dies. [JAMIE laughs darkly] >"So, Jack Acid, huh? I think I've heard of you." TIM : You TP'ed the Anipike last Halloween, didn't ya? JAMIE: Ordinarily a great guy, nice, helpful, bit of a pervert, but in this case he's a no good irritating SOB! ALICIA: Like I said, Jack's right in character! > "At your service, ma'am." ALICIA: IfyaknowwhatImean! > Samantha furrowed her brow for a moment, ALICIA: Once that was completed, the spring planting could begin. JAMIE : Why oh why did I take this job... god, I can feel a headache coming on... >and then shrugged and pointed toward >a thatched hut, somewhat larger than the rest of the village. "Go in >there, TIM : Behind the trees! Good boy! >and find Jolt. JAMIE: O_O MICHAEL: Congrats, Jamie, you're in this fic personally. JAMIE: No... no... >He's the leader, you can talk to him." JAMIE: Oh dear God, no... if I'm the leader... and this is based on ASADAE... then that means I'm the pathetic loser that gets everyone killed. Okay... where's the nearest airlock? I need to kiss some vacuum. TIM: C'mon, Jamie! It's just a goofy attempt at a darkfic. You've survived these before. MICHAEL : So, Jamie, are you telling us this is perfectly in character for you? JAMIE: Shut up, Michael, before I John Woo you out of the theater. > Jack tipped his hat. "Much obliged," he said, then wandered off in the >direction Samantha had directed him. ALICIA : Jack Acid was never seen again. JAMIE: *THUMP* Maybe he should have watched out for that tree. > Samantha flashed a wicked grin at Marta, MICHAEL: Alone at last... JAMIE : Dolt doesn't even realize I sent him into the latrine... >and put her arms around Marta's neck. JAMIE: @_@ MICHAEL: Hey... I can dig this. TIM: Yes... It's the Million Dollar Dream! She ain't getting out of that! ALICIA: Ye gods! Not one of the restholds of doom! JAMIE: Uh... what's going on here? No, scratch that. I *know* what's going here... >"Now then," she said. "I sent Shion out scouting, so..." ALICIA: ... so she's being forced to wear a fuku and spout cheesy, rewritten dialogue? MICHAEL: No fucking way. Shion takes orders from nobody. There is a reason why her nickname is "The Empress"! >She then began to lightly suck on Marta's ear. JAMIE [blushing]: Uh... uh... oh... uh... I... oh... TIM [blushes]: Ummm... heh... I'M NOT A HENTAI! MICHAEL: Yeah, right. ALICIA: If Exdeath had written 'suck hard', I would've made a crack about the fanfic here. > "Mmmmm..." Marta moaned. "So my house is empty." MICHAEL: And considering that I modeled Marta after Amy Lynn and Samantha after Denise Pagilia, I ain't moving. JAMIE [fighting back the blush]: So, uh... *ahem*... She's gonna help Marta clean up, right? A little dusting... a little vacuuming... right? ALICIA: Well, 'vacuuming' is an interesting term for it... MICHAEL [snickers]: Yeah, they're going to clean the carpets. TIM [glances to Michael]:Ouch... [JAMIE blushes and sighs in exasperation] > Samantha dislodged herself from Marta's ear. ALICIA: Whoa! Marta must actually *have* an ear that could cover her like a shroud! >"That's right," she said in a >silken voice, then moved in and kissed Marta passionately. JAMIE: Oh my... the lemon ideas are pouring in and I can't stop them... hello, floor... mind if I come down again? [There is an audible thump as Jamie hits the floor... again.] ALICIA: Come on, not a lesbian scene! The dialogue's boring enough already! MICHAEL: Speak for yourself. ALICIA [smirking]: Oh, I *know* I do. MICHAEL: Walked into that one. >-\|/-\|/-\|/-\|/-\|/-\|/-\|/-\|/-\|/-\|/-\|/-\|/-\|/-\|/-\|/-\|/-\|/-\|/- >\|/-\|/ ALICIA : They ain't got... what we got... CORN! MICHAEL: Hey!!! You jerk! Where's the hot two girl action?! Don't leave us hanging! ALICIA [grins]:Well, I guess that's just part of why Exdeath is evil. JAMIE [laying on the floor]: Uhhh... TIM [suddenly calm]: Well, as fun as this has been, I have some... *plans* to attend to. [ TIM calmly walks out of the theater] ALICIA: Ooookay... hey, the doors are open! MICHAEL: So, can we go now? ALICIA: Well, if Tim could leave, I guess we could. But what about caffeine boy? JAMIE [mumbling]: ... breasts... MICHAEL: Well, I hope you don't expect *me* to drag him out of here. ALICIA: Oh, so I'm going to heft him up and carry him out with my mighty 24-inch pythons. Right. MICHAEL: Look, we'll do it together, all right? ALICIA: ... MICHAEL: I meant carry him out! People must think *I* think about sex all the time... JAMIE [slowly coming to]: Lemons... fanfic... Sam and Marta... ALICIA [sighs]: I'll help as much as I can. Come on, Jamie... [With some difficulty, MICHAEL and ALICIA help JAMIE up and begin exiting the theater.] [1-2-3-4-5-6] Jamie had fully recovered by the time he'd staggered out of the tunnel with Alicia and Michael's aid. The shock of the almost lemon scene had worn off, and his mind had finally begun trying to digest the fic he had just been forced to read. Now that the experience was over, he seemed almost stunned. "Poor Lynxara..." Alicia seemed more annoyed than anything else. "She got Kefkarized, I know! It would be almost amusing if it wasn't so nauseating..." Michael's reaction was predictably sarcastic. "Yeah, well, as much fun as seeing you turned into a defenseless victim was, Alicia, I *still* can't believe how useless this guy made Marta! And Shion as a *mere scout*? Marta's scene with Samantha had potential, but of course Exdeath managed to screw *that* up, too..." Jamie glared at Michael. "Is that *all* you can say?! No hot lesbian sex scene?!" Alicia rolled her eyes at the guys and then glanced down to see a light flashing on the bridge's control console. "Now what does the Injustice Gang want?" she said irritably as she tapped the flashing red light. From Deep 13, a very enthusiastic Doctor Forrester greeted the trio. "Ahhh, Ms Ashby," Forrester announced with villainous glee. "I assume you and the Impossibles are ready to bow down and serve me now?" However, the response from Hell was not at all what Forrester was hoping for. "Not really, Doc," Michael replied flatly. Alicia nodded in agreement. "To use a little colloquialism from where I'm from... *hell* no, Forrester." "I've had more dangerous math classes," Jamie said. "I mean, yeah, it was us getting Kefkarized," Alicia continued, "but beyond that it was just a goofy attempt at a darkfic. And a shameless ripoff of a goofy attempt at a darkfic that I already riffed, to boot!" Jamie joined in, regaining his enthusiasm. "Yeah, it'll take a lot worse than that to take us down! Right, Tim?" Jamie looked around, expecting a reply, and finally noticed that Tim wasn't there. "Tim... ?" That's when Hell's speaker system kicked in. "One-Winged Angel", Sephiroth's final theme from Final Fantasy 7, boomed over the sound system and through the satellite. From one of the hallways leading off the side of the bridge, Tim strode in. But this was not the Timothy they knew. This Timothy possessed a commanding aura of authority, and was dressed all in black clothing he had managed to find somewhere in the satellite. He even had a dark trenchcoat of the kind that's surprisingly common in modern fiction. The trio of authors paused, uncertain of what to make of the his intimidating, sinister presence. Tim simply stood before and folded his arms, shooting a cool glance to the Viewscreen. He sneered and nodded slyly at his 'friends'... In Deep 13, Rufus had begun very noticeably fidgeting from the moment the music cued up. He twitched fearfully in the background, Dr. Thinker and Heidegger doing their best to calm him, as Dr. Forrester grinned triumphantly. Vince McMahon turned to the Viewscreen, a smug smile on his face. "You were saying?" McMahon smirked. Already, one of the Authors had turned to the Dark Side. On Hell, Dark Tim gazed darkly at his friends. Despite the fact that several minutes had passed, "One-Winged Angel" was *still* playing. Michael sighed and glanced irritably down at his pager. Jamie squirmed with characteristic impatience. Alicia had already gotten bored and began occupying herself with a mysteriously convenient Gameboy. Tim finally turned back to the camera and arched his eyebrow in a very sinister fashion (provoking some grumbling from the Rock down in Deep 13). With a dramatic wave of Tim's hand, the music finally stopped. Alicia then slid her Gameboy back under the desk, took a few moments to 'get into' the situation, and then shouted in fear. "Dear God! It's Dark Timothy, out to ravage the Multiverse with his army of foreigners and minorities!" Dark Timothy sneered evilly in response. "Indeed, my dear!" he pronounced. Then he pointed dramatically at Jamie. "In fact, *YOU* shall be the first of my unholy Canadian brood!" Jamie pondered that for a moment. "Cool!" he finally said. "We could a lot of other Canadians in on this, too! We could get Andrew and Blazej and Bret and Owen and that Edge guy, too..." Alicia broke in with a blissful sigh. "Edge-sama..." "Alicia? You're drooling again," Jamie said. Michael Surbrook seemed rather unimpressed. "So, Dark Timmy..." he began. "SILENCE!" Dark Timothy shouted to interrupted him. Timothy raised a hand and attempted to choke the insolent author with the same unholy power Darth Vader used to strangle those who opposed him. Unfortunately, Tim was not a Dark Lord of the Sith, so nothing happened. He eventually just gave up. "Uh..." Michael asked, looking confused. Composing himself, Dark Timothy then proclaimed, "I found your recent performance... unsatisfactory. Therefore, I have no alternative but to make... *changes*." "Mah God!" Alicia hollered melodramatically in her best Jim Ross impression. "Not *CHANGES*! The carnage! The carnage!" "For instance, this... will now be located *there*!" Timothy imperiously pointed at the button panel that contained the Mads light. It slid to the other side of the console, moved by the irresistible force of Evil. Dark Timothy then turned to face Michael once more, satisfied that the author would now respect his immense powers. "This is the first of many such... *changes*," Timothy lectured. "*You* will now be forced to do your MiSTings in poorly-lit cubicles!" "Well, I actually work in a place like that *anyway*..." Michael began. "Heck, I live there!" Alicia chimed in. "The darkness... the darkness where we shall thrive," Jamie said in his best Undertaker voice. "We shall not be kind, for we shall never again rewind our rented video tapes before returning them!" Dark Timothy continued. "Well, I guess that's sort of evil..." Jamie mused. Tim continued his sinister rant, oblivious. "We will serve beer that *is not* freshness dated! It will be SKUNKY!" Alicia raised her hand, attempting to get Dark Timothy's attention. "Um, Tim?" "We'll drive and talk on cellular phones at the *same time*!" "*Tim*..." Michael growled impatiently. In Deep 13, Rufus had recovered enough from his shock to gaze at Dark Timothy's ramblings along with the rest of the Secret Society of Mads. McMahon, Pippkin and Forrester were all in the foreground, having an earnest discussion of Dark Timothy's nefarious plans. "You must be so proud," McMahon sighed sarcastically. "Yes... millions of dollars spent in finding a way to violate the physical laws governing two different realities, and all for the noble cause of making a fanboy from Kansas mildly annoying. This is truly a great day in the history of mad science..." Pippkin proclaimed, a tear seemingly forming in his eye. Forrester's rebuttal was one of characteristic wit and devastating intelligence. "Oh, take a flying leap up my butt, Buster Bunny." Up in Hell, Dark Timothy had reached the glorious heights of his evil rant. Alicia and Jamie were trying to calm him down, but to no avail. "...THEN I shall hide all of the hot toys and action figures so that only my collector fanboy friends can purchase them!" Dark Timothy cackled with evil glee. "That's nice, could you get me some of those Furby things?" Michael sardonically asked. "Why...that's EVIL! That's out-and-out *toy piracy*!" Alicia exclaimed. "Yes..." Tim replied, his eyes shining with sinister joy. "And you, fair Alicia, shall rule by my side!" "Oh, of course. Joy," Alicia sighed. "'Fair Alicia'...he's become *Kuno* now?" Jamie asked in disbelief. "But to sanctify our bond, you must do one thing," Dark Timothy proclaimed to the rather underwhelmed young woman before him. "Do I even want to ask?" "You must take off your pants and prepare for *Customer Service*!" Timothy announced, an arrogant leer on his face. "Customer... okay, now that's just tasteless," Jamie said flatly. "And stupid, don't forget stupid," Michael added. Alicia sighed again, looked away, and rummaged around underneath the console for something. She finally found the folding steel chair that had been for some reason stashed under there. She hefted it, and turned back to face the Timothy's lustfully ranting figure. "And customer satisfaction is..." Dark Timothy paused to let out a blissful sigh. "...GUARANTEED! BOO-YAH!" That was the last of Dark Timothy's evil decrees. With a mighty swing, Alicia smashed her steel chair across Dark Timothy's back! He collapsed onto the counter, knocked utterly unconscious as all chairshot victims universally are (regardless of where the blow struck or how much force was behind it). Michael jumped back, surprised at Alicia's sudden outburst of violence. "Nice backhand," he said flatly. "It had to be done," Jamie said with a grim, approving nod. Alicia casually placed the chair against her shoulder. "Trust me, he'll thank me when he wakes up. Well... I guess it's back to you, Genius. Time to send us home, right?" Alicia's question provoked a round of smirks and evil chuckles in Deep 13. "*Home*?" Oscar asked mockingly. "Why ever would we send you back there?" Jamie looked nervously into the Viewscreen. "Well, your experiment didn't really work, and we're not going to write the Ultimate Bad Fanfic for you, so there's really no point in keeping us here..." Observer moved into the foreground to coolly respond to Jamie. "Poor simple unevolved creature. Did you really think we'd give up after just sending you *one* fanfic? We've got unlimited resources, so we can maintain Hell indefinitely..." "... and we have false history of destinies of, this that we had come from all the hour in the world the end to invite in scindere of or! " Dr. Thinker finished, flashing them a disarmingly innocent evil smile. "Jamie..." Michael began. "Tell me that didn't mean what it kind of sounded like it did..." Alicia continued, worried at Thinker's sinister tone. "It sounded like nonsense to me..." Michael muttered. Jamie looked at his friends hopelessly. If his grasp of Thinker was at all correct, then the Doctor had just proclaimed that the Mads had plenty more bad fanfics where that one can from... which meant that they'd all be in Hell together for a very long time. In Deep 13, the various Second Bananas (TM) and their respective Mads had already forgotten about the Authors and began bickering behind Rufus and McMahon. Dr Forrester was trying to calm the agitated sidekicks and arguing evil executives down, with little success. "Look, Shinra, my Deus ex Machina is indispensable to this project. Therefore, I say the Rock gets to press the button!" Vince snarled at the orange-haired young man. "I beg to differ!" Rufus countered more quietly. "The Shinra Corporation is providing much of the funding for this project... not to mention that I'm more of a corporate warrior than *you'll* ever be. I say Heidegger deserves to press the Button." "Knock it off, you two!" Forrester shouted irritably. "*I'm* the senior Mad Scientist here, and *I'm* in charge. Therefore, Frank presses the Button!" "Yeah!" Frank added. "I was pressing the Button back when you guys were just... just... doing other things!" "But what about me?" Bobo asked. "Being a professor, I could press the *hell* out of that button!" "The Rock says that you're still just a damn monkey!" Maivia shouted. The verbal skirmish grew more and more heated as most of the Mads joined in. Artemis scrambled off the control panel as the battle drew nearer. The imbroglio ended when Heidegger, with a furious charge, leaped and splashed onto the group of Second Bananas and minor Mads, hurling them into the group comprised of the arguing major villains. Vince, Forrester, and Rufus crashed forcefully into the panel, very painfully and inevitably hitting... the Button. PWOOSH! McMahon, Rufus, and Dr. F can clearly be heard as the credits roll: "Owie..." ________________________________________________________________ LEGAL STUFF: Dr. Forrester, Professor Bobo, TV's Frank, the Observer, and the MST3K concept are the property of Best Brains, Inc. Rufus and Heidegger are the property of Square Soft. Pippkin is the property of David Gonterman. Dr. Thinker is the property of Matthew Gerald Wenker. Oscar is the property of Oscar Martinez, although this variant is the creation of Justin Golden. Rocky Maivia and Vince McMahon are the property of Titan Sports and themselves. No licenses were given or implied in the making of this MiSTing, so please don't sue us. Alicia Ashby, Timothy McLees, Jamie Jeans, and Michael Surbrook are all TM & C their respective parents. :) Dark SVAM is the property of his Imperial Highness Exdeath the Destroyer, and he's welcome to it. No copyright infringement is intended or should be construed by this MiSTing... especially since Exdeath didn't seem to be too worried about that when he wrote the fic. This is usually the part of the fanfic where I say that absolutely no insult was intended towards Exdeath, but that wouldn't be entirely true in this particular case. Suffice it to say that we meant no more insult towards Exdeath in the making of this MiSTing than he meant towards us in the making of his fanfic. ^_^ Alicia's Notes: Wow... I came up with the Mystery Self-Insertion Theater concept for the unlikely event that someone wrote an SVAM anti-fic. Who knew that there'd be someone out there bored enough to do it?! And a rip-off of ASADAE, no less! Anyway... thanks go out to my co-riffers, Tim, Jamie, and Mike, who were all a blast to work with in this project. Thanks also go out to everyone at the Vault who helped out by showing their enthusiasm for the project. I hope everyone had as much fun reading this MiSTing as I did writing it. Mystery Self- Insertion Theater will return with yet *another* SVAM anti-fic, by yet *another* author... none other than the infamous Bob Guiren himself! Join the crew of Hell in MSIT3K post 102 as they riff Bob's rather sad and pathetic attempt at an insult, 'Shinji B.F.'s his Family.' Till then, check our regular works at the Vault! Ja ne! Jamie's Notes: Well, the first chapter of Mystery Self-Insertion Theater 3000 is done and I must say that I'm kinda liking the self-insertion angle, the really goofy side that is. I guess that's why I did those REVENGE fanfics (blatant plug), because self-insertion can be good as long as it is really funny or written well. I really can't say much about the Samantha/Marta angle, just cover my bleeding nose and wish I wasn't so easily embarrassed. And it's good to work with Tim again as well as Michael. And it's always a pleasure to work with Alicia. I wonder what the Mads are gonna send us next? :) Tim's Notes: Well, after some delay, Dark SVAM is out. It was indeed such fun turning evil and watching Lynxara become as weaker character than the Kefka-ized Sally. Anywho, our next bit is a nugget of joy from SVAM's first official troll, Bob Guiren. It would be offensive if it wasn't so stupid. Most importantly, IT'S SHORT! We'll see you all next time! Michael's Notes: What to say? That it was a pretty poor story? That it was a rip- off of an even worse story? That Exdeath chickened out and didn't finish the Marta/Samantha scene? I do agree with Alicia, by the way, this was a load of fun and I wouldn't mind doing a few more like this. Oh, and Bob's 'story' is as putrid a waste of space as any you will find... Contact the Authors! Alicia: lynxara@hotmail.com Jamie: xwing@uniserve.com Tim: shinji_70@hotmail.com Michael: susano@otd.com _________________________________________________________________ >You all have the mentality of 12-year-olds!