[SCENE: A dimly lit room. All that can be seen is a large plush couch, a big screen TV and a VCR. The far door opens and Noriko Kobayashi enters, quickly followed by Shion Nys, Ling Ling Li and Marta Nys. All four walk over to the couch and get ready to sit down...] MARTA: Oh, look *more* fanmail! NORIKO: Let me see that. MARTA: No way, this time *I'm* reading the mail! NORIKO: Whatever. LING LING: So... what is it this time? SHION: Someone asking Noriko for another date maybe? MARTA: Nope! It's a list of the First Annual Mally Awards! LING LING: The what? MARTA: The awards that are going to be given out to celebrate the first year of Tenchi's Vault being open. NORIKO: Wonderful. MARTA: Wah! Look at all the nominations! LING LING: Where? MARTA: Here! Look, we're nominated for Best Non-Sailor Moon MSTing, Best Host Segments, Best Riffs, Best MST3K-Styled Critique... look at it all! NORIKO: I would like to know why Michael's name is listed since *we* are the ones doing all the work. SHION: Because he's the producer. LING LING : Hey, look, they're nominating some of the stories we had to watch. SHION: Which stories? LING LING: "Tales of the Red Knightsabres" for Most Creative Use of English Language... NORIKO: If you could call it that. LING LING: ... and "The mystery interloper Kyrind eyes with him and glared coldly at him..." and "nene still pissed at mackie" for Single Most Colossal Typo. MARTA: I really wish I knew what 'Kyrind' meant. SHION: You must be kidding. "Tales..." is going to win an award? NORIKO: Yes, but for 'Worst', not 'Best'. LING LING: Well, I see what you mean Shion, but at least were are getting some recognition for our work. MARTA: Yeah, but it's not like we *want* to do this, it's in our contracts! NORIKO: So? Deal with it. SHION: Speaking of which, Ling Ling? LING LING: Oh, all right. A bit of Ranma 1/2, Ah My Goddess! XoverFanFic ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Akanes Delerium : Part 2 Here's part 2, and yes, I spelled delerium right this time! NORIKO: Sorry, you didn't, it's spelled 'delirium'. MARTA: "Delerium"? Isn't that the stuff that makes Superman go all funny? Reasons for being late, first and foremost, exams! ; SHION: I hope he fails. MARTA: Shee! Don't attack the author, just his story! ( and second, my change in service providers. NORIKO: Yeah, since his old one had wised up to what he was mailing out and cut him off. Do not send mail to my old "entropy@mpx" address but to my "entropy@break.com.au" one MARTA : "You deserve a break today!" --/\-[ Disclaimer ]-/\-- This fanfic is a conspiracy against you. Every living being on the planet has signed an agreement to make your life a living hell. LING LING: Do tell... The spelling and grammer is totally ass up because I'm a coder, a programmer, and we dont use "normal" words. ;) NORIKO: Right, and programmers use far too many commas and semicolons. MARTA: And they don't spell anything right either. SHION: You two through cribbing from "Dilbert" yet? --=[*]=-- LING LING: Looks like the front of a '57 Chevy. MARTA: Oh, you just think any car more than 30 years old is a '57 Chevy. Copyright All appearances of other peoples characters are their property. ALL: Sue, sue! Takahashi has to put up with the Ranma folk in her head. Fujishima created the Ah! My Goddess crew in a fit of cuteseness. LING LING: Aww... leave Belldandy alone. Entropy is just the fly on the wall, reeling off his standard crud. SHION: You can say that again. "If you dont expect too much from me then you might not be dissapointed" NORIKO: Truer words were never spoke... Ugh, coz someone asked, well the [DF:...] bits in part 1 were me, not someone else, DF is the initials of my more often used handle, which you do not need to know. NORIKO: DF? LING LING: I have no idea. MARTA: Dumb F... SHION : NO! NORIKO: Wait... you don't suppose he means? ALL: DOCTOR FORRESTER?!!! Entropy [*]-[*]-[*]-[*]-[*]-[*]-[*]-[*]-[*]-[*]-[*]-[*]-[*] MARTA: Anyone have a guess as to *what* that is? NORIKO: I still say a fence. Akanes Delerium ---/\--[ Part 2 ]--/\--- or (more booring crud written during another cobol programming lecture) SHION: So, this is like an episode of "Master Ninja". - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - LING LING: Still more wire. SHION: Are we done with that joke yet? Sayoko pulled on a very pretty dress over her head, MARTA: Cool! LING LING : Pay attention, that said 'on'! MARTA: Owww... it was white and decorated with pinky red flower blossoms. Standing in front of a mirror her eyes flicked accross shoulders and chest, then with a hand on each shoulder she adjusted how the dress sat. MARTA : Here, let me help you... SHION : Down! Humming to herself she wound a white ribbon into a bow, high up on the back of her head which left her long black hair hanging down her back instead of all over her shoulders. NORIKO: Anime cliche number 37, all anime temptresses have *really* long hair. EVERYONE ELSE : And your point is? she thought. She stepped out into the warm sunshine, heading off towards another part of Tokyo. SHION: Only to get hit by a bus and die, The End. NORIKO: My, my, someone is feeling a bit dark today... Fingertips breifly touch the surface of the water, the ripples sending the frangipani flowers outwards while the picture of Akane meeting with Urd dissovles into Sayoko. ALL: LING LING: Are you kidding? Once she sees Ranma, she'll forget all about Keiichi! SHION: Are you referring to Sayoko or yourself there, Ling Ling? LING LING: ... "You've really gone and done it now baka!" MARTA: Uh.. why is it that people in fanfic are always sprinkling a bunch of Japanese in with everything else? If you are writing in English why not use English? NORIKO: It's a cheap way to simulate the fact this is in Japan. Sweating, Ranma stopped practicing his moves, surprised at the very unexpected outburst from Kasumi. SHION: Excuse me? The Prozac Poster Child just raised her voice? "Huh?" LING LING: That's Ranma, always quick on the uptake. ALL: Exist! "You are a stupid fool Ranma Saotome, never do you stop to think about others, its always you, you, you, MARTA : Always think about yourself, you do, hmmm? if its not your stomach thats in control of your mind, your mouth is working overtime." ALL: MARTA: What? What? SHION: We all were expecting you to say something there. "Is that you in disguise Nabiki?" LING LING : Yeah, and boy did you look scared Ranma! Now, where's my money? Kasumi was flustered, she had worked herself up into such a state that she could no longer contain herself. MARTA : I'm so excited I can hardly contain myself! SHION: For our sakes, try... "For the whole time you have been living within this house you have not grown up one inch, always you fight with Akane and I've tollerated it for long enough, she left here this morning crying because of you." SHION : Just you and me Ranma! Right here, right now! Ever so slowly Kasumi had backed Ranma up, stedily making their way across the floor of the dojo, her face getting redder and redder. LING LING: Look out, she's gonna blow! EVERYONE ELSE: Excuse me? LING LING : Oops... that didn't come out right, did it? "Er.. eh, um, well, now hang..." SHION: Hang him! Hang Ranma! MARTA: Why? From what I hear, Ranma's well-hung already. LING LING: Ranmas mind was backpeddeling faster than his body was NORIKO: I recommend 'It's not my fault', it's what Han Solo would say at a time like this. LING LING: Yeah, like that one ever worked. "My womanly side gets jelouse of Aka..." ALL: What! SHION: No one, and I mean no one, is going to buy that load of crap, Ranma! Kasumis rage pushes her on; "Time and time again you argue and fight, but it has to end. LING LING: Someone want to point out that Ranma really is one half of the problem? I wouldn't call Akane a pinnacle of rational thought, either. I will talk to father, your engagement will be dissolved, for when I withold my cooking, He will see reason." SHION: Whoa, Kasumi has unleashed her Ultimate Weapon! A very dangerous glint appeared in her eye, LING LING: Look out! She's rabid! MARTA: Much better. and she made damn sure Ranma saw it too. Ranma didnt know what to do, this was not the quiet, reserved woman he knew. NORIKO: Who is he trying to kid? It's not the quiet, reserved Kasumi we know either. before he could utter a word she'd spun on her heel and bounced out of the dojo saying "right now, I must prepare lunch." MARTA: Kasumi? Bounce? About the only person in the Ranma universe that bounces is Shampoo! "Oh My!" ALL : Hahaha. was all he could muster NORIKO: No. Life is pain, anyone who tells you otherwise is trying to sell you something. SHION: Now who's feeling dark? Skuld pushed her glasses up the bridge of her nose with her forefinger and rested her hammer over her shoulder. MARTA: Glasses? Since when does Skuld wear glasses? "squeek" SHION: She'd better oil that. MARTA : And you talk about me? then stepped into the glowing bathtub. SHION: Slipped on the soap and drowned, The End. MARTA: Are you feeling okay? "Oh! hello little girl, are you lost?" "Oh! No, I'm not a little girl, and I' not lost. This is where I'm meant to be, do you mind if I stay for lunch? I'm" NORIKO: Gah! She talks like C-ko! "Of course, your hungry. I bet you would like some ice cream yes?" "Oh! Yes, please!" Skuld settled herself down at the table next to Soun, with Kasumi and Genma. Kasumi sucked in a breath just as Genma tried to eat an entire bowl of ramen in one go LING LING: Just keep your hands a feet away from his mouth and everything will be fine. "I'm not going to cook for you anymore! NORIKO: The Tendo household is doomed. Nor will Nabiki supply you with money to buy your food with! MARTA: Like she ever did before? You will call Akanes engagement off right this instant" LING LING: Well, at least one person wil be happy about this. MARTA: Ranma? LING LING: No, Shampoo. her face is going betroot red. SHION: 'Betroot'? What kind of color is *that*? MARTA: Just smile and nod. Genma is weeping hysterically, NORIKO: If Genma is weeping, then Soun must have exploded. and Soun, well Souns bottom jaw is laying on the floor. ALL: Kasumi rounds on Genma "And you! oh how I will deal with you and the way you bring up your son." she pokes a finger into his flabby arm SHION: I'll teach you to try and bring up a man among men! "I've had a very long chat with Nodoka about a certain Ranko and you two, and she has given me permission to exact honor in her name, I am now her adopted daughter, so her honor falls to me" NORIKO: Genma, I suggest you save time and commit seppuku now. MARTA: Yeah, it sure would make this story shorter. Genma chokes on a rice grain!, SHION: And dies, The End. LING LING: Will you stop that! and scampers off faster than anyone, after all he was using happousai's secret chi technique of turning your chi into rocket fuel. MARTA: What? Are we crossing over into Dragonball Z now? "Genma dont leave me!" LING LING : You said I was the only one for you! MARTA: That was sick, I like it. SHION: (We see Soun, waving his arms wildly, running off, chasing a trail of dust and clouds down the street, with his go board gripped tightly in one fist.) "Is your house always this active? I mean, they looked very upset at your decision...." MARTA: Heck, no. No one entered or exited by the roof this time. "Oh Toshi...." a musical voice whispered "Toshiiiiii" ALL: NORIKO: Where is that voice coming from? Snort, suck LING LING: Oh, *that's* disgusting! "wha whuzzit ha... aaahhhhhh" SHION: Do we need to see this scene? MARTA: On? "Toshiiiiii" LING LING: Yes, yes, his name is Toshi... Get on with it! MARTA: On? "*TOSHI*" ALL: Ahhh! Don't *do* that! MARTA: Bel? Who's Bel? SHION: Are you really that dense? Belldandy! "What?" he bellowed looking round his empty room ALL: They said 'TOSHI'! NORIKO: Baka. "First" came the voice"wipe that drool off the corner of your mouth, there are sweeter, tightet prizes to be won than Belldandy" "NOOOOO! ALL : Will someone shut him up! Never, whoever you are, Belldandy will be my ultimate cherry pop." MARTA: Try our new Belldandy Cherry Pop, you'll never look at sodas the same way again. LING LING : You're evil. "Oh you fool boy, there exists a woman that many more men have lusted after when compared to Belldandy." NORIKO: Nuku-nuku? LING LING: Chun Li? MARTA: Urd? SHION: Me? NORIKO: Get real, Ice Empress. Toshi shakes his head MARTA: So round, so firm, so fully packed. LING LING: Uh, Marta? This is Belldandy we're talking about, not a can of tomatoes. "TOSHI" is punched into his ear, as well as having some black lightening fall opon his head NORIKO: That's gotta hurt! LING LING: You don't even know what happened. NORIKO: So? It still looks like it should hurt. "There are greater cherries to be popped" SHION: Someone has a one track mind. The voice quietens down to a whisper level (that we cant hear) ALL : Hunh? and an evil cherry hungry mouth works into an even hungrier grin. LING LING: Warning, warning, we have a rabid hentai alert! "Now in order to become femenine, first you must dress like me" she says NORIKO: Uh, who? Who's talking here? Akane is looking very embarassed LING LING : How did I get *in* this fanfic! "and you must be submissive, and you must learn to cook, and you must" SHION: According to who? MARTA: Yeah, my sister can't cook to save her life. NORIKO: No, just every man's secret fantasy. she thinks LING LING: 'My, my, my...' don't you ever think of anyone but yourself Akane? akane looses herself in her own depression when a giggle cuts her short "Whats so funny?" Akane demands SHION: It's not this fanfic, that's for sure. "Die? Die! SHION: Die, damn you die! MARTA : I think you should go lay down for a while. who said death was an option for you?" Akane looks very sheepish ALL: Baaahhh! MARTA : Akane is that most dangerous of sheep! LING LING : Why? MARTA : I... I... I've forgotton the rest of that joke. "How do you expect me to do and be all these things that I'm not? LING LING: Like calm and understanding? MARTA: Owww... harsh realm. You want me to learn cooking, you want me to wear pretty clothes, you want me to wear makeup, you want me to putout, you want me to do this, you want me to do that, make up your mind" SHION: She sure doesn't ask for much, does she? Mara (still disguied as belldandy remember ;) MARTA: No! I thought she was Urd, *remember*! facefaults : I never wanted to be a martial artist, I always wanted to be... a lumberjack! Why now? My plans will be ruined unless... Unless> but the frown lines turn to happy lines [DF: Happy lines?] LING LING: Speaking of plans, has anyone seen the plot? NORIKO: No. SHION: Not me. MARTA: Nada. "Well if thats how your going to behave in my temple, leave now you ungrateful, uncute, muscley tomboyish cow" Akane runs sobbing out of the temple, and blindly down the windy Tokyo streets smack bang into Toshi. NORIKO: Now *that* has got to hurt. Toshi walks down the pavement, casually kicking a stone along, one hand in his pocket [DF: Jingling change maybe? Then again maybe not] MARTA: Get it right, he's playing pocket pool. SHION: Will you...! Well... you're probably right. of his expensive Italian suit when he is suddenly stampeded by an unruly commoner NORIKO : Damn peasants! MARTA: Pardon, did we miss something? SHION: Just smile and nod. "How..." he begins NORIKO: Nuku-nuku? LING LING: Chun Li? MARTA: Mai Shuranui? SHION: I sure hope it's not me! his face lights up NORIKO: Would that be; 'ungrateful, uncute, muscley tomboyish cow', perhaps? MARTA: Whoa, seriously harsh realm... (Flashback.... SHION: Saigon! I'm still in Saigon! "Now Toshi, this woman, she disguises herself as uncute, and is as strong as a boy, but this is a ruse, she only pretends, woo her heart while she acts like this and she will turn into a beautiful flower, and you must like her cooking, LING LING : This is, of course, impossible. be forewarned, even you Toshi, may not survive that, but if you do, she will be yours"....) MARTA: Yeah, right, The fastest way to a man's heart is through his stomach. SHION: I always thought it was through the ribcage. "I'm so sorry, really I am, its just, a lot of things have happened today" she says between sniffing and blowing her nose. (We hear Toshi's mide ticking over) LING LING : Noriko? What's a 'mide'? NORIKO : Trust me, you don't want to know. LING LING : Oh, so you don't know either? NORIKO: ... <1. Remove current boyfried, 2. Stepin and fill the void, 3. Pop Cherry> NORIKO: 4. Get the crap kicked out of you by Ranma. Toshi smiles, "Ah fair damsel, allow me to escort you home, We dont want some unscrupulous fellow MARTA: Like you, maybe? to take advantage of you in your current state of mind, and please, call me Toshi." "Th-Thank-nk you Toshi, I'm Akane" [DF: eeheheheheheh] MARTA: See! It is Dr. Forrester!!! "Tell me why your crying, as a man of many, and great means, I may be able to help you" Akane tells Toshii how she gets treated by Ranma, and her life in general. SHION : I live in a nice house with my two sisters, and my widower father, and my fiance and his father, and there are all these other fiances who keep trying to steal Ranma, or beat me up, or kill me, and I'm always getting kiddnapped or something, and there are all these wierd people with strange martial arts techneiques and... MARTA : Wow, and who's twisted fanfic is this? SHION : Fanfic? That's the manga I star in! "I know how you feel, growing away from someone you thought you loved, I have just been dumped by my girlfriend Belldandy, LING LING: Excuse me? MARTA: Lives in a world all his own. she didnt like cooking for me, I really love homecooked food, and well, things just didnt work out" MARTA: Yeah, she already had a boyfriend, and for some reason she seemed to think this was important. Toshi, arm in arm with Akane, escorts her down the path, past Furinkan High, NORIKO: What? A minute ago they were at Belldandy's place and now there are in Nermia? What, doe the author think Tokyo is the size of a postage stamp? LING LING: Just smile and nod. suddenly a very large mob of male hormones comes bowling towards them, ALL: Strike! vairous shouts can be heard "Akane, marry me... Akane is mine you swine.. . I will have Akane, not you...." MARTA : Tendo Akane, I would date with you! LING LING: Really? MARTA: Uh, Akane? No. Uyko? You bet! LING LING: When did Toshi turn into Kuno? Akane sneezes. ALL: Gesundheit! "Ranma never liked my cooking, but.... If you would let me, I'd like to make you something to eat when we get to my house, fo-for-or being so kind to me." NORIKO: Don't do it Toshi, you'll be sorry! LING LING: Aw, let him, that way we'll finally be rid of the twit. "I'd be delighted Akane, thank you very much" "Ohh a cat, a cat, get it off me, geddit off meeee" Sayoko whined. Ranma, with his distaste for cats, didnt want to go near her. MARTA: Aww.. is big and strong Ranma afraid of a little pu SHION : You never learn, do you? "Here I'll help" interjected Happousai, knocking the cat away and attaching himself to Sayoko's breasts MARTA : Hey! Get off you pervert! LING LING: I don't see why you're making a fuss, you'd do the same thing. MARTA: ... "Ohh a hentai, a hentai, get it off me, geddit of meeee" she screeched, Ranma, feeling in a somewhat happy mood punted Happousai into orbit SHION: It's up... and... it's good! "Leave her alone you hentai" NORIKO: Like he should talk. "Oh thank you mighty warrior, for saving my body from being ravished MARTA: Hey, don't knock it till you've tried it.. by that hentai" (A circle of light spins around the outher edge of her iris, and dissapears) NORIKO : All right, that does it! I'm sick of these off-the-wall spellings! LING LING: Pardon? NORIKO : You have to ask? Shall I list them for you? Deleryium, dissovles, tollerated, jelouse, betroot, tightet, femenine, lightening, outher, and dissapears! SHION: And your point is? NORIKO: Is it too much to ask to use a word processor with a spell checker?!! MARTA: For some people? Yes. LING LING: Uh, Noriko? How did you pronounce all those words? LING LING: Get real, we all know the old lady with a dipper of water is right around the corner. "You look like you need a big strong guy to protect you from hentai like him. I'm hungry, lets go to get some pizza" SHION: What sort of a pick up line is that? "But ofcourse, you must be hungry after all that exercise" she gives him one of her million dollar smiles [DF: Ah, I kinda liked her, so I'm biased ;] MARTA: Do tell. What was our first clue? and takes him by the arm. LING LING: C'mere, you big hunk of a man you! SHION: Cool it Ling Ling, I could hear your hormones kick in from over here. "Are you sure about this Urd?" NORIKO: Are you kidding? I wouldn't trust Urd to give me the time of day. "For the last time Keiichi, trust me" LING LING: Yeah, like we haven't heard *that* before. MARTA: Hey, I would've done it! SHION: Along with about every other otaku male in existence. LING LING: Jealous, Shion? SHION: Of course not! NORIKO: "Relax, I know what I'm doing" whirrrr, bing, *ping* "Oooops" SHION: Sounds like Urd's par for the course. [*]-[*]-[*]-[*]-[*]-[*]-[*]-[*]-[*]-[*]-[*]-[*]-[*] LING LING: I know! It's part of the Great Wall of China! The worst part of this fanfic is that I've put in WAAAAY too many characters to keep track of, I got to the end and realised I'd forgot to put in certain people....... NORIKO: Forgot to put in people? Can I remind you that you forgot to name half the people that were in this section anyway? End of part 2, and well, there will be one more part, prolly bout as long as part 1 and 2 combined [heh, well, if i'm lucky] SHION: Wonderful. And we'll get stuck with reading all of it, I'm sure. as everything will be resolved as i see fit to resolve it. NORIKO: In other words: I'm going to further ignore any trace of continuity to the orginal series'. My next fanfic will be completly done before I post it, as I wont post one bit, before having done the next bit. For myself, I'm sick of all this Ranma shit, MARTA: Same here! Dragonball Z is *much* cooler! and want something different, NORIKO: Anything but Sailor Moon! I wish people knew of more than one manga\anime..... SHION: Do tell. Time maybe to write some 3x3 Eyes LING LING: Oh no you don't! Not if I can help it! SHION: Well, you can't, so calm down. or some Stainless Steel Armadillo..... ALL: Who? NORIKO: Well, we've reached the end of yet another literary masterpiece. LING LING: Oh, I do hope you're kidding. MARTA: I for one want to object to the fact that this fic had far too little Urd! SHION: I don't suppose you'd care to offer a more analytical comment? MARTA: Yeah, it sucked! SHION: I see. LING LING: I'd just like to say that the author seems to have combined things together almost at random. He jumps from scene to scene with out anything resembling a transition piece, inserts useless side comments that detract from the story, switches tenses constantly and generally makes a mess of one of the few possible anime crossovers. SHION: And this 'women must be submissive' garbage was really irritating, as well as the whole 'pop her cherry' routine. It's pretty juvenile if you ask me. MARTA: Noriko? NORIKO: Where to begin? All right; poor spelling, no paragraphs to break up the action into understandable sections, misuse of tenses, useless asides, inability to identify the speaker... oh, the list goes on and on. MARTA: Like I said, it sucked. LING LING: So, what are we going to get stuck with next? [There is a click and the TV turns itself on. After a few moments of snow, the following words appear on the screen: A VERY SPECIAL SURPRISE The TV turns off.] SHION: You had to ask, didn't you? \ / \ / -- O -- FFIIIIISSHHHH / \ / \ NORIKO: Why do I know I'm not going to like this? Shion Nys & Marta Nys (c) 1997 Michael Surbrook Noriko Kobayashi created by Jeff Mueller, used with permission. Ling Ling Li Copyright (c) 1987-97 by Yuzo Takada. This version was used without permission. MSTed by Michael Surbrook susano@otd.com Visit Surbrook's Stuff! A Hero System/Champions source (especially for anime and manga material) at http://www.otd.com/~susano/index.html "TOSHI" is punched into his ear, as well as having some black lightening fall opon his head