Disclaimer: The opinions contained within are the thoughts of a fictional character of a certain bloody mindset. Do not take internally.

Privates on Parade

Handmade Films, 1982. 97 minutes. Twisted mockery of color

If you like John Cleese, then you might like this. Then again, you might also like having your legs chewed off by a pack of diseased rodents. Set in Malaysia in the 1950s, this twisted mockery of a film can be summarized as thus.

John Cleese: Inadvertent Penis Metaphor!

Any other member of the cast: Gay Double Entendre, sir!

Repeat for then next 96 minutes. Whoopee. Or, as a more entertaining alternative, you could gouge your own eyes out. (I got halfway through before the film started. Damn) Cleese is wasted on this script. He's left playing straight man to a bunch of Gay clichˇs for the duration of the film. If you've seen an episode of Fawlty Towers, you've seen his character here. The difference is that this film is four times as long and with half the jokes.

The best part of the film: A whole bunch of Malay guerillas attack and kill or maim several members of the cast. Yes, I know it's a spoiler, but I don't care.

What did I learn: All women are trash and will sleep with anyone. Men can only find happiness in the arms of another man.

Rating: Three Grumpy Indians

Battlefield Earth

Some Company that won't admit to it, 2000. 117 minutes, 45 degree angles and shades of green

About midway thorough Battlefield Earth, (or Battlefield Earth: A Saga of the Year 3000 to give its full title. The guys who put up the plastic signs outside the cinemas must have hated that) I reached the conclusion that it was a true masterpiece. I was laughing myself silly. I never thought that someone could make such a brilliant parody of the science fiction/post-apocalypse genre.

Then the person next to me pointed out that it was actually a serious film, not a satire. Then I had a brain hemorrhage.

This is not a film. This is a series of plot holes connected to each other using chewing gum. It will amaze you that someone could be stupid enough to make this film. Then it'll amaze you that you were stupid enough to pay to see this sucker.

The entire film is shot at a 45 degree angle. That's right, some tool with an "artistic vision" thought it would be "Kewl" to make this film look like it was set on a dangerously listing ship, Either that or all the camera operators had only the one leg. I prefer to think that it's the latter; it's somewhat funny.

The best part of the film: John Travolta's noseplugs

What did I learn: Advanced does not necessarily mean intelligent.

Rating: Four grumpy Indians.

Love is all there is

Handmade Films, 1996. Runtime: Too long by half

I came across this film late one night. It's billed as a romantic comedy, but it is neither. Words like "Vomit inducing," "Painful" and "A totally tooled up mess of unpalatable tripe suitable only for landfill" do come to mind, however.

This film supposedly introduces Angelina Jolie. This is not true. This film features Angelina in her first non-naked role that she admits to. There's a big difference. But I digress. This film could be used as blackmail material.

The story, such as it is, is a (painfully unfunny) parody of Romeo and Juliet. Now I've seen numerous R&J parodies (The Troma one is probably the best, IMHO), and this is not a good one. They replaced the feuding families with feuding... Caterers. Right. Okaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay. Apparently someone along the line figured that "Italian" meant "Jewish-American". So the film goes about using stock Jewish jokes with the numbers filed off. Thrilling. Neither Angelina nor Male lead die in the end, which would have made it so much better.

The film is shot through a Vaseline-smeared lens. When you can make out something, it's usually Angelina's lips, which have their own zip code. If it's not that, it'll be some set that is decorated in colors that could be described as "Viscera."

The best part of the film: It ends after ninety minutes.

What did I learn: Underaged premarital sex is only okay if followed by underaged marriage.

Rating: Four grumpy Indians.

Men in Black II

Sony Pictures, 2002. Runtime: 88 mins, most of which is credits

If you have seen MiB (And I believe every sentient being and its dog has), then you have seen MiB II. End of story.

But since I'm being paid by the word, I'll pad out this review anyway.

MiB has Tommy Lee Jones recruit Will Smith into the mysterious MiB organization to fight an alien menace that threatens to destroy the world. In MiB II, Will Smith recruits Tommy Lee Jones back into the mysterious MiB organization to fight an alien menace that threatens to destroy the world.


(Hmm, how can I pad this one out some more?)

The best part of the film: The dog in the suit. It got me. It reminded me of some executives I've met.

What did I learn: If a black guy makes a joke about black guys being picked on, it's funny. If a white guy does, it's racist.

Rating: One Grumpy Indian. (The jokes were funny. Once)

Challenge of the Gobots: Battle of the Rock Lords

Hanna-Barberra 1986. 75 minutes, some color

In 1986, Transformers: The Movie was released. It drew a lot of criticism for being crap, which it was. But it also drew a lot of criticism for being an "imitator" of Battle of the Rock Lords, which came out six months earlier. This is entirely unfair. TF: TM was two years in production, using topnotch Japanese animators and directors to put it together. BotRL was written, directed and animated by the producer's six year old son.

The plot, such as it is, has the Gobots (Who are robots who turn into cars, Jets and mopeds) travel to the planet of the Rock Lords (Who are robots who turn into rocks.) Why these guys turn into rocks is beyond me. What's the point? I mean, if I could turn into something, I wouldn't pick a rock. I'd probably turn into someone better looking, but I digress.

I will credit this film for being ground breaking. It features an openly gay relationship before people really talked about them, and in a kids film no less. No, I don't care what you say, those two rocks were gay. Nobody says "he's my special friend" while the other guy blushes and looks bashful because they're just chums. Or sticks a pointy stick in a brontosaurus's rectum for that matter.

The best part of the film: One of the gobots gets his arse shot off and looses his ability to fly, use his weapons and transform in one hit. Superb engineering.

What did I learn: You didn't need to draw in order to get a job as an animator at Hanna-Barberra

Rating: Three Grumpy Indians.

Batman and Robin

Warner Brothers 199something. Too long, mainly black

In 1989, there was Batman, which was a good film. In 1992, there was Batman Returns, which was insufferably mediocre. In 1996, there was Batman Forever, which stank like a six-week-dead diseased warthog. Following this progression, it was only logical that the fourth film, Batman and Robin would be bad, to say the least.

Well, it wasn't bad. It was a stinkburger. It was a deluxe stinkburger with cheese, a side order of stink-chips and a super-thick stinkshake and stink sundae combo meal. Everything they could do wrong in the film they did do wrong. Between writing, direction, acting, set design, casting, layout, timing, best boy, catering and popcorn in the theater, I can't think of anything good in the film.

Somewhere along the lines, someone decided that each film needed more characters. I suspect that the next Batman film in the series would have had Batman, Robin, Nightwing, Batgirl and Robin II's corpse propped up in a chair, They in turn would have faced off against the Scarecrow, Scarface, Mad Hatter, Egghead, Zorak, Moltar and the Ayatollah Komeni (He's a legit Batman villain. Really.)

The best part of the film: A computer blows up in Arnie's face and he says "ugh" in a deadpan way.

What did I learn: Molded nipples are a vital accessory for your rubber fetish suit.

Rating: Four Grumpy Indians.<</P>

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