The Kazei 5 PBEM Omake crew presents:
ESPER HIGH SCHOOL!
Starring:
RAVEN CLARK: School's most popular girl.
LILITH: Her portable shadow.
SHION NYS: The rich snobby girl who driven to school everyday in a limo.
ADAM: The hot new transfer student.
JASON STONE: Better known as "DRAKE".
MARTA NYS: Shion's younger sister.
LING LING LI: Marta's "girlfriend."
MEI: The school nurse.
MATTHEW SHIROW: English teacher.
LORA DOUBET: Gym teacher.
MR. SNAKEYE: Shop teacher.
MR. SANATO: Principal.
WILLIAM CASE: Asst Principal.
SHION-HIME: His secretary.
And other assorted characters who we forgot to name.
[Scene: It is a new school day, and students are streaming in through the front gate of the school. Most everyone walks to school, except for a lucky few who are dirven...
[Scene: DRAKE STONE is dropped off in an expensive sports car, only to be met by a swarm of girls out the front. He pushes his way through to find SANDRA BLACKMORE, uniform dirty and torn, and escorts her into class]
KOREY [watching them pass]: Damn! What's she got that we don't?
[Scene: A long silver limo pulls up and SHION NYS steps out, her uniform and hair immaculate (naturally). She starts to walk away, and then pauses with a look of annoyance. Reaching back into the car with one hand, she drags out her sister, MARTA, who is tangled up with Chinese exchange student LING LING LI.]
MARTA: Ooowwww!
[Scene: Pointing her sister in the direction of the front entrance, SHION marches off to the principal's office, her glare clearing a path to the door.]
[Scene: SHION is standing in the pricipal's office looking at several drawings of school uniform designs. MR. SANATO is behind the desk, looking nervous.]
SHION: No, I'm sorry, but the uniform is a just too... immature. I'll have to wear something in a darker color, definitely with a longer skirt.
MR. SANATO: Yes ma'am! Whatever you say! [Cowers in fear.
[Scene: SHION steps into the front office and looks around. She spots SHION-HIME, and shudders.]
SHION: Ugh... Where did he ever find someone that looks that much like me?
WILLIAM CASE [vo]: Ms. Hime? I need my pencil sharpened!
SHION-HIME: Yes, Mr. Case!
[SHION exits the principal's office, past a hoard of drooling boys, and finds RAVEN CLARK]
RAVEN: Terrorizing the teachers again?
SHION: Just a small matter of taste. Say, you can afford a new uniform, can't you?
RAVEN: [Blinks] What? Why?
SHION: Oh... no reason.
[MATT and RAY stand in the hall, watching the scene]
MATT: There she goes, throwing her weight around again.
RAY: Uh-huh.
MATT: She needs to be taught some humility.
RAY: Uh-huh.
MATT: And we know who shall put her in her place!
RAY: Someone braver?
MATT: ...yeah.
[RAVEN turns away ready to , only to be confronted by PAULA]
PAULA MACARTHUR LARS: I was looking for you...
RAVEN: Uh-oh...
[The sky darkens. Raven's hair floats up. the two girls lock stares. Electricity crackles across the pavement. The class bell rings.]
RAVEN: Oops, gotta run!
[The scene diffuses, leaving PAULA standing, angry]
PAULA: We'll settle this next time!!!
[Scene: An empty hallway. RAN goes past, beating up teachers for their lunch money. He then darts back, apologizes, gives their money back and hides in his locker.]
[A NAMELESS TEACHER walks the halls, randomly inspecting lockers.]
NAMELESS TEACHER: Karin Nys... [Reads note] "Moved to Korey." Fine. Kami... nothing there for ages. SANDRA... Something smells in here! Ran...
[There is a loud explosion, NAMELESS TEACHER emerges somewhat blackened.]
NAMELESS TEACHER: Nothing out of the ordinary... [Collapses
[Scene: English Classroom. MATTHEW SHIROW stands at the front. MEI suddenly enters, carrying a folder.]
MEI: Sorry to interrupt, but you left these in the sickbay.
MATTHEW: But I haven't been to sickbay.
MEI: Well, they had your name on them.
MATTHEW: They don't look like mine.
MEI: But I *had* to bring them to you.
[MEI gazes fondly at MATTHEW for a few seconds, breathing deeply.]
MATTHEW: Um... Thank you?
[MEI squeals with glee and runs out with the folder.]
MATTHEW: ...
CLASS: <sigh>
LING LING: Odds are 2-1 on this Friday being the day.
NABIKI TENDO: I offer 3-2!
MATTHEW: If you're done with your bidding war, can we get back to class?
CLASS: Yessir!
VOICE: C'mon Sensei, go out with Mei, I stand to win 100 bucks!
VOICE: I'll give you half my winnings if you don't, sir!
ASUKA: Gott-in-himmel, what is all this noise in here!
SANDRA: Look out, it's the teacher's pet.
[Scene: Outside the school. LORA DOUBET and MEI are arguing.]
LORA: Bitch! I saw him first! [Slaps MEI]
MEI: OW! *sob* Wanh!
EVERYONE ELSE AT SCHOOL: You made Mei cry!!!
LORA: Eeep...
[Scene of extreme violence edited for content.]
[Scene: It is in between classes and SHION wanders the grounds, looking frustrated.]
SHION: Has *anyone* seen my worthless sister around?
RAVEN: I think she's committing biology study.
SHION: Come again?
RAVEN: Practical study. Y'know, field work.[Points behind one building.]
[SHION storms off in frustration]
MARTA: Someone call my name?
LING LING: I did, repeatedly.
MARTA: Oh sorry, couldn't hear you down here.
[Shop class. MR. SNAKEYE holds a room of teenagers in deathly silence.]
MR. SNAKEYE: Okay, today we're going to be bashing bits of wood together. You're each going to need hammers, nails, glue and a saw. No, use them on the wood, not each other. And if you get hurt, it's your own damned fault.
[Biology lab. DR. YUKI is the teacher.]
YUKI: Today we'll be covering "meddling in god's domain."
LILITH: Can I be excused? I've already covered this subject.
YUKI: When?
LILITH: I was the last class's semester project.
[RAY watches her go.]
MATT: She's nice, isn't she?
RAY: Yes, she is.
MATT: And sweet, cute and lovable.
Ray: Yes, that too.
MATT: And you're a big fat heap of crap.
RAY: Yes, that too.
MATT: And you're going to lend me ten bucks.
RAY: Yes, I am.
[Scene: It is in between classes, SANDRA is hanging by the side of a building. RAVEN walks up.]
RAVEN: You had message for me?
SANDRA: Yeah, Temple said she wanted to see you.
RAVEN: Temple... mmmm...
SANDRA: AHA! I KNEW IT!
RAVEN: We're not like that! We're just good friends!
SANDRA: Yeah, right.
RAVEN: Damn. How much do you want then?
[Temple arrives, with several other students in tow.]
TEMPLE: Hiiii Raven! I made you lunch today!
RAVEN [looking embarassed]: ...Lord, take me now...
KAMI: And can I watch?
NABIKI: One side Kami, you're blocking my camera.
[Scene: Outside the Cafeteria.]
MUTT: It appears that once again I have failed to provide myself with comestables for consumption during this lunchtime break.
JEFF: Likewise, I seem to have left myself bereft of food.
MUTT: I also seem to have lapsed in my judgement, for I have not bought funds with which to purchase goods form this erstwhile canteen.
JEFF: Sadly, this is also the case for me. How do you propose we rectify this situation and provide ourselves with nourishment?
MUTT: Perhaps we could creatively aquire funds or foodstuffs through the tactful application of force to our fellow students.
JEFF: An exemplary suggestion.
[One scene of violence later.]
MUTT: Now that we have aquired some degree of financial viability, we can proceed with the aquistion of foodstufs.
JEFF: And we should do such with all haste, for I feel a certain degree of eagerness for some nourishment.
[HIROKO O'HARA steps out from behind a corner.]
HIROKO: Not so fast, kiddies. I'd like my share first.
MUTT: Oh dear. It appears that a beating is iminent.
JEFF: Yes, the lass does appear to be set upon rendering physical harm to us. Should we let her?
MUTT: I suspect that it would be a simpler suggestion to render a portion of our gains to her.
JEFF: You are so right.
HIROKO: Just quit blabbering and hand it over before I really loose it. I haven't had any in a long time, so give.
[Scene: Cafeteria during lunch time. SYLVIE serves something inedible onto a tray]
SANDRA: Come on, what is this?
SYLVIE: Last I checked, it was the beef.
ALAN DAVIES: [Sidles up to SANDRA] Of course, I could duck out and get you something better...
SANDRA: For what this time, my immortal soul? [Looks at tray] Not a bad deal.
SYLVIE: Next!
KITTEN: I can't eat this, I have a delicate constitution.
SANDRA: Bullcrap, I've seen you eat raw fish.
KITTEN: I'll have you know that's a delicacy.
SANDRA: No, it's some cheapskate who can't be bothered to cook.
SYLVIE: We call that bait.
KITTEN: Hmph...
MARTA: Raw fish? Yuck.
LING LING: Hush, you've eaten similar.
MARTA: [Blushes]
SANDRA: I don't want to know what she's eaten.
MARTA: [Blushes even more]
SHION: <sigh> Why me?
ASUKA: Gottdammit! You call this food? I feed my pigs better than this!!!
SYLVIE: Sorry already.
ASUKA: Well what else have you got?
SYLVIE: We've got the hot fried mush, the leftover burnt thing, the fresh dead rat and the coffee.
ASUKA: Fine! Give me the coffee!
SYLVIE: It's on your plate already.
ASUKA: <raps it with her knuckles> I thought it was potatoes with gravy...
SANDRA: I thought it was the beef.
[Scene: Outside a classroom. GEM is standing in the hallway, sulking]
GEM: Send me out of class and embarrass me, will they... I'll show them... I'll show them all... one day... MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
[Hall monitor FALCON approaches]
FALCON: All right, you're coming with me.
GEM: What'd I do?
FALCON: You know that Shion's got strict rules on diabolical laughter.
GEM: So what are you going to do with me?
FALCON: Detention room.
GEM: It can't be that bad.
[FALCON opens a door, revealing a plain room. NIGHTINGALE, THORN, JOE TOGOLOA and other retired PCs are sitting on benches, sulking.]
GEM: Yes it is.
[PAULA corners RAVEN - again]
PAULA: And now to finish this... for real!
[The sky darkens. Raven's hair floats up. The two girls lock stares. Electricity crackles across the pavement. Lilith taps Raven on the shoulder.]
LILITH: Could you teach me how to do that hair thing?
[Scene cuts out.]
MARTA: C'mon Ling Ling, we've got to get to Phys Ed.
LING LING: Aren't we there already?
MARTA: No, I mean for real this time!
[Scene: It's time for Phys Ed. Students mill about the fields trying not to do harm to themselves. Other students are a different story.]
LORA [facing a number of students admist track and field gear]: And now for the the high jump!
CLASS: groan
KITTEN: What? It's no big deal.
[Scene: The football field. JASON STONE catches a football and runs upfield. He spots SANDRA on the sidelines and pauses to wave at her. A few hundred jocks pile on top of him, punching and kicking.]
SANDRA: <sigh>Third time this week...
[Scene: CRUSHER is coaching football.]
CRUSHER: Its very simple, when they come at you, I want you to block them like this.
[pause]
CRUSHER: Medic!
DRAKE: Owieowie...
CRUSHER: Sorry about that, kid.
DRAKE: Could you choose someone else next time?
SANDRA: Fourth time this week. Maybe he should save himself for Tuesday.
[KAMI goes past, wearing a T-shirt reading "Marta Nys Fan Club".]
KAMI: Ooh... where did she go?
SANDRA: Probably avoiding you.
NABIKI: I have 100-1 odds that Jason makes it healthy all through Tuesday's game
LING LING: Come on, no-one will take that bet.
SANDRA: [Scrabbles in pocket] I'll lay $2.11 and a gum wrapper.
NABIKI: There's one born every minute.
[Scene: It's still football practice. RAN has scored several goals for both teams, and has been sent off. He's sitting on a bench, sulking.]
RAN: It's not fair. <pauses> I'm sorry.
CRUSHER: Ran, you're a great player, you just got to stop intercepting yourself and fumbling for the other team.
[SANDRA finally leads off an injured DRAKE.]
SANDRA: Come on, we need to get you to the nurse. You've hurt yourself again.
DRAKE: Thanks. Say, um, this doesn't look like the sick room?
SANDRA: It isn't?
DRAKE: In fact, it looks more like the equipment shed!
SANDRA: It is?
DRAKE: Yes, it is.
SANDRA: Oh goodie! [Runs inside with him and shuts the door]
[Scene: The end of the day. KOREY is leaving through the parking lot.]
KOREY: Another day with no disasters. Maybe my luck is changing.
[She accidentally bumps a huge-ass bike.]
FALCON: You touched my bike! You die!
KOREY: Help!
[Scene: Students flee the building admid explosions and screaming. Meanwhile, SHION is showing new student ADAM around.]
SHION: So, what do tyou think of this establishment?
ADAM: It's, er, interesting. Is it allways like this?
SHION: This is a slow day.
ADAM: I, er, see.
SHION: Now tell me, have you ever participated in any after school activites?
ADAM: Help!
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